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ooo, dawgfan, you've left us in such suspense! i wonder what you have to discuss with us ... but i can't even think about it because i'm SO happy that you tossed the scale! Hurrah!!! (don't buy anymore, now, lol!) I think you're gonna feel MUCH freer (is that a word?) without it. Speaking of which, i REALLY wish i could toss mine, sigh. ironically, i didn't even OWN a scale when i started therapy, but i had to go and buy own so we could monitor my weight. i hate the da** thing (for the same reasons we all do), but my therapist is making me keep it until we get me to at least 130 pounds (that's my sort of "stopping"/"goal" weight for now. still under "healthy" for my height, but "good enough for now" according to my therapist. then we get to stop counting calories, freedom, etc.) anyway, so yeah, scales stink. i'm so happy you no longer have to deal with it!!!

so, since you're both interested in my life to date, here i go! (watch out, i'm in the mood to type!) weight gain? not quite sure. i know we don't usually post numbers, but i feel like i know you both so well, it's okay if i post mine now. (let me know if it's triggering and i'll never do it again, k?) i've been steadily weighing about 125 (give or take) for a WHILE now. the past three (?) weeks i've been doing 3300 calories a day with NO walking allowed (BORING). i got up to 127 the week of my period, but then it dropped off the next week. i've been having MAJOR digestion issues (ie: i can't/don't sh**) which is making me REALLY uncomfortable. like today, i haven't gone at all since saturday or sunday. so imagine those 3300 calories per day just backing up and backing up ... it REALLY sucks. i just feel like i've got a brick in my stomach, plus it sticks out sort of, which Ed hates. i think it's related to the large quantities of food i've been taking in with VERY little exercise (cuz physical movement really helps me go). i don't know. so this morning (mid-week check-in), i was 127 pounds. hopefully that's a real 127 (not a "I haven't sh** since sunday, therefore i weigh 127 cuz i'm backed up" type of 127). i just can't DO this anymore. if my weight goes up a little, i'm hoping i can eat a little less and move around a little more. my body just can't take this much longer. it's so unnatural and i feel like not being able to "go" is a clear sign that things aren't working right. so we'll see on that front i guess!

the biggest thing that worries me about all this is that i question whether i'll EVER be able to recover. if my body responds SO oddly (not gaining) to eating a HUGE amount of food daily (especially when i sit in a desk all day), how am i ever gonna stop counting calories? if i'd eat like 2500 a day (which still seems to be on the high end of "normal"), i just feel like i'd lose weight. how is this all gonna work out and be okay?!? i'm kind of stressing out, i guess. i don't cheat on my meal plan or exercise restrictions EVER, so why isn't it working? how am i ever gonna be able to eat "normally" like the rest of the world? am i ever gonna get to be physically active randomly whenever i please, or will i have to ALWAYS restrict my exercise? i LOVE activity (especially in the summer) and i can't imagine not being able to bike, go on hikes, play tennis, go on long walks. and just for some stupid reason like "you can't walk at all." summer would SUCK that way! i want to be able to play freely outside cuz i love it and i know it's good for me - physically, mentally and emotionally. i worry that i'm not gonna be "allowed" to do that. anyway, i'm obviously feeling pretty frustrated and apprehensive about the future. how is it gonna all work?

the only other thing kind of bothering me has to do with that great boyfriend of mine. and he IS great. so supportive and sweet and fun. i love him so much and i'm really glad i have him by my side fighting with me. he listens when i yap and yap about food/weight/exercise, helps me through the tough times, gives me advice, and just basically makes everything seem okay. i know all of this wears on him (as it does on me), but he rarely shows it and he definitely never lets it pull him away from helping. he really is my baby and i couldn't wish for anyone better!

