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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Hi Joni! I think I bought "Everything is Illuminated," but never read it. I love David Sedaris - he's written "Naked," "Dress your family in corduroy and denim," "Me talk pretty one day." He's a HILARIOUS author and his books are the kind that you can pick up and leave off anywhere and not feel like you have to keep repeating the same chapter to remember what happened (if you only knew how many times I have to do that.)....haha.

I'd love to see Cabaret on stage! You know what I just saw a couple of weeks ago that I absolutely LOVED (not a musical)? CIRQUE DU SOLEIL!! It was AMAZING! Honestly, if you guys get a chance to see it, GO. I want to be an acrobat now. Haha. I'm joining the circus!

OK - so to the issue here - do you really feel that strongly that I don't eat enough? Because I feel like I have been eating more than I was before, definitely, and if I compare myself to what "normal" people eat and think about how full I feel, I feel like I'm right up in there...if that makes sense. I don't think it did.
My chicken bowl last night was from a take-out restaurant. It was basically a big bowl that he put brown rice in the bottom of and then topped it with white meat chicken that he cut up and then a bunch of broc, cauli, and carrots. I put soy sauce and some teriyaki sauce on it.
And as far as my lunch goes, I deliberately made it more "fattening" by adding the avocado (and of course my LF cottage cheese had fat in it). I was totally full/satisfied after both meals and did not feel the urge or need for a snack midday. If anything, I wasn't even sure if I should eat dinner as early as I did (even though it was already 6:30). Maybe my body just isn't giving me the hunger signals it should or I am ignoring them - I don't know. How do you know when your blood sugar gets too low? I can't remember ever feeling a significant drop in energy - but maybe that's b/c I'm always sort of low energy - I don't know.

My nutritionist doesn't seem TOO concerned, but maybe she's trying to be low-profile about it, you know? I tell her I had guacamole on my burrito and she's like "this was a great day" and then I'm like, wait, does that mean that was supposed to be hard for me to do b/c I could totally eat avocado every single day (and do) if she wanted me to. I addressed the sweets issue with her last time (just like you did Dawg) and we came up with some ideas for desserts/sweets that I could have in a controlled manner: frozen yogurt with reeses pb cups, chocolate covered almonds (10), candy bar - these are just things she knows I like and would be comfortable with, but once again I get scared of things like, what if I wanted 20 chocolate covered almonds - It's supposed to be hard for me to reach these goals and here I go surpassing them! I know that's a ridiculous thought, though.

No, I have not gained weight ( I don't think). In fact, from a week or so ago I am down a pound (but my weight is constantly fluctuating due to salt, my period, what ive eaten, etc). It's just funny b/c I go into the nutritionist each week and say "I"ve definitely gained weight this week - I ate so much" and it never changes. Not funny - more like annoying actually.

I just seriously feel like I am a) eating big meals b) eating when I am hungry c) including more fat and c) just eating more in general and I just can't imagine that I am undereating, as you say. I know you are eating a lot more calories than I am, but you need that to gain weight - my body is responding differently. And the exercise - that's an entirely different story. I'm starting to get that way where I think I HAVE to do it certain days and I hate letting it have that control over me.

Enough about me, Dawg, how are you doing? Tomorrow is your appointment! I'm so excited for you! I know you are probably very nervsous, but please don't back out and know that you are doing the most important thing for yourself by seeking treatment. You are strong - you can do this! Joni and I (and everyone for that matter!) are here for you if you need to/want to talk. Good luck!!!
hey ls! wow, you WERE on a rampage! ed's can really piss us off, can't they? (i get that way all the time, lol) anyway, you really REALLY shouldn't feel angry/disappointed with yourself for getting frustrated and pissy because you were hungry. that is COMPLETELY normal and it's what happens to everyone when they're hungry because your blood sugar drops really low. how to avoid it then? you got it: don't let yourself get hungry, ever!

what happened yesterday was pretty bad, hon, and it was bad on a couple levels. i'm sorry i keep coming on you and harping on this same old crap over and over, but i just want you to see WHY it's a problem and i want you to see that it's something that happens every day with your diet. so, on that note, here goes (i'll try not to get too wordy with it :) )

