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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

Hi ladies! Sorry i've been away for a couple days, i missed ya both! I usually don't get onto the computer on the weekends (i think i start hating it after sitting at one 40+ hours M-F, lol) and i was just really busy monday and tuesday. but i'm back in business! i read through this post and i don't really have much to add, except that i've been feeling kind of *crappy* too. i think you both gave some great advice to each other and i just want to back up a couple of the things you each said that i think were really accurate (mainly, i just feel like posting and i ain't got nothin' else to say!)

ls, the "uncomfortably full," yep, that's what it is. it's not just "full" all the time, it really is "stuffed" at least 50% of the time (if not more). it's just that your body is not used to consuming the correct amount of food to sustain itself and it will take time to adjust. it WILL adjust and later down the line you'll be able to rely on your body's signals of "hungry" and "full", but for now, no way. those signals are totally skewed, not only by Ed's voice, but also by your body's screwed up chemistry and stuff. so yeah, you're gonna probably be REALLY full at first, but i promise, it'll get easier eventually. also, you NEED more than just "hungry/full" amounts of food to gain weight, you know? so even if your body was having normal hunger signals (which it's not), you would STILL need to eat more than just in response to those signals so you can gain weight. just for reference, take a look at my situation: i'm currently consuming a little over 3500 calories a day (oh yeah, we upped it even more this week, ugh). do you honestly think i can do that relying on hunger/full signals? no way! i eat according to the clock, i guess. i am RARELY hungry, NEVER starving. i eat VERY often, even though i'm not hungry for it. and i am VERY VERY full at certain points in the day (especially by the time i go to bed. i look/feel like a buddha then!) there are days when i want to cry because i'm not even hungry for dinner and i know i still need to eat that, drink juice, have a substantial snack and eat a large dessert. but you just have to do it, cuz there's really no other way. it hits 6:30 and i force myself to eat dinner, regardless of hunger, because otherwise i know there's no way i'll be able to A) get to bed at a decent hour (cuz i'd still have to eat more) and B) ever beat this thing and actually be able to listen to my body for the first time in a couple years. i know my situation is kind of bizarre and extreme, but you wouldn't argue and tell me that i shouldn't be eating all those calories, would you? because you KNOW i wouldn't be able to gain weight without them. same thing goes for you. you aren't alone in feeling absolutely, completely f***ing fat and terrible (i feel this way probably 5 out of 7 days a week from all that food and lots of other girls do too.

so, (wow that got lengthy!) i guess i'm saying you've just gotta stick with it and know that you're going to feel this way. i think eating according to the clock is the best way to do it. that way you ensure that you eat 3 meals and snacks (you still gotta work on those!) and it's not all the sudden 8pm at night and all you've eaten is some berries and lunch, you know? like you said to dawg, consistency is key and i think going by the clock is a great way to acheive that consistency. i do feel for you though, hon. this part of it REALLY sucks.

dawg, those chest pains have got me worried! if they continue for more than a couple days, you should get into your doctor just to make sure everything's okay. heart problems are a major (and very frightening) side effect of anorexia and it worries me that you may be having some symptoms or something. just keep a very close eye on it. i'm sorry all the scheduling is so difficult. i wish i could quit my job, move down to "Hot-lanta" and baby-sit your kids for you (i love kids!) just keep brainstorming ideas of friends, family, etc. that can help. are there any daycare programs associated with your church? sometimes churches can be a really great place to find (cheap) help for stuff like that. and just keep your chin up and tell yourself "this will work out" like 10 times a day. cuz it WILL work out and you WILL get the help you need. it stinks that it's so hard to arrange, but i have faith that everything will somehow click into place and get organized. do the people at the treatment center have any advice? maybe ask them what other women in your situation have done in the past (cuz there have to have been MANY women with the same scheduling difficulties). anyway, just keep thinking creatively about a solution, have faith and don't give up.

anyway, that's pretty much everything. as for me, i've been feeling down/fat lately. (i SO wish i could convince myself that "fat" was not an emotion, lol!) VERY full and lethargic (cuz i still can't walk AT ALL) and just blah. i'm starting to feel like all this 3500 calories of food is actually making things worse. my entire day is scheduled by when and what i have to eat and there's no real way around it, because if i don't keep an eye on the clock and have a structured plan, there's NO WAY i'd be able to eat it all, you know? it's like my evenings consist of little time blocks between when i have to eat something. this is no way to live! all i ever think about is FOOD, all i ever do is EAT and i don't see any way out! i can't just go shopping or something in the evening, unless i bring 2-3 snacks along. it's just all beginning to seem like too much work and i worry that it's making me MORE obsessed with food. after all, it's a complete FIXATION for me right now. but if it's not that way, i'd never eat all the stuff i'm supposed to, you know? i'm just starting to wonder whether it's really helping at all. i don't know, i plan to bring this up with my therapist on saturday, but i'm just feeling pretty down about it. i can't even get enough sleep on the weekdays, cuz i have to stay up late every night so i can successfully eat all the crap i'm supposed to for my meal plan. so then i'm tired and cranky feeling all the time. i have sore muscles and joints because for the past three weeks ALL i've done is sit in a desk/in the car/on the couch. i'm stuffed full 24/7 and still having digestion problems. i can't even do "fun" stuff (like go out with friends), because i have to fit in all that da** food! (because normal people don't consume a package of pop-tarts, a Boost drink and trail mix between dinner and dessert, you know?) and, to make it all worse, i still have to count stupid calories EVERY day and i'm still terrified of gaining weight (which is part of the "fat" thing; i think i might be gaining this week maybe). where's the good?!? i need some loving words and advice, girls. i'm really just starting to think that the way i've been going about this is all wrong. i'm still counting calories, i'm MORE obsessed with food, i'm miserable and feel anti-social, ugh. help!

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