so, the problem ... sex. i should probably say, lack thereof. i simply have NO desire to have sex EVER. it majorly sucks. i know he wants to (obviously), but i just can't. sometimes i get "grossed out" just from making out. i don't understand it. i've never been a sex fiend or anything, but i've always LIKED it and WANTED it, and know i don't at all. and not even liking kissing? what's going on?!? i LOVE making out (tee-hee!) and lately, it honestly pretty much revolts me. i'm glad i'm actually saying this to you girls, cuz i really can't say it (like that) to him. but that is the reaction i feel - just grossed out. or we'll be laying in bed and he'll be like rubbing my breast (sorry, kind of graphic) and it's just plain irritating to me. it doesn't feel good (at all), it tickles and it's just annoying to me. what's wrong with me??? i lay there and try to enjoy it or i try to kiss him, but i just can't. it's just icky or something. i really don't understand why i'm having this very PHYSICAL reaction. it's all in my body - tickly, icky sticky lip feeling, itchy - not so much in my mind, which WANTS to be "in the mood." do either of you have ANY advice to deal with this? dawg, weren't you having some problems with this awhile back? (if it was somebody else, no offense!) i'm just at a loss with this one, and i KNOW Eric is going a little crazy cuz we haven't had anything even CLOSE to sex in at least a month. i just want that natural part of my being back, you know?

well, that's my drama of late. i'll try to remember to keep posting what's going on with me. :) sometimes i guess it just seems not "interesting enough," cuz nothing EVER changes. but i think it's obvious from that post that i've got issues going on too. talk to you soon!
Hi girls,

Sorry I didn't get on here earlier today, I've really been trying to stay busy so I won't dwell on the appt tomorrow. The thought of going really does freak me out, so I'm just not letting myself think about it.

I actually typed a really long post last night to answer some of your questions, LS, but I accidentally hit a wrong button somehow and my entire post was deleted. I was so pissed I just decided to wait until today to try again.

LS, I totally agree with Joni about what all you're eating. Joni basically said most of the stuff I was trying to post last night. I thought the same thing about the fruit for breakfast--you NEED to add some kind of protein and a grain to it--an egg and an english muffin or toast or cereal, something like that. And the calories you're getting the rest of the day hardly add up to anything.
Also, let me ask you this: How are you going to feel if and when you do gain weight? Because ultimately that IS going to happen if you eat like you're supposed to. The weight gain is inevitable, but that is the whole point in recovery, right? If our intentions are not to gain weight, and just maintain the unhealthy weight we're at right now, then what's the reason we're fighting so hard against Ed in the first place? I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm saying all of this to myself as well, b/c the thought of gaining weight bothers me alot, but that's something we HAVE to be prepared for, you know?
I have been following my meal plan almost perfectly both yesterday and today, and it has really bothered me to keep eating and eating, but I made myself do it anyway.

So a quick question for you guys: If you're able to make yourself eat normally already, is there really a point in going to get extra help (i.e. the out/inpatient clinic)? I was just really thinking about this today as I was eating an entire turkey sandwich and carrots for lunch. I mean, if I'm already able to make myself eat all of this food, then isn't it just a waste of time and money to go to the clinic? I don't know, I'm pretty confused about it.

Oh, and Joni, my whole theory about having my period back was pretty much shot down by my own body--I didn't really start--it was just here for half a day and then nothing. So, I'm still messed up in that department (even though I know after what you told me about yourself that it doesn't mean that much anyway). It was just that I thought maybe my body was starting to function the way it's supposed to again b/c maybe my weight was going up, but apparently not.

You two are going to think I'm totally lacking in culture, but I've never seen any of the musicals/plays that you mentioned. However, in my defense, with 3 kids there's not much time for the finer things in life--lol!! I mean my husband and I have rented the same movie twice now in the past month and still haven't been able to watch it b/c of having no time without the kids around. Pretty sad, huh? The next movie we rent is going to be one these that you two have talked about, probably "Rent" first. Also, the only play I've gotten to see on stage is "Charlotte's Web" when I went with my son's class field trip. (Yes, I'm embarrassed to admit that, but I feel like I can be honest with you two :) )

If either of you (or anyone else who might read this) gets a chance to post tonight, please let me know what you think about whether or not I should definitely go to the appt tomorrow (considering all the food I've been eating), okay?

