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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hi Joni!!
Yay, I'm so glad you're back! I don't know why you couldn't post last week, but maybe you got kicked off for being too level-headed. JK. That was a really lame joke.

Anyway, the dichotomy you pointed out in my thinking is really true, but that is honestly how I FELT. After brunch I felt full and satisfied and sort of bad that I ate that entire thing and wasn't completely overstuffed. I mean, it was bread, eggs, avocado, goat cheese - high cal/fat things - and I figured I should be keeling over. I didn't eat any hollandaise, PS. But anyway, by the time 8 o'clock rolled around, my stomach was not growling, I was not craving anything (which I usually am b/c I've restricted during the day and am famished) and I think the fact that I didn't feel that way scared me. I am so used to be DYING for something that I couldn't believe I wasn't, and so I assumed I wasn't really hungry. If I wasn't craving chinese food, macaroni and cheese, a hamburger, or anything high calorie, why even waste my time on it? Vegetables and cottage cheese was the only thing that even appealed to me. I felt repulsed by everything else (which could have been created in my mind). What do you do in situations like that? Because it's different when you really WANT that chocolate cake and think "wow, I can and should eat it, so I will!" than when you just truly want something like steamed vegetables, but you know you should have something like pizza. It's the opposite of what is SUPPOSED to be happening, you know? Most people want pizza and make themselves eat salads, but how do you do the opposite? It makes me feel sick to even think about it.

About your pork sandwich and fries - WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL job! Do you realize that everything you said about the "dainty-eating" woman is exactly true and you completely defied her!? Women CAN eat more than men, women CAN eat whatever they want, and all those ideas about women being smaller, less hungry, lighter, etc than men are BS!! Do you know how many men I am bigger than? A LOT. I am 6' for gosh sake and proud of it! Yeah, your bf is 6'5", but he is not trying to gain weight and his metabolism is normal for him right now. Every single thing you do affects your weight and your metabolism and EVERYONE is completely different.
I think most of the girls I know would not say that they don't like IN-N-OUT burger, that they don't like ice cream, that they hate chocolate, and that they only eat salads. That is not true!! And you know what else will make you feel better? I read an article the other day about celebrities and how it seems sort of fishy that they all say "I don't diet and I hate exercise - I'm naturally this thin!" and, as it turns out, they are LYING! I think it was Elizabeth Hurley who actually admitted the truth and said "the night before a shoot I go to bed hungry and sad. It's miserable." Doesn't that make you feel a lot better!?!? They WANT to eat, they WANT to be normal, just like we do, but they can't and they are sad b/c of it. But we have a choice (mainly b/c we don't have a $10000000 contract forcing us to stay thin), but also b/c we are more intelligent and more realistic than that. If we go out and want to eat a big pork sandwich AND all the fries, then so be it! You are not going to look like a pig by doing that (I always clear my plate) and you are not going to BECOME a pig by doing that! If nothing else, it will make you look stronger and more secure, which is so attractive and most other women are envious of.

Wow -that was longwinded. I hope everything I said made sense (it was sort of just a stream of consciousness). But I fully believe everything I said is true and the next thing I need to do is implement it in my OWN thinking. Going out to dinner with my dad and my brothers and I eat more fries than them and my ENTIRE burger? Is that ok?? OF COURSE! And it happens!!!
You have to take each day as a separate entity and do not let this incident with the pork sandwich affect how you do at the restaurant next time. Order what you want and don't think "well, I had that pork sandwich last time" or "maybe I should only eat half of my meal this time" because that will not help you in the long run and it doesn't matter at all!
I noticed the other week how different my thinking is from normal people. I went out for a friends bday and we had carrot cake. After dinner EVERYONE was picking at it and just kept eating "one more bite" and licking "one more piece of frosting" and by the end, the cake was almost gone! Everyone was stuffed (except me, of course, b/c I only ate one bite), but the next day that feeling passed and they ate normally (we went out to bfst) where I would have been compensating the next day and thinking I could only eat this this or this for breakfast. Feelings PASS for most people, but they hang around for weeks with me. That is where I go wrong...ya know? I keep thinking "well, I had that cookie last week, better skip the brownie today" but that is not normal! And I really want to BE normal!!!

It's so frustrating b/c I can say all this (and mean it) but it's so hard to put into practice. That's the only reason I was thinking about the outpatient thing...but now I"m not so sure I could even do that...

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just want to say one more thing: Hi to everyone else and I hope everything is going well.
Dawg, KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK, and give me any other pieces of advice you learn at the clinic - it really helps to hear it.