eating lunch at 1:30 and planning on eating dinner AFTER a meeting that begins at 6:30??? why? did you honestly THINK that that was a good idea? why didn't you plan on eating before? or at least bringing some VERY substansile snacks to make it through until dinner? i understand that you may not have known the length of the meeting exactly, but come on! you're an intelligent woman and you're letting Ed convince you to follow his moronic ideas! do you know ANYONE who can make it that long without food? it's very unhealthy and i'm not surprised you were starving and irritable when the meeting was over. you NEED to be eating something (even if its just something little) every 2 hours-ish. that's the healthy and normal way of nourishing your body. and since you're supposed to be gaining weight (which is NEVER gonna happen if you keep eating like this, by the way), you REALLY need to incorporate snacks every single day. and they can't just be 5 sugar-free gummy bears, you know? a couple of posts ago, you questioned whether you might not be registering your "hunger signals," remember? i wanted to let you know that that is most likely happening. in addition, you've trained your body to exist on very little food, so that's what it's used to right now. that's why you eat WAY too few calories everyday and "feel full." it's simply not acceptable. slowly, you need to be increasing your calories so your body gets used to consuming normal amounts of food and so it gets used to and WANTS the amount of food it needs to sustain itself and run properly. when i started out in therapy i was eating 1200 a day (probably very similar to what you're doing now) and i was "eating when i was hungry" and "full" at the end of the day. but that's cuz i had deprived my body for so long, that's what it was used to. anyway, NOW, i can't imagine feeling "full" and "eating when i'm hungry" on anything less than 2100 calories a day, in reality probably more like 2400. if i tried to eat 1200 again, i'd be STARVING all day. but that doesn't happen without forcing yourself to eat more over time, so your body remembers how to work. i don't know, i'm sick of writing this over and over, but THIS is why i feel like you need some friggin' guidance from that nutritionist. it's not easy to eat more when you're "not hungry," and that's the structure that a meal plan provides. anyway ...

one more thing about yesterday and i'll drop it. a lean cuisine for dinner??? and you're trying to tell me you think you eat "a lot" and "not diety" foods?? bullsh** and i'm sorry. you cannot eat that crap for a meal, ESPECIALLY dinner! those things are all under 300 calories and oh boy, you had some cottage cheese, so maybe your dinner was almost 400 calories tops. you honestly think this is gonna help you in ANY way? if you want lean cuisines, eat them for lunch, WITH other food, but for dinner they're absolutely unacceptable. if you need something quick, figure something else out, but if you want to recover, you need to stop allowing Ed to tell you that stuff is okay.

okay, now i'm done being "mean Joni." i'm sorry, i feel like i'm always being bi*chy to you, but i'm worried cuz nothing seems to be changing, you know? although i should talk. i still get all freaked out about food and stuff and i think my weight may've slipped this week (even though i haven't changed anything!) my "digestion" issues have subsided, i'm finally "going" normally once again, i don't feel sick and bloated all the time ... but that comfort and normalcy comes at the price of the weight i had gained? oh man, i am FRUSTRATED. this whole "i will gain weight" thing is just seeming more and more futile, you know?

anyway, in response to your question, no i don't really have any reservations about types of food as long as it's relatively easy to count the calories, you know? cuz that's what it's always been all about for me. so basically, if i can count it, i'll eat it. obviously certain foods (fried chicken, cheesecake) are more restricted (in the history of my ed, i mean) because they're higher calories and harder to fit into my daily "plan," but i've always been open to mostly all foods. in terms of lots of different ethnicities of foods, i haven't had a ton of different types, but i'm always open to trying stuff (unless it's too spicy or just weird looking/smelling!) my budget and Ed make going out to eat harder, but i do enjoy it, you know? i am a definite "meat & potatoes" girl though (good Irish/German family) so i'd often rather eat pork chops and mashed potatoes (even in a restaurant) than some exotic cuisine. i guess what i'm saying is, I'm rather dull! i'll have to look for some persian food in the city maybe -- what's it like? i need to start expanding myself past bar restaurants (i LOVE sandwiches/burgers), pizza, sushi and my meat/potatoes joints, you know?

anyway, have a good day and i'm sorry again for attacking you like that. i mean what i said, but i just hate that i'm ALWAYS saying it like some annoying broken record!

dawg lady, thinking of you today and can't wait to hear how it went!
Hi Joni! I was so glad to hear from you - I thought you fell off the face of the earth! Haha.
First of all, thank you for the reassurance about the "full" feeling. It's just so hard to sit with that buddha belly (as you called it, haha). This is going to sound REALLY disgusting (I'm sorry!), but sometimes I get so full that I am burping up food for like an hour after I eat. This happens even if I'm not extremely full - is this normal? It's been happening for a while now and I'm just sort of used to it. Does this happen to you ever? What does it mean? Should I be worried?

About you - keep your spirits up!! You are doing so awesome and I know that this is getting tedious, but there is no question that what you are doing is beneficial and you WILL gain weight (I know that's scary, but it has to happen) and you WILL get healthy. I promise you that. I am just amazed at how well you are sticking to your meal plan and not straying from what your therapist and dietitian tell you. Don't take this the wrong way, but usually there is a lot of struggle that goes on with that and I am so inspired by how matter-of-factly you are handling it. I know that Ed's voice is still in your head a lot of the time, but how do you overpower him? How do you stay up after dinner JUST to eat more food or get up early JUST to eat breakfast. I can't do that. Did you have a hard time with this in the beginning or have you always been able to stick to your meal plan so diligently? I'm not saying what you are doing is unusual or bad or ANYTHING like that - I am saying that it is wonderful and I wish I could do that!