Thanks girls!!!
hey ls! wow, you WERE on a rampage! ed's can really piss us off, can't they? (i get that way all the time, lol) anyway, you really REALLY shouldn't feel angry/disappointed with yourself for getting frustrated and pissy because you were hungry. that is COMPLETELY normal and it's what happens to everyone when they're hungry because your blood sugar drops really low. how to avoid it then? you got it: don't let yourself get hungry, ever!

what happened yesterday was pretty bad, hon, and it was bad on a couple levels. i'm sorry i keep coming on you and harping on this same old crap over and over, but i just want you to see WHY it's a problem and i want you to see that it's something that happens every day with your diet. so, on that note, here goes (i'll try not to get too wordy with it :) )

eating lunch at 1:30 and planning on eating dinner AFTER a meeting that begins at 6:30??? why? did you honestly THINK that that was a good idea? why didn't you plan on eating before? or at least bringing some VERY substansile snacks to make it through until dinner? i understand that you may not have known the length of the meeting exactly, but come on! you're an intelligent woman and you're letting Ed convince you to follow his moronic ideas! do you know ANYONE who can make it that long without food? it's very unhealthy and i'm not surprised you were starving and irritable when the meeting was over. you NEED to be eating something (even if its just something little) every 2 hours-ish. that's the healthy and normal way of nourishing your body. and since you're supposed to be gaining weight (which is NEVER gonna happen if you keep eating like this, by the way), you REALLY need to incorporate snacks every single day. and they can't just be 5 sugar-free gummy bears, you know? a couple of posts ago, you questioned whether you might not be registering your "hunger signals," remember? i wanted to let you know that that is most likely happening. in addition, you've trained your body to exist on very little food, so that's what it's used to right now. that's why you eat WAY too few calories everyday and "feel full." it's simply not acceptable. slowly, you need to be increasing your calories so your body gets used to consuming normal amounts of food and so it gets used to and WANTS the amount of food it needs to sustain itself and run properly. when i started out in therapy i was eating 1200 a day (probably very similar to what you're doing now) and i was "eating when i was hungry" and "full" at the end of the day. but that's cuz i had deprived my body for so long, that's what it was used to. anyway, NOW, i can't imagine feeling "full" and "eating when i'm hungry" on anything less than 2100 calories a day, in reality probably more like 2400. if i tried to eat 1200 again, i'd be STARVING all day. but that doesn't happen without forcing yourself to eat more over time, so your body remembers how to work. i don't know, i'm sick of writing this over and over, but THIS is why i feel like you need some friggin' guidance from that nutritionist. it's not easy to eat more when you're "not hungry," and that's the structure that a meal plan provides. anyway ...

one more thing about yesterday and i'll drop it. a lean cuisine for dinner??? and you're trying to tell me you think you eat "a lot" and "not diety" foods?? bullsh** and i'm sorry. you cannot eat that crap for a meal, ESPECIALLY dinner! those things are all under 300 calories and oh boy, you had some cottage cheese, so maybe your dinner was almost 400 calories tops. you honestly think this is gonna help you in ANY way? if you want lean cuisines, eat them for lunch, WITH other food, but for dinner they're absolutely unacceptable. if you need something quick, figure something else out, but if you want to recover, you need to stop allowing Ed to tell you that stuff is okay.

okay, now i'm done being "mean Joni." i'm sorry, i feel like i'm always being bi*chy to you, but i'm worried cuz nothing seems to be changing, you know? although i should talk. i still get all freaked out about food and stuff and i think my weight may've slipped this week (even though i haven't changed anything!) my "digestion" issues have subsided, i'm finally "going" normally once again, i don't feel sick and bloated all the time ... but that comfort and normalcy comes at the price of the weight i had gained? oh man, i am FRUSTRATED. this whole "i will gain weight" thing is just seeming more and more futile, you know?

