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Re: Getting help
Mar 6, 2006
thank you so much for continueing to reply and be there, it means a great deal to me. Yesterday a friend of mine wanted me to come over to watch movies with her. her twochildren were there and one is 7 and one is 3 and even the oldest looked at me and says, chrissy how comes u dont eat very much? we eat all the time, and u bearly eat anything? and i looked at my friend and was like what the hell, and shes like chrissy u made ur bed lay in it, she's a kid but she still knows, u know as well as i do that ur her hero, u are everything to her and she pays attention to every little thing you do. Thats why with the two year old I raise (she isnt mine, i cant adopt her, but she lives with me and i have raised her for the past year now, from 1-2 and she'll be three in august) but with her I make sure I have her eat her 3 meals a day and im always telling her how pretty or beautiful she is and how much we love her, I dont want her to ever be anorexic as I am. I never make negative comments about myself around her or look at myself in the mirror, although anytime u do her hair she has to see herself lol. but I guess I look at her and say I want to raise her til she's grown up and ready to go out on her own, I wanna stand at her graduation and be so proud that I helped her to learn all the things and helped her be where she is. her mom is a crack/herion addict. so its hard. I think the added stress of having a child thrown on me to raise when I wasnt ready to have children (and thats why i didnt have any) and it made me so stressed and i took that out on myself as well by more exercising and more not eating, until it got to where i had the choice to get well for my baby or to die and leave her with no one who loved her besides my mom and step dad.........and i couldnt do it. But I reached out to my friend last nite. She was n her bathroom washing her face and putting her make up on, and I was just sitting on the flfoor talking to her, and I dont even know how we got on the subject of it, but she was talking to me about eating and everything and getting help and where all I have to go this week, like what all doctors i have to see this week, and i actually cried.....I haven't cried in like 4 years.....not at all, no tears have come out of my eyes, it was like i was so hard i couldnt cry, i mean 6 of my friends died, my good friends, and one of which was my best friend, and my grandma and two of my aunts, and i never cried once for them, it made me feel like such a dick for it, because i was so sad i wanted to cry, but i just couldnt let myself, and last nite i was so upset, and brandi came over sat down in front of my and put her hands on my face and said chrissy I love you, and I am here for you, and when you go inpatient it will be okay I will come see you once a week and if you are closerr then ill come see you more than that and i actually told her strait out what was so wrong with me right then, and I just said I'm so scared brandi, I'm so so scared started crying, we've been friends for years and she's never saw me cry, and she was just awww hunny please dont cry....and she just hugged me....it actually felt good to have someone be there, im not used to that because i will never reach out.......its scary to go it alone, but its scary to reach out...........i just dont want to become vulnerable....i dont want it to where ima feel it.....its gonna hurt so bad to really feel how sad i am right now.......how are you doing and how is ur battle, keep ur head up chrissy





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