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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: Getting help
Mar 4, 2006
To be honest I didn't expect a reply from anyone, thats why I don't post anymore, everytime I did I'd have like ten billion veiws and not one person would leave a message not one, not even just to say I understand. so when I read the response that you gave me it put tears in my eyes. you said...."I know you wouldn't want someone you love to die, and that's how your loved ones feel about you." and it is so true. I have some friends, not many because I pushed them all so far away to keep my secret, they would get to close to finding me out so I had to quit talking to them, but its amazing as they have all heard I was hospitalized the support has been pouring in. I had a friend I havent seen in almost two years show up at my door step and he just hugged me and was like I am so thankful that you are getting help I love you so much and I doont want you to die. I wish I could have the reality of it that everyone else has. It's like to me I wouldnt ever die, although I do know I'm close. My dr's have told me that had I not gotten help when I did, within a year of the time they saw me they predicted that I would have died from a massive scared me but I guess not enough. I still find myself resisting. It's like half of me wants to get better. I need to get better I dont want to live like this, but the gaining weight part is so hard. I'm so scared to, I dont want to get fat. and everyone assures me im not fat now and i wont get fat if I gain weight, but its like if I think im fat now when im serverly mal nourished what am I going to think once i start gaining weight. It's scary you guys are right I am scared. and I feel so alone, its like yeah II've got friends and family that care but they just cant understand complately. .. . my real father and I have ended our relationship forever becuase of how he is with my anorexia. It was horrible. I have 4 abses teeth that must be pulled that the dentist accredits to my eating disorder and that makes me feel more worse about myself because i've always had beautiful teeth, it was almost the only feature that I absolutely loved without picking it apart. but all he cared about was that, he called me starting out screaming (my parents are devoriced and my dad is a lot of the reason im anorexic, I didnt even weigh 60 pounds until I was in the 6th grade and even then he would hit me n the stomach and tell me how fat I was that it just disgusted him to no end. my freshman year n high school I did put on alot of weight but I was so muscular I had an 8 pack and everything but I wasnt real little. I weighed 155 which is overweight for my height, but because it was muscle not fat the doctors were reaally pleased with how in s hape I was and everything, but a mixture of my dad always hitting me and telling me how fat and worthless i was, my classical ballet teacher always telling me that i needed to lose weight, and then being just threw me over and i quit eating, the past 6 years ive been dealing with my anorexia.....I was at my lowest weight when I reached out for help because i was scared and knew that things were getting bad and completely out of control......but after I did now i question it. Its so hard. I wish I could just be much so.....but its always a struggle i guess......thank you both again so very much for caring enouugh to respond, it means more than ud know

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