anyway, in response to your question, no i don't really have any reservations about types of food as long as it's relatively easy to count the calories, you know? cuz that's what it's always been all about for me. so basically, if i can count it, i'll eat it. obviously certain foods (fried chicken, cheesecake) are more restricted (in the history of my ed, i mean) because they're higher calories and harder to fit into my daily "plan," but i've always been open to mostly all foods. in terms of lots of different ethnicities of foods, i haven't had a ton of different types, but i'm always open to trying stuff (unless it's too spicy or just weird looking/smelling!) my budget and Ed make going out to eat harder, but i do enjoy it, you know? i am a definite "meat & potatoes" girl though (good Irish/German family) so i'd often rather eat pork chops and mashed potatoes (even in a restaurant) than some exotic cuisine. i guess what i'm saying is, I'm rather dull! i'll have to look for some persian food in the city maybe -- what's it like? i need to start expanding myself past bar restaurants (i LOVE sandwiches/burgers), pizza, sushi and my meat/potatoes joints, you know?

anyway, have a good day and i'm sorry again for attacking you like that. i mean what i said, but i just hate that i'm ALWAYS saying it like some annoying broken record!

dawg lady, thinking of you today and can't wait to hear how it went!
Yay, Dawg!!! I am so happy that you went to your appointment today and that it went so well (or as well as an eating disorder assessment can go, right?) Haha.
I think that's great that they didn't even weigh you b/c they know that it's so much more than weight. They probably wanted to do more of a psychoanalysis and see how committed you were to recovery. That makes more sense than saying "Ope! You're 100 lbs and the cutoff is 105 - sorry."
I think if your mom can't take the kids and your husband isn't able to take time off (is he pretty supportive of you right now?), then maybe you should get a babysitter or soemthing for the first half of the day. Hey, I need a job right now and you need a babysitter - perfect! Just kidding, haha. But seriously - the sooner you start this, the better. And I really hope you feel excited. You have to know that it is still going to be SO hard and you are still going to hate recovery a lot of the time, but keep looking at the bigger picture and TRUST YOURSELF. Do not trust Ed. I'm sure you feel somewhat relieved, too, don't you? I remember when I came home from traveling and my parents said "we have to address this seriously! no more running! Blah blah blah" I was pi**ed, but also SO relieved. I don't have to run everyday!, I thought. I can eat more! Yay! Even though that is so much harder done than said, it was still a relief, ya know?

Anyway, congrats and let us know how everything pans out. Keep trying your hardest to follow your meal plan and I will do the same!

I've actually done really well today. I was at the mall and was planning on just driving home for lunch and making something "safe," but I decided "You know what, I want a wrap sandwich and I'm going to MAKE myself get it." It's not even that I wouldn't eat that normally, but it's harder to make yourself eat something like that alone, you know? So anyway, I went to Tacone Wraps (ever heard of it?) and got a turkey avocado wrap. I put it in a wheat tortilla and didn't eat all the potato chips that came with it, so I felt a little bit better, but I was SO happy after I had it and I felt GREAT! I wasn't too full at all, I got all my food groups, and I was just astonished at how much fuel a good, balanced, meal can actually give you, you know? I definitely eat balanced meals at other times, but today it just felt so much more wonderful and freeing. I had an orange when I got home and I'm going to go to the gym a little bit later just to do a little something, but don't worry, nothing extreme.

I guess you're right, Joni, about my body just being used to subsisting on a lower amount of calories, but that's just so hard to believe when I FEEL full and nourished on what I eat, you know? It's like looking in the mirror and trying to convince yourself that you are too thin when you can see yourself perfectly and think you are fine, you know?
I had the lean cuisinie b/c there was nothing else I wanted to eat and it was easy/fast and I had to run out of the house in a hurry. I put cottage cheese with it to make it more substantial and I got the frozen yogurt immediately after eating it -I was stuffed! Lots of dairy, too. Haha. But I understand that they are not a good option for an everyday dinner. I probably would have eaten house special chicken from this chinese restaurant near my house if I let LAUREN decide what we were eating, but Ed thought eating at home would be better.

Anyway, so glad your digestion is moving along smoothly, Joni. I'm sure you feel SO much better. I'm about to get my period so don't be surprised if I complain the next few days about chocolate/bloating/etc....I tend to get ridiculous cravings. Haha.

Talk to you guys soon!!

