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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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hey girls,

sorry i haven't been around. for some reason i couldn't post anymore! so i had to re-register (note the "4" in my name) and set up a new (fake) hotmail account so i could complete the registration, ugh! what a pain in the butt! do any of you know what to do in that situation? i don't think i was banned (at least, i sure hope not!), but since i couldn't post anything, i couldn't even email the moderator to ask what was going on. sigh ... i've been reading away though and i've missed you all!

ls, first of all, i can TOTALLY relate to you comparing what you eat to other people. i do that all the time and when i eat more than others, i feel pretty crappy about myself. i don't know much how to deal with it except just keep toughing it out. because of my meal plan/calories/etc., i sometimes eat more than my bf - who's 6'5," naturally skinny, has a HUGE HUGE HUGE appetite and can eat ANYTHING - for dinner. do you know how shi**y that makes me feel about myself!?!? he's MALE and eats a TON and sometimes i have to eat more than him. Ed starts screaming at me what a fatty i've become in that situation.

but i have learned to just deal with it to an extent. i think that we, as women in general, have developed this STUPID idea that females should eat light/diet foods, lots of salads (which we eat daintily of course!), with condiments/sauces on the side, NEVER eat all of the food on our plates, order desserts only to share and take one or two bites tops, never admit that we are hungry, always be able to just go along, FLOATING through the air, never needing proper sustanance and always looking SKINNY. who does that?!?! i mean, i know there are women who do, but i'm tired of wanting to be that way! i'm tired of the guilt if i eat EVERYTHING on my plate at a restaurant. i'm NOT a pig and i'm tired of feeling like one! last week i ate an entire (big) BBQ pork sandwich (and some fries) from a restaurant and CRIED afterwards because i felt like such a fatso. because i have this IDIOTIC idea that women should NEVER finish everything they're served at a restaurant because restaurant portions are SO huge. i cried about this for Godsakes! that isn't right! i was NOT overly full, i enjoyed my sandwich (until i realized i was gonna finish it that is), why should i feel bad??? because of ed, that's why. stupid Ed, who makes me think i'm a huge insatisfyable PIG because i eat a friggin' sandwich. i don't want to be this way anymore!!! i want to be the girl who goes out for a burger and fries and a milkshake and LOVES every minute of it. i don't want to be Miss "i'll order that on the side and only eat half my meal." she sucks!

anyway, i think i digressed significantly, but basically, i'm right there with ya. that's why i think we gotta just keep challenging the "women eat light" mentality and struggling to feel GOOD about our food choices, whatever they are. we are TALL, we need to eat! so anyway, just keep fighting i guess.

something else you said from yesterday worries me, though. let me quote it in here so you can see the dichotomy in your thinking, okay? "I ate the entire thing (except the potatoes) and was not even stuffed afterwards (which I found kind of odd)." Then you said, "I just felt SO full and big from that brunch that I only felt like vegetables and cottage cheese for dinner." So what happened there??? You admit that you weren't stuffed at 1:30, but somehow by 7 pm you were SO STUFFED that you couldn't imagine eating dinner? ls, ls, ls. it doesn't work that way, honey. you CANNOT compensate because you feel like you ate a big meal! first of all, what you ate was NOT NOT NOT big! it was probably 600 calories TOPS (maybe 700 if you went hog-wild on the hollandaise, which i'm assuming you didn't). AND it was the ONLY meal you had because you didn't have a breakfast AND a lunch. you CANNOT do things like this! maybe looking into an outpatient thing might be a good idea. you're REALLY locked into "safe" foods, and although you eat out a lot (which is great), you SUPER compensate when you're at home to make up for it. plus, it sounds like Ed's voice is kind of in control lately, you know? if you honestly were SO FULL at dinner, then how could you eat a "huge thing" of steamed vegetables, huh? two slices of frozen pizza would have been less filling then all those veggies, but you and i both know that it wasn't truly about being too full to eat dinner. it was about calories. you can fill up (because i'm sure you WERE hungry) on steamed veggies for VERY few calories so you chose those, right? if you were a non-eating disordered person who honestly wasn't hungry (which i don't believe you were), you would've chosen something small-ish for dinner, you wouldn't have chosen something based on it's low-calorie-ness, you know? anyway, let me know what you think. i don't want to berate you about all of this, but i just want you to notice these actions. you gotta fight Ed (mainly because he's an IDIOT), you know?

dawg, hi honey! this is turning into a record-setting Jonistyle novel, so i'm gonna try to cut it off soon, but i'm SO SO SO glad you're enjoying outpatient. it makes me so happy that it's all worked out and that you're really finding the value in it, you know? i'm glad some of the bloating/fullness is getting better (told you so, lol!), and be confident, it's all uphill from here!

in response to your question about the lady who said you look great at your current size, i'm with the natalie and ls in saying that you MUST put it out of your mind. Ed LOVES those comments, but dawg has to learn to HATE them. like ls (it's the height thing!), i get told i should be a model 4-7 times a week, EVERY week. sometimes more than once in a day! but you don't think i should stay at this weight, do you??? i've actually started cringing when people say this to me (or other things like, how lucky i am, how great i look, etc.) and this is why: people think i look FANTASTIC, but that's for two reasons (neither of which are good) 1. they assume i'm naturally like this, which obviously, i'm not. like ls and natalie said, they don't know we have ed's. and if they DID, all of the sudden they'd realize how unhealthy we look, which brings me to ... 2. (and this is the one i think is most important) our society has come to idolize the severly underweight woman. it is the IDEAL body shape - the one you see in movies, ads, on the runways. we are bombarded daily with thousands of images/words/etc. saying "women, you should be super skinny. bones showing are great. fat is terrible. muscle is good, but only if it's lean and smooth. boobs, hips, butts -- all of these are BAD. stick skinny is good and nothing else is acceptable." women without ed's even struggle to achieve this body shape, you know? it's sick, really. so when ordinary people see women (like us) who appear to NATURALLY be "the way society says we should be," they're like "wow! she's perfect!" but that "perfect" is really all the things i said above. "perfect" for society is SICKLY UNNATURALLY THIN. and the women are usually a little bit jealous (as women tend to be) or curious and i think that's why they can't help but comment a little.

i hope i made the point i was trying to make (i think i'm suffering from too much typing induced morning tiredness!) natalie, i got nothin' for you except a big HELLO! i could use a little advice from ya'll (dawg, ya' like that?) on my crying episode over the BBQ pork/ i-ate-the-whole-thing dinner last week. i'm going out to eat again tomorrow (weekly assignment - no calorie counting allowed for that one out to eat a week) and i'd REALLY like it to go better. how can i tell myself that it's OKAY to eat it all/eat a little too many calories/etc?? anyway, have a great day girls and i'll talk to you soon.

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