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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


hey ls! wow, you WERE on a rampage! ed's can really piss us off, can't they? (i get that way all the time, lol) anyway, you really REALLY shouldn't feel angry/disappointed with yourself for getting frustrated and pissy because you were hungry. that is COMPLETELY normal and it's what happens to everyone when they're hungry because your blood sugar drops really low. how to avoid it then? you got it: don't let yourself get hungry, ever!

what happened yesterday was pretty bad, hon, and it was bad on a couple levels. i'm sorry i keep coming on you and harping on this same old crap over and over, but i just want you to see WHY it's a problem and i want you to see that it's something that happens every day with your diet. so, on that note, here goes (i'll try not to get too wordy with it :) )

eating lunch at 1:30 and planning on eating dinner AFTER a meeting that begins at 6:30??? why? did you honestly THINK that that was a good idea? why didn't you plan on eating before? or at least bringing some VERY substansile snacks to make it through until dinner? i understand that you may not have known the length of the meeting exactly, but come on! you're an intelligent woman and you're letting Ed convince you to follow his moronic ideas! do you know ANYONE who can make it that long without food? it's very unhealthy and i'm not surprised you were starving and irritable when the meeting was over. you NEED to be eating something (even if its just something little) every 2 hours-ish. that's the healthy and normal way of nourishing your body. and since you're supposed to be gaining weight (which is NEVER gonna happen if you keep eating like this, by the way), you REALLY need to incorporate snacks every single day. and they can't just be 5 sugar-free gummy bears, you know? a couple of posts ago, you questioned whether you might not be registering your "hunger signals," remember? i wanted to let you know that that is most likely happening. in addition, you've trained your body to exist on very little food, so that's what it's used to right now. that's why you eat WAY too few calories everyday and "feel full." it's simply not acceptable. slowly, you need to be increasing your calories so your body gets used to consuming normal amounts of food and so it gets used to and WANTS the amount of food it needs to sustain itself and run properly. when i started out in therapy i was eating 1200 a day (probably very similar to what you're doing now) and i was "eating when i was hungry" and "full" at the end of the day. but that's cuz i had deprived my body for so long, that's what it was used to. anyway, NOW, i can't imagine feeling "full" and "eating when i'm hungry" on anything less than 2100 calories a day, in reality probably more like 2400. if i tried to eat 1200 again, i'd be STARVING all day. but that doesn't happen without forcing yourself to eat more over time, so your body remembers how to work. i don't know, i'm sick of writing this over and over, but THIS is why i feel like you need some friggin' guidance from that nutritionist. it's not easy to eat more when you're "not hungry," and that's the structure that a meal plan provides. anyway ...

one more thing about yesterday and i'll drop it. a lean cuisine for dinner??? and you're trying to tell me you think you eat "a lot" and "not diety" foods?? bullsh** and i'm sorry. you cannot eat that crap for a meal, ESPECIALLY dinner! those things are all under 300 calories and oh boy, you had some cottage cheese, so maybe your dinner was almost 400 calories tops. you honestly think this is gonna help you in ANY way? if you want lean cuisines, eat them for lunch, WITH other food, but for dinner they're absolutely unacceptable. if you need something quick, figure something else out, but if you want to recover, you need to stop allowing Ed to tell you that stuff is okay.

okay, now i'm done being "mean Joni." i'm sorry, i feel like i'm always being bi*chy to you, but i'm worried cuz nothing seems to be changing, you know? although i should talk. i still get all freaked out about food and stuff and i think my weight may've slipped this week (even though i haven't changed anything!) my "digestion" issues have subsided, i'm finally "going" normally once again, i don't feel sick and bloated all the time ... but that comfort and normalcy comes at the price of the weight i had gained? oh man, i am FRUSTRATED. this whole "i will gain weight" thing is just seeming more and more futile, you know?

anyway, in response to your question, no i don't really have any reservations about types of food as long as it's relatively easy to count the calories, you know? cuz that's what it's always been all about for me. so basically, if i can count it, i'll eat it. obviously certain foods (fried chicken, cheesecake) are more restricted (in the history of my ed, i mean) because they're higher calories and harder to fit into my daily "plan," but i've always been open to mostly all foods. in terms of lots of different ethnicities of foods, i haven't had a ton of different types, but i'm always open to trying stuff (unless it's too spicy or just weird looking/smelling!) my budget and Ed make going out to eat harder, but i do enjoy it, you know? i am a definite "meat & potatoes" girl though (good Irish/German family) so i'd often rather eat pork chops and mashed potatoes (even in a restaurant) than some exotic cuisine. i guess what i'm saying is, I'm rather dull! i'll have to look for some persian food in the city maybe -- what's it like? i need to start expanding myself past bar restaurants (i LOVE sandwiches/burgers), pizza, sushi and my meat/potatoes joints, you know?