L
I'm so glad you're feeling better today, LS!! And you're right, it really does help whenever we hear about the success of other people here. It's really easy to feel down one minute and totally up the next. That's one of the things that is so frustrating about our ED's, and those "swings" are one of the many things that make recovery so difficult. I don't know how to fight those feelings off yet, but hopefully I'll learn with time. Hopefully we will ALL learn with time. We just have to keep encouraging each other along the way.

I have done really great with my meal plan today. I had a good breakfast--cereal, an egg, and milk, lunch--turkey sandwich, some baby carrots, 3 strawberries AND a small slice of cheesecake!!!, and dinner--talapia, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Even though I know I was supposed to eat all of this (except for maybe the cheesecake), I feel absolutely HORRIBLE!! I can't stand this feeling. It just feels like I have completely messed up, and I wonder what in the world was I thinking by eating all of that food in one day! My stomach is sticking out and I just want to go out and run like 10 miles or something. This SUCKS!! I know recovery isn't going to be fun, but is it really supposed to make you feel THIS bad? I know I preach to everyone else about forcing themselves to eat more and to feel good about it, but when I actually do it, it just makes me want to restrict SO MUCH!

I got a phone call from the receptionist for my therapist today, and I told her my problem with finding someone to keep my kids for the full day program. She was supposed to have my therapist call me back, but I never heard back from them. So, all of that is still very much up in the air. I really hope they can work with me on the schedule b/c I am so on the verge of regressing and going back to restricting, you know?

LS, I'm glad you told me that info about the heart and other organs needing padding. I never knew that, and never realized that just by being underweight that it could be dangerous to your heart. That really scared me b/c I have been having so many pains lately. Hearing that really helped me to be able to make myself eat more today too. I think that's how I was able to get myself to eat the cheesecake, cuz I normally wouldn't go anywhere NEAR that!! I just wish I wouldn't let the bad full feelings overrule my common sense that tells me it's a good thing to keep eating. Those bad feelings (from Ed I guess) are really powerful, you know?

Hopefully this full feeling won't last long and I'll get back to thinking it's okay to eat again tomorrow. At least my body got some nutrients today anyway. Hope you had a good "food day" too, LS, and everyone else here too.

Joni, hope you're okay. If you read this, check in and let us know how you're doing, k?
Joni,
Everything is going to be ok!!! I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is!! You have been doing so well following your meal plan and being dedicated to your recovery and I would just hate to see you give up at this point. I can imagine how tiring it must be to have to count calories every single second of the day and worry about getting enough in, but this is temporary and recovery is going to be tedious and difficult no matter what. I feel tired of it and I don't even have to get up to 3500 calories - I just feel tired of pushing myself and trying, you know? But I'm going to keep on doing it simply b/c I know that after I do this for a certain amount of time I will be able to be FREE and not think about it anymore. But if we DON'T recover, then we will have to obsess about calories for the rest of our lives anyway with ED. I know I don't have to convince you that recovery is worth it, but I just don't want you (my biggest inspiration!) to start to feel discouraged.

If it makes you feel any better, I've gained a little weight and I don't even have to/ get to eat 3500 calories. It sort of sucks b/c I'm still exercising, eating healthy (not even eating big desserts and fattening foods) and I gained weight. So, if anything, consider yourself lucky. Because I don't really feel like I'm learning to eat normally since I can't even eat those high calorie foods! Whereas you are learning that you can go to a restaurant and order whatever you want and get a wonderful dessert and not even worry about it.

The advice that girlygirl gave you is right on. You don't have to eat poptarts, trail mix, etc.. like that - you can have that cookie at work and then skip the trail mix if you want or something like that. The whole point of learning to eat normally is to not have it planned out like that (although I know right now we all need plans to help us recover). What you really need to try and do is not let Ed's voice overpower yours. If you have the SLIGHTEST feeling that what you are thinking might be irrational, then it probably is. Like with the cookie - just eat it if you want it! I know that's so much easier said than done, but thinking about it in the first place is only ED. I promise you that. Most people eat on a more unconscious level and we are more consicious about it - which can be good SOMETIMES, but it can be terrible for us most of the time. And don't be afraid that once you start gaining weight you won't be able to eat whatever you want. Sometimes I get scared of that...when my nutritionist or people say "right now, you can have chocolate cake if you want!" the first thing I think is "right now"...hmmm...that means that then I'll gain weight from it and then I can never have chocolate cake again. But that is not the case. Just ignore that thought and trust that everything will fall into place. That's the only way to get through recovery I think - trust the future even though it is completely unknown. It's so hard.
Gosh, look at me go!

