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Yes LS, I really do notice how Ed makes it seem like everything we should not be doing, we should, and everything we should be doing, we shouldn't. It can definitely make you feel like you're going crazy if you let it. You know one of the things that drives me crazy is those stupid commercials where the girl says "I went from a size 10 to a size 4 in "X" amount of weeks"--that's one of the times when Ed really kicks in for me and says something like "see, SHE was able to lose alot of weight and it didn't hurt her, so you can keep losing and it won't hurt you either". I hate all of the diet commercials, they always make me feel horrible--while I'm trying to make myself eat MORE, those people are encouraging you to eat LESS. I know they're not intended for people with ED's, but they still get to me.

LS, I hope you didn't get mad at what I said about you needing to eat more calories. It's just that I know you feel bad any time you feel like you've eaten too much for one day, and I wanted you to realize you can still eat way more and be just fine. Also, I know what you mean about knowing you shouldn't weigh, but feeling like you just really want to know after having eaten more for a while. That's not a wonderful feeling, I wish I could make myself not care what the scale would say if I was able to get on one right now.

I have run into a problem with the outpatient clinic I'm supposed to be going to. The clinic called me back on Friday and told me my therapist is adamant about me starting in the full-day program, and she wants me to do that for SERVERAL WEEKS!!! There is just no way I can commit to that much time away from home. I cannot afford to pay someone to come and keep my kids for me, and my husband can't possibly take that much time off work. It would be difficult enough to do the full-day for one week, much less more than that. I was really hoping she would let me start off in the half-day program, at least at first, to see if that would help. And even the half-day is going to be hard b/c I will have to have someone come to my house everyday to be here for my 2 oldest kids when they get home from school, while keeping my 2 yr old as well. My husband is very supportive and was planning on taking next Wed, Thur, and Fri off, and maybe a couple of days that next week if he had to, but he can't be off indefinitely. Plus he's taking evening classes M-Th right now, which he can't miss no matter what--and evenings are when my 2 oldest kids have ball practice and/or ballgames. Evenings wouldn't be a problem if I just did the half-day program. I am so frustrated right now, I just don't know what to do. It really feels like none of this is going to happen now. Joni, I know you said that things would fall into place, and I really though they would too, but it's not turning out that way. The only thing I think might help me is the fact that I have not seen my therapist in like 5 or 6 weeks, and I'm doing much better now than I was then. Back then, I was still making all kinds of excuses for not wanting to eat or gain any weight at all, but now I have a meal plan and I try really hard to follow it almost every day. Anyway, I'm hoping she might change her mind once she hears how hard I've been trying. Other than that, I guess I'm stuck again. It's really disheartening to take things this far and still get no where, you know?

Gosh, I guess that was way too long, sorry about that. I just wanted ya'll to know some of the details so you wouldn't think I was just trying to make up silly excuses for not wanting to go to the full-day program. Heck, if I had no kids to worry about, I probably would have already agreed to go to the inpatient program (which is what my therapist really wants me to do), since there would be no one depending on me at home. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected this whole recovery thing to be that easy, right?

Please let me know what ya'll think about all of this, I'm really interested to hear your opinions.

Hope ya'll are having a great weekend!!
LS,

You are doing soooo AWESOME!!! PLEASE don't quit now!!! I was so happy when I read that you ate dinner even after being full from lunch, and that you snacked some in between. Would it help you to feel a little better if you knew you were helping someone else by doing what you're doing? Because you are totally inspiring me to try even harder. Any time I hear good stuff about recovering from you or Joni or anyone else here on this board, it gives me inspiration and more motivation to keep pushing myself. It helps me think "if they can do it, so can I!" So please keep up the good work. You know recovery is going to suck, but you are NOT going to get fat--seriously, you're not! I don't know if you feel like me, but for me, it's just that I don't want to HAVE to eat, and I don't want to HAVE to gain weight. I don't really believe I'm going to get fat if I recover, I just know that I'm going to have to do the things that I really don't want to have to do. And I DON'T want to give up the control I have over eating, you know? So is that how you feel, or do you really and truly think you will get fat from eating a normal amount of food. I mean, I KNOW you FEEL like you're already getting fat when you eat and feel like you're stuffed, but you have to know that's just part of the uncomfortable crap that goes along with recovery, right? Everyone has warned us that that will be part of it, so we should already expect that to happen. It doesn't necessarily make us feel any better, but it lets us know that it is NORMAL to feel that way, you know? I really do wish you could stop weighing yourself, you KNOW that is totally giving in to Ed!! The only way you'll be able to stop yourself from weighing is getting rid of the scale. It is just too hard to resist with an ED. And if you have to, stop going to that stupid gym where there is a scale available to you. If you have to exercise, just go outside and walk a mile or two (or whatever your therapist and gp allow you to do).

The main thing here though is, DO NOT start restricting again or going back to only "safe" foods!!! Do you really want to go backwards in your recovery? That would be the same as me saying I'm just not going to even try to go to this clinic at all since I can't seem to work out the schedule. That would just be giving up for both of us. I talked to my pastor tonight about my situation, and he told me I HAD to do whatever it took to get better, schedule conflicts or not, b/c right now my husband could miss work or class or whatever it took to help me, but if I keep putting off recovery, I might not be around anymore anyway (wow, now THAT would definitely be a problem for everyone's schedule!!) So I've decided I'm just going to do what I have to do. I want you to do the same. If you have to sit and MAKE yourself eat and feel full all day long, then DO IT!! Hate it or not, you just HAVE to, okay?

I have been having ALOT of chest pains lately, and they are really starting to scare me, so I'm getting even more serious about wanting to get this whole thing under control. Have you guys ever had chest pains (due to your ED's)? For me, they just seem to come and go, but they really hurt when I get them, they make it difficult to breath for a few seconds, then they stop. Do you think that's anything to worry about? I mean, my EKG came back normal, so could it be that this is all in my head or something? I didn't tell them at the clinic that any of this was going on, but as the pains have gotten more frequent, I'm wondering if maybe I should have. I also felt really "faint" in the car today on the way home from our church. I didn't say anything to my husband about it, but I wondered if that could possibly be related at all to the chest pains I've been having. What do you guys think?

LS, please respond and let me know what's going on with you.

Joni, how was your weekend? Full of food and fun, I hope!!





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