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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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hi girls, good to hear from you all. dawg, i'm really glad you've decided to make the full committment for the treatment you need. the scheduling sounded like a nightmare, so i hope you feel some relief and calm now that it's all worked out. i'm really excited for you to begin! just try to put everything in their hands. you've worked very hard up to this point and, not that you should stop working as hard as you've been, but now you can lean back and let them support you. that's what they're there for after all. so i know it seems overwhelming and terrifying, but just try to relax this weekend as you get ready for it. when it all seems like it's too much, you know you can just lean back and let them hold you up, you know? anyway, i know you're gonna do great and i hope that everything goes really smoothly for you. still keep us posted as much as you can ... we're gonna miss you if you don't! :)

as for me, i'm feeling a little better, but i'm really eager to get into therapy this saturday. i'm starting to realize that what we're doing now is making me absolutely miserable and i don't think that's right. i've ALWAYS stuck to my meal/exercise plans and i've kept my chin up, but lately, i really can't take it anymore. i simply cannot eat this much and not exercise at all. it's hurting my body, it's hurting my mind and emotions and if anything, i'm MORE obsessed with food because i'm constantly trying to fit it all in. how is this helping? i don't want to start on another rant, but i feel very strongly that something's gotta change. i don't deserve to be forced to feel (both physically AND mentally) like this, you know?

i tried to find some solace in what you all said to me about freedom in eating, choosing higher calorie foods, etc., but honestly, i feel like it's not that simple. first of all, i already eat a TON of high calorie/high fat/"junk" foods. i eat them very often and without hesitation because it makes it MUCH easier to get the calories in. does my health and energy level suffer from this? yeah, i think so, but there's really no other way, you know? i often feel sluggish, bloated, etc. and i'm willing to bet its from a lot of the "junk" i eat, but it's either that or deal with being even MORE stuffed throughout the day. i guess i'd rather feel sh**ty every day, you know? and in terms of being able to go out and eat a big double cheeseburger and fries cuz i know i can and not worrying about it? again, i don't feel like it's that black and white. i can and do eat those high calorie meals, BUT i still have to keep track of the total calories, because we've got me on SUCH a high calorie diet, that those meals STILL don't add up to enough and i always have to add a couple hundred calories through a snack or whatever. so i can't just eat and enjoy anything any more. does that make sense? plus, Ed chimes in with something like this: "you're already eating 3500+ calories EVERY single day, (fat pig). do you REALLY want to eat more than that EVER?!?!" so i guess because i'm eating SO much every day and i feel that it's so abnormal, i am wary of ever eating MORE than that, you know? like if i was learning to eat a somewhat more "normal" diet and there were big cookies in the office (like there were yesterday), i would have one if i wanted it. because in my brain, normal people eating normal quantities of food every day eat a cookie if they want one. however, because i'm eating an OBSCENE amount of food everyday i figure, "why the he** would i want to add another 250ish calories to that?!? do i really want to eat close to 4000 calories today??? i'm not hungry (never am anymore) and i know that i'm gonna have to eat a snack, dinner, pop-tarts, a muffin, chocolate milk and dessert before i can actually go to sleep, so do i REALLY want to eat any more than that and make myself MORE full and make myself get to bed even LATER???" and the answer is always no. that's how it goes with everything! i can't just eat an "indulgence" because my whole friggin' day is an indulgence! i eat SO much that there's no room for me to live anymore. my entire life is food and i am SO sick of it.

anyway, that's my rant. i'm hoping my appointment this saturday will help cuz i really can't do this anymore. i've gained two pounds this week, but it's my pre-period week, so i'm hoping she'll still count it as weight gain and get me off this idiot diet. we'll see!

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