Dawg, I'm so happy that you are starting the program monday - yay!!!! I think that eating at the clinic and having to sit there with it will be SO wonderful for you b/c you will be able to realize that being full is OK and if you feel anxious or upset you will have a support team right there to talk about it with you. I know it will be so hard at first, but I have complete confidence that you can do it. Our Health is our most important asset and we need to realize that....why would we want to hurt that!??!

Girlygirl, your advice to all of us is so great. I asked you before, but I'm not sure if you saw it - where are you in your recovery? Do you feel pretty confident that you are almost fully recovered or do you still struggle a lot of the time. I'm just looking for inspiration and reassurance.

Hope you all have a wonderful saturday!!
L
LS-

Sorry I missed your question before! WEll, for me, it's hard to say. I wouldn't say that I'm completely recovered because I know I still have hangups about little things. For example, eating out (like in restaurants) is still SOMEWHAT challenging and usually I try to stick to the same sorta thing liek a salad with some form of protein on it. Eating at home, however, I just recently realized Ive been eating a lil too..little..and that I needed to increase it a bit..not to mention I was (unintentionally) cutting out most fats in my diet. I saw a nutritionist a few times and that helped a lot in terms of getting the reassurance I need to eat properly (eat enough cals/fat/etc). I still have days where I feel heavier but usually I get over it by telling myself that it's just a bad day and that if I still feel this way after a few days, then I can worry (and lo and behold, usually by the next day everything is cool). I try to take everyday as its seperate self- for example, overeating yesterday doesn't mean I'll compensate today, because even if I did overeat and gain weight (which logically doesnt make sense), eating at my regular amt won't sustain that extra weight, so there's no point in depriving myself and playing with my mind further. I find that when I obsess over food most is usually when I'm depriving myself or being too controlling, and that's when I step back and try to just eat like Im used to- 3 good meals, 2 snacks per day. I definitely try NOT to let "those feelings" dictate anything in my life, and if they do, ONLY what I eat (as in I don't let it interfere with my social life or my emotions or etc). A lot of my motivation comes from wanting to be "normal" and "healthy" in everyone elses eye (while still being thin in mine), and jsut being able to go out and have a good time and not worry about little things like when or what to eat at specific times.

In relation to your situation, I dealt with a lot of the same things that you are dealing with. I really truly do find that the easiest way to get through the tought patches (ie the fullness, the fat feelings, the worry, fear..) is to just stick with a concrete meal plan. Although it would seem logical to try to "eat to signals" or "listen to your body", it's not comign from where you are (and where I did). Trust me, Ive had days where the fullness is almost unbearable, but you have to realize that if you STICK TO A PLAN that things are being controlled, but in a good way (vs how your ED controls things). By a plan, I mean try to set somewhat exact times to eat and backup plans for skipped meals (ie. if you sleep in, you have to make up the meal you may have skipped). Eating by the clock (somewhat, for now) really helps you to establish somewhat regular signals, down the road. Don't expect to be hungry for everything! Its hard, but really I find this the best and one of the only ways to establish healthy eating patterns and reestablish normal body signals. In addition, DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF- I used to, religiously, until one day I got upset and frustrated because I had gained something stupid like a pound. I realized that the scale was dictating my mood and really i didnt enjoy or want that- I simply felt it was necessary in order to ensure I was in control of my weight. Slowly though, I realized that as long as i eat regularly, normally and just focus on other things about myself, the scale really is so much ebtter away from me. Now I get weighed at the doc (yes, I see it, and yes, I still hold my breath sometimes) and so far its been working well for me because I've found ways to cope with my "bad" feelings (ie when i feel ibve gained) without giving in to the ED that says I should weigh myself.

Anyways, I hope I shed some light on some things!





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