anyway, have a good day and i'm sorry again for attacking you like that. i mean what i said, but i just hate that i'm ALWAYS saying it like some annoying broken record!

dawg lady, thinking of you today and can't wait to hear how it went!
hi girls, good to hear from you all. dawg, i'm really glad you've decided to make the full committment for the treatment you need. the scheduling sounded like a nightmare, so i hope you feel some relief and calm now that it's all worked out. i'm really excited for you to begin! just try to put everything in their hands. you've worked very hard up to this point and, not that you should stop working as hard as you've been, but now you can lean back and let them support you. that's what they're there for after all. so i know it seems overwhelming and terrifying, but just try to relax this weekend as you get ready for it. when it all seems like it's too much, you know you can just lean back and let them hold you up, you know? anyway, i know you're gonna do great and i hope that everything goes really smoothly for you. still keep us posted as much as you can ... we're gonna miss you if you don't! :)

as for me, i'm feeling a little better, but i'm really eager to get into therapy this saturday. i'm starting to realize that what we're doing now is making me absolutely miserable and i don't think that's right. i've ALWAYS stuck to my meal/exercise plans and i've kept my chin up, but lately, i really can't take it anymore. i simply cannot eat this much and not exercise at all. it's hurting my body, it's hurting my mind and emotions and if anything, i'm MORE obsessed with food because i'm constantly trying to fit it all in. how is this helping? i don't want to start on another rant, but i feel very strongly that something's gotta change. i don't deserve to be forced to feel (both physically AND mentally) like this, you know?

i tried to find some solace in what you all said to me about freedom in eating, choosing higher calorie foods, etc., but honestly, i feel like it's not that simple. first of all, i already eat a TON of high calorie/high fat/"junk" foods. i eat them very often and without hesitation because it makes it MUCH easier to get the calories in. does my health and energy level suffer from this? yeah, i think so, but there's really no other way, you know? i often feel sluggish, bloated, etc. and i'm willing to bet its from a lot of the "junk" i eat, but it's either that or deal with being even MORE stuffed throughout the day. i guess i'd rather feel sh**ty every day, you know? and in terms of being able to go out and eat a big double cheeseburger and fries cuz i know i can and not worrying about it? again, i don't feel like it's that black and white. i can and do eat those high calorie meals, BUT i still have to keep track of the total calories, because we've got me on SUCH a high calorie diet, that those meals STILL don't add up to enough and i always have to add a couple hundred calories through a snack or whatever. so i can't just eat and enjoy anything any more. does that make sense? plus, Ed chimes in with something like this: "you're already eating 3500+ calories EVERY single day, (fat pig). do you REALLY want to eat more than that EVER?!?!" so i guess because i'm eating SO much every day and i feel that it's so abnormal, i am wary of ever eating MORE than that, you know? like if i was learning to eat a somewhat more "normal" diet and there were big cookies in the office (like there were yesterday), i would have one if i wanted it. because in my brain, normal people eating normal quantities of food every day eat a cookie if they want one. however, because i'm eating an OBSCENE amount of food everyday i figure, "why the he** would i want to add another 250ish calories to that?!? do i really want to eat close to 4000 calories today??? i'm not hungry (never am anymore) and i know that i'm gonna have to eat a snack, dinner, pop-tarts, a muffin, chocolate milk and dessert before i can actually go to sleep, so do i REALLY want to eat any more than that and make myself MORE full and make myself get to bed even LATER???" and the answer is always no. that's how it goes with everything! i can't just eat an "indulgence" because my whole friggin' day is an indulgence! i eat SO much that there's no room for me to live anymore. my entire life is food and i am SO sick of it.

anyway, that's my rant. i'm hoping my appointment this saturday will help cuz i really can't do this anymore. i've gained two pounds this week, but it's my pre-period week, so i'm hoping she'll still count it as weight gain and get me off this idiot diet. we'll see!





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