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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

Happy First Day of Spring to you too! (although you'd never know it up here -- it's freezing and gray and windy, ugh!)

i completely understand what you were saying about wanting to avoid that horrible feeling associated with a binge. it's physically and mentally one of the worst feelings i've ever experienced, you know? it's what still stops me today with things like the cookie dough, taking one taste of someone else's food, eating 1 jelly bean out of a bowl. i KNOW what i do is kind of extreme and VERY strict, but i feel that it's right for me right now. if i want 1 jelly bean, i have a small handful/a serving. i just don't yet trust myself to just have one, i guess. i'm sure i could do it, but i'm not yet ready to risk it. i think it'll come with time, you know? oh and no, i never purged. i'd "sleep it off," so to speak. i DID continue running my 5 days a week religiously (some MAJOR side-cramps, tummy aches, having to go #2 really bad mid-run from that!), which i know is a form of purging. but no, i never made myself throw up. i tried a couple times just cuz i felt SO sick like i couldn't breathe, hot, dizzy, in pain, but i could never do it. that's something i thank God for often actually (or at least i used to when i was in the midst of it). i am SO grateful that i could never make myself throw up, cuz that would've been just one more demon to fight, you know?

i'm glad you and your nutritionist came to that realization about your breakfast and lunch meals. you don't eat NEARLY enough during the day, that's what we've been saying all along! so i'm glad you're gonna start finally eating real meals and snacks during the day. you'll feel MUCH better, i guarantee. don't let that make ED want you to skimp on dinner though, k? you're dinners are average/average-small sized usually, so you really shouldn't start eating really light for dinner now, okay? also, if the picking at stuff makes you nervous (for reasons stated above!), then just make a plan. "for dessert, i'm having hot cocoa and a special dark bar." then just stick to it. if you planned something too skimpy and you feel deprived, note that and plan something better tomorrow, you know? also, in terms of getting nervous because you feel you could eat chocolate nonstop, think about it this way: has that actually ever happened? when you allow yourself a good sized portion of something good (ie: not light/fat-free/diet), of course you'll still want a little more (it's chocolate, honey! we all want more!!). but if you wait 5 minutes, you'll realize you're satisfied and you won't be at risk of eating 5 king size candy bars, i guarantee it. so enjoy and try not to worry so much.

the elliptical? not sure, never used one really (maybe a couple times at the college gym, but that was a while ago). but i'm pretty sure they are a REALLY good workout. just think how many people use them as their primary form of cardio! regardless, this is my advice: do your normal workout time and NOT the 15 minutes extra. you know why? cuz it's ED telling you it's not a good enough workout, it's not you. ED wants you to think you need to do a little more, and as usual, he's being a moron and he's wrong. it reminds me of the way ED often tells me to second guess the calories marked on certain food packages. he tells me that they're wrong and that i can't necessarily trust that brand and i've really gotta fight that voice. anyway, you should do your regular time and no more, k? weren't you doing 30 minutes already anyway? that's PLENTLY for someone attempting to recover from an ED and gain weight. 45 minutes is way too much.

anyway, have a happy day! hope it's brighter and warmer where you all are!

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