Dawg - what's going on with you? KEEP EATING and don't feel bad or exercise or anything. I promise you 1032098437 times that you will NOT get fat and you need to give your body rest and nourishment to let it get healthy. Have you thought any more about a nanny for your kids to let you go to therapy? Friends? Church (good suggestion, Joni)? I really feel strengly that you need this treatment right now and I think you need to do all you can to get it.

I'm feeling sort of gross right now myself b/c I waited until 9:30pm to eat dinner last night (I know, I know!!! But I had another meeting thing!!!) And so by the time I ate I was very hungry and I scarfed down a burrito and a side of mexican rice. The burrito had chicken, rice, black beans, salsa, and guacamole in it. This morning I felt like I was still full from eating that burrito so late, but I ate breakfast and had starbucks and then I went out to lunch later and had a big Greek salad with chicken and feta. I just feel like my stomach is getting SO much larger and I am never happy and comfortable after I eat - I am always thinking about how I shouldn't have eaten SOMETHING at that meal - today it is the feta. I shouldn't have eaten the feta on my salad. The only consolation is that I ran for 30 minutes yesterday and I feel pretty good about that, but still!! I know that I probably haven't gained a ton of weight, but I honestly feel larger and it is such a hard feeling to sit with.
hi girls, good to hear from you all. dawg, i'm really glad you've decided to make the full committment for the treatment you need. the scheduling sounded like a nightmare, so i hope you feel some relief and calm now that it's all worked out. i'm really excited for you to begin! just try to put everything in their hands. you've worked very hard up to this point and, not that you should stop working as hard as you've been, but now you can lean back and let them support you. that's what they're there for after all. so i know it seems overwhelming and terrifying, but just try to relax this weekend as you get ready for it. when it all seems like it's too much, you know you can just lean back and let them hold you up, you know? anyway, i know you're gonna do great and i hope that everything goes really smoothly for you. still keep us posted as much as you can ... we're gonna miss you if you don't! :)

as for me, i'm feeling a little better, but i'm really eager to get into therapy this saturday. i'm starting to realize that what we're doing now is making me absolutely miserable and i don't think that's right. i've ALWAYS stuck to my meal/exercise plans and i've kept my chin up, but lately, i really can't take it anymore. i simply cannot eat this much and not exercise at all. it's hurting my body, it's hurting my mind and emotions and if anything, i'm MORE obsessed with food because i'm constantly trying to fit it all in. how is this helping? i don't want to start on another rant, but i feel very strongly that something's gotta change. i don't deserve to be forced to feel (both physically AND mentally) like this, you know?

i tried to find some solace in what you all said to me about freedom in eating, choosing higher calorie foods, etc., but honestly, i feel like it's not that simple. first of all, i already eat a TON of high calorie/high fat/"junk" foods. i eat them very often and without hesitation because it makes it MUCH easier to get the calories in. does my health and energy level suffer from this? yeah, i think so, but there's really no other way, you know? i often feel sluggish, bloated, etc. and i'm willing to bet its from a lot of the "junk" i eat, but it's either that or deal with being even MORE stuffed throughout the day. i guess i'd rather feel sh**ty every day, you know? and in terms of being able to go out and eat a big double cheeseburger and fries cuz i know i can and not worrying about it? again, i don't feel like it's that black and white. i can and do eat those high calorie meals, BUT i still have to keep track of the total calories, because we've got me on SUCH a high calorie diet, that those meals STILL don't add up to enough and i always have to add a couple hundred calories through a snack or whatever. so i can't just eat and enjoy anything any more. does that make sense? plus, Ed chimes in with something like this: "you're already eating 3500+ calories EVERY single day, (fat pig). do you REALLY want to eat more than that EVER?!?!" so i guess because i'm eating SO much every day and i feel that it's so abnormal, i am wary of ever eating MORE than that, you know? like if i was learning to eat a somewhat more "normal" diet and there were big cookies in the office (like there were yesterday), i would have one if i wanted it. because in my brain, normal people eating normal quantities of food every day eat a cookie if they want one. however, because i'm eating an OBSCENE amount of food everyday i figure, "why the he** would i want to add another 250ish calories to that?!? do i really want to eat close to 4000 calories today??? i'm not hungry (never am anymore) and i know that i'm gonna have to eat a snack, dinner, pop-tarts, a muffin, chocolate milk and dessert before i can actually go to sleep, so do i REALLY want to eat any more than that and make myself MORE full and make myself get to bed even LATER???" and the answer is always no. that's how it goes with everything! i can't just eat an "indulgence" because my whole friggin' day is an indulgence! i eat SO much that there's no room for me to live anymore. my entire life is food and i am SO sick of it.

anyway, that's my rant. i'm hoping my appointment this saturday will help cuz i really can't do this anymore. i've gained two pounds this week, but it's my pre-period week, so i'm hoping she'll still count it as weight gain and get me off this idiot diet. we'll see!





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