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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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I had dreamt that I would be posting today telling you all that I had left my therapist - Lucy! That is what i set off to do today - to tell her "I dont know who I am, im confused, and so im not coming back, i need to dosomething and leaving seems like the only thing I can do - i need time by myself" - And I did. I went there - I said everything - and she took it well- but... I cant even explain what happened - she just talked through everything and told me that how I was feeling was exceptable and she could see why I didnt want to come anymore - she said I had three choices - I could go and see another therapist who works in a different way, so instead of wondering off on different subjects, linking a few things to different things and just going with what ever is on my mind at the time, seeing another therapist would mean I would go on a structured plan, doing one thing, that leads to another, and then to another, and then to an outcome... etc... but I said that seeing another therapist would 1) defeat the whole entire point in leaving the clinic 2) mean that I would leave Lucy, the only reason really why im staying at the clinic, and 3) because it would mean that I would have to build up trust with another person and go through everything that I went through with Lucy again - which isnt what I want to do.

The other option was to stay with Lucy, and realise that there will be moments in therapy where I hate everything, dont understand who I am and why I am there, and that we just have to work through it, she said by looking at different things, and linking things up in maybe - no perticular order is just how she works a therapist.

And the 3rd option - was just to leave, take a break, move, but she said ethically she doesnt want this to happen.

I didnt know what to do - I knew there wasnt anyway I was going to another therapist - but stay with Lucy? I didnt know. I said - "im not sure, I just need to do something."

We talked for quite a while - and she ATTUALLY diagnosed me! Thank God - it has been since like August and she hasnt diagnosed me before lol! I said - "Why really am I here? at first it was because I wasnt eating - now im just not sure because we never really talk about anorexia or bulimia, we just talk about emotion and the fact that everything is so overwhelming and crap. lol. So why am I here" - She thought for quite a bit and said "normally with all of the people I see, I have a phrase or a diagnosis which is relavent, so that if their GP asked me what was happening I could tell them. But with you - every phrase seems "naff" - but I would diagnose you with Disordered Eating, ED-NOS - because you self-induce vomit, you starve and restrict, though that is not all, that is only a small part of it - along with that comes so much emotion, which is what you explained - being overwhelmed and confused with absolutly everything around you, so yes, I diagnose you with ED-NOS" I sat there - I little stunned. The diagnosis that I had been waiting for since August had finally been thrown at me! Why did I want it so much? - What do I think of it? - I really dont have a clue - It's confusing - to suddenly realise that maybe there is something wrong - when all along ive been telling myself that its all trivial and stupid!

I dunno! *sighs*! - Lucy told me she really didnt want me to leave, she said - "I have never believed that you are really sick, and maybe if you leave today the self-induced vommiting will stop, i dont know, but I do believe that if we dont takle the emotional overwhealming confusion and the sence that you dont know what your allowed and who you really are, then it will become an even bigger issue in the future - it wont just go away - and then it might be even harder to help"

She said - "all you have to do is show up - just come - sit - you dont even have to talk - just come to the appointments - and if one day, you dont want to come, dont, i wont just think "ill never see her again" - ill probably see you the next week - but please, just show up" I said I would *sighs* It was quite an emotional time - yet I show no emotion in my appointments - as Lucy always points out saying "I never really know when you are having a harder time, you cover it up so well, you speak about it - yet you dont show it, some people come here and shout, or cry or call out for help, you just sit and listen and nod, you dont show really whats inside you"

You see why im confused? I dunno!

X Hannie X

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