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Hi Joni!!
Yay, I'm so glad you're back! I don't know why you couldn't post last week, but maybe you got kicked off for being too level-headed. JK. That was a really lame joke.

Anyway, the dichotomy you pointed out in my thinking is really true, but that is honestly how I FELT. After brunch I felt full and satisfied and sort of bad that I ate that entire thing and wasn't completely overstuffed. I mean, it was bread, eggs, avocado, goat cheese - high cal/fat things - and I figured I should be keeling over. I didn't eat any hollandaise, PS. But anyway, by the time 8 o'clock rolled around, my stomach was not growling, I was not craving anything (which I usually am b/c I've restricted during the day and am famished) and I think the fact that I didn't feel that way scared me. I am so used to be DYING for something that I couldn't believe I wasn't, and so I assumed I wasn't really hungry. If I wasn't craving chinese food, macaroni and cheese, a hamburger, or anything high calorie, why even waste my time on it? Vegetables and cottage cheese was the only thing that even appealed to me. I felt repulsed by everything else (which could have been created in my mind). What do you do in situations like that? Because it's different when you really WANT that chocolate cake and think "wow, I can and should eat it, so I will!" than when you just truly want something like steamed vegetables, but you know you should have something like pizza. It's the opposite of what is SUPPOSED to be happening, you know? Most people want pizza and make themselves eat salads, but how do you do the opposite? It makes me feel sick to even think about it.

About your pork sandwich and fries - WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL job! Do you realize that everything you said about the "dainty-eating" woman is exactly true and you completely defied her!? Women CAN eat more than men, women CAN eat whatever they want, and all those ideas about women being smaller, less hungry, lighter, etc than men are BS!! Do you know how many men I am bigger than? A LOT. I am 6' for gosh sake and proud of it! Yeah, your bf is 6'5", but he is not trying to gain weight and his metabolism is normal for him right now. Every single thing you do affects your weight and your metabolism and EVERYONE is completely different.
I think most of the girls I know would not say that they don't like IN-N-OUT burger, that they don't like ice cream, that they hate chocolate, and that they only eat salads. That is not true!! And you know what else will make you feel better? I read an article the other day about celebrities and how it seems sort of fishy that they all say "I don't diet and I hate exercise - I'm naturally this thin!" and, as it turns out, they are LYING! I think it was Elizabeth Hurley who actually admitted the truth and said "the night before a shoot I go to bed hungry and sad. It's miserable." Doesn't that make you feel a lot better!?!? They WANT to eat, they WANT to be normal, just like we do, but they can't and they are sad b/c of it. But we have a choice (mainly b/c we don't have a $10000000 contract forcing us to stay thin), but also b/c we are more intelligent and more realistic than that. If we go out and want to eat a big pork sandwich AND all the fries, then so be it! You are not going to look like a pig by doing that (I always clear my plate) and you are not going to BECOME a pig by doing that! If nothing else, it will make you look stronger and more secure, which is so attractive and most other women are envious of.

Wow -that was longwinded. I hope everything I said made sense (it was sort of just a stream of consciousness). But I fully believe everything I said is true and the next thing I need to do is implement it in my OWN thinking. Going out to dinner with my dad and my brothers and I eat more fries than them and my ENTIRE burger? Is that ok?? OF COURSE! And it happens!!!
You have to take each day as a separate entity and do not let this incident with the pork sandwich affect how you do at the restaurant next time. Order what you want and don't think "well, I had that pork sandwich last time" or "maybe I should only eat half of my meal this time" because that will not help you in the long run and it doesn't matter at all!
I noticed the other week how different my thinking is from normal people. I went out for a friends bday and we had carrot cake. After dinner EVERYONE was picking at it and just kept eating "one more bite" and licking "one more piece of frosting" and by the end, the cake was almost gone! Everyone was stuffed (except me, of course, b/c I only ate one bite), but the next day that feeling passed and they ate normally (we went out to bfst) where I would have been compensating the next day and thinking I could only eat this this or this for breakfast. Feelings PASS for most people, but they hang around for weeks with me. That is where I go wrong...ya know? I keep thinking "well, I had that cookie last week, better skip the brownie today" but that is not normal! And I really want to BE normal!!!

It's so frustrating b/c I can say all this (and mean it) but it's so hard to put into practice. That's the only reason I was thinking about the outpatient thing...but now I"m not so sure I could even do that...

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just want to say one more thing: Hi to everyone else and I hope everything is going well.
Dawg, KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK, and give me any other pieces of advice you learn at the clinic - it really helps to hear it.

Talk to ya'll soon! (There's MY southern twang)

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