Talk to ya'll soon! (There's MY southern twang)
honey, i'm so sorry. i didn't know you were having such a rough time at home and i wish there was something i could do to help. i'm pretty sure that added stress is contributing to the way you feel lately, but i don't really know the best way to deal with it, you know? definitely talk through it with your therapist, because i'm sure it's affecting your ed a lot. and try to find a way to escape it if you can. i think you need to look for a way to relax and get inside yourself and escape, so to speak, when things get stressful or you get stressed out. (i sort of feel like i'm talking out of my a$$, cuz i don't really know exactly how you'd do that stuff. your therapist will probably more helpful in making more clear suggestions.) i guess what i'm saying is that you need a way to COPE without ed. sound familiar? try to look at each day/moment/meal/emotion objectively and see that Ed is your coping mechanism for all those situations. you don't feel confused about your life, you feel fat. you get stressed out, you don't eat, etc. does this sound like it might be what's happening? (again, i'm just sort of thinking as i type, so i'm not sure if this is really relevant)

regardless, hon, something's gotta change. you're eating less and less and feeling worse and worse about it. i know you don't believe that that's true, but have you been keeping a food journal? if so, look back over it for about the past month and i'm sure you'll see your intake gradually declining. (i'm sure girly, dawg and natalie can back me up on this one too) this really isn't good and it isn't gonna help you get better. in fact, i think it's slowing down your recovery significantly. i know i've said this 10 million times before, but this time, i REALLY want you to take it to heart. you have to talk to your nutritionist and get a more concrete meal plan. it's your only hope of recovery at this point. it needs to be specific, timed out and you HAVE TO stick to it. you cannot even eat one meal in a day that un-eating disordered people would consider "normal," do you realize that? the inside of a sandwich without bread? a small piece of a luna bar? (what, did the other half get up and run away?) a baked potato with FAT FREE cheese and SPRAY butter and nothing else for dinner when you've starved yourself all day??? this is horrible!!! i don't want to go on picking your day apart, but i want you to realize how "un-normal" this is, okay? it isn't healthy AT ALL and your body is continuing to suffer. so please get that meal plan. if you can't bring yourself to do that, then (and i feel bad saying this, cuz i know what my reaction would be) i really think you need more intensive treatment. until you can get yourself eating more normally and healthily, you will NEVER recover. and i think these past few months have proven that you CAN'T eat more normally. so prove me wrong and get the meal plan, or else, look into that outpatient program, k? i really think it would help.
hey ladies! natalie, i don't know what i think. ls, i think you KNOW that you aren't eating anywhere near 2000 calories a day, right? (i don't remember that post, so i can't comment on it too directly.) but i DO think that you think you're eating MUCH more than you actually are. natalie is 100% right when she says you're progressively eating less and less. i know that it doesn't feel that way, but i really is what's happening. and i CAN understand about being indecisive about whether or not you actually want to gain weight. heck, i feel the same way! like you, i don't usually think that i look too skinny; therefore, i don't fully agree with the fact that i need to gain. BUT deep down, my logical/Joanna brain KNOWS i'm too skinny and knows i need to weigh more than this. It's stupid ol' Ed that doesn't want to gain. i see it as the ultimate battle between me and Ed, you know? anyway, i guess i don't really have a gut reaction (other than, "you are still eating WAY too little!") because i feel very similar to you and your situation.

but i have "resigned" (and that really is how i see it) to the fact that i need to gain weight or i won't get better. it doesn't make me want to gain weight anymore (i'm not like excited about it or anything!), BUT i am determined to make it happen, despite Ed's voice telling me why i shouldn't have to. (and believe me, he's got a LOT of reasons why i should stay at this weight. i struggle with it everyday, especially because i'm having SUCH a hard time gaining. Ed uses that as concrete proof that i'm at "the weight my body wants to be at," you know?) anyway, that's where i see the main difference between us, i guess.

and speaking of similarities and differences, i almost laughed out loud when i read your post because you and i have WAY too much in common! first of all, i work in advertising! (did you know that?) so i totally know DDB! i'm actually contemplating looking for a new job and trying to decide whether i feel like working in an agency. that's how it is -- low pay and LONG hours. BUT, the positive side is that you can move up relatively quickly and eventually earn a LOT of money, you know? i've heard it's pretty grueling though (but i don't know a ton, so don't turn it down cuz of me!). anyway, it'd be AWESOME if you got the job ... you'll have to let me know what happens. (p.s. - there are a TON of ad agencies (including DDB, i believe) in chicago, so i don't know if you're just looking on the west coast or if you're looking country-wide, but if you want to work in advertising, chicago is a GREAT city for it. plus, you could live by me! hurrah!)

part two that made me giggle at your post: i LOVE LOVE LOVE those reese's eggs too! seriously, if i could only pick one candy for the rest of my life, it'd probably be those (or any of the varieties they come in depending on the holiday. hershey's keeps us well stocked!) my bf and i are TOTALLY addicted to them cuz they're so lusciously good. i actually gave up chocolate for lent, so i'm SUPER excited about tomorrow's chocolate indulgence (i actually bought two of them to eat for that day!)

so everyone, relax and be merry and have a WONDERFUL easter holiday! enjoy that candy (but not too much, no binging!) and more than that, let's all focus on our family and friends more than our food. happy easter!!

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