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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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hey girls,

sorry i haven't been around. for some reason i couldn't post anymore! so i had to re-register (note the "4" in my name) and set up a new (fake) hotmail account so i could complete the registration, ugh! what a pain in the butt! do any of you know what to do in that situation? i don't think i was banned (at least, i sure hope not!), but since i couldn't post anything, i couldn't even email the moderator to ask what was going on. sigh ... i've been reading away though and i've missed you all!

ls, first of all, i can TOTALLY relate to you comparing what you eat to other people. i do that all the time and when i eat more than others, i feel pretty crappy about myself. i don't know much how to deal with it except just keep toughing it out. because of my meal plan/calories/etc., i sometimes eat more than my bf - who's 6'5," naturally skinny, has a HUGE HUGE HUGE appetite and can eat ANYTHING - for dinner. do you know how shi**y that makes me feel about myself!?!? he's MALE and eats a TON and sometimes i have to eat more than him. Ed starts screaming at me what a fatty i've become in that situation.

but i have learned to just deal with it to an extent. i think that we, as women in general, have developed this STUPID idea that females should eat light/diet foods, lots of salads (which we eat daintily of course!), with condiments/sauces on the side, NEVER eat all of the food on our plates, order desserts only to share and take one or two bites tops, never admit that we are hungry, always be able to just go along, FLOATING through the air, never needing proper sustanance and always looking SKINNY. who does that?!?! i mean, i know there are women who do, but i'm tired of wanting to be that way! i'm tired of the guilt if i eat EVERYTHING on my plate at a restaurant. i'm NOT a pig and i'm tired of feeling like one! last week i ate an entire (big) BBQ pork sandwich (and some fries) from a restaurant and CRIED afterwards because i felt like such a fatso. because i have this IDIOTIC idea that women should NEVER finish everything they're served at a restaurant because restaurant portions are SO huge. i cried about this for Godsakes! that isn't right! i was NOT overly full, i enjoyed my sandwich (until i realized i was gonna finish it that is), why should i feel bad??? because of ed, that's why. stupid Ed, who makes me think i'm a huge insatisfyable PIG because i eat a friggin' sandwich. i don't want to be this way anymore!!! i want to be the girl who goes out for a burger and fries and a milkshake and LOVES every minute of it. i don't want to be Miss "i'll order that on the side and only eat half my meal." she sucks!

anyway, i think i digressed significantly, but basically, i'm right there with ya. that's why i think we gotta just keep challenging the "women eat light" mentality and struggling to feel GOOD about our food choices, whatever they are. we are TALL, we need to eat! so anyway, just keep fighting i guess.

something else you said from yesterday worries me, though. let me quote it in here so you can see the dichotomy in your thinking, okay? "I ate the entire thing (except the potatoes) and was not even stuffed afterwards (which I found kind of odd)." Then you said, "I just felt SO full and big from that brunch that I only felt like vegetables and cottage cheese for dinner." So what happened there??? You admit that you weren't stuffed at 1:30, but somehow by 7 pm you were SO STUFFED that you couldn't imagine eating dinner? ls, ls, ls. it doesn't work that way, honey. you CANNOT compensate because you feel like you ate a big meal! first of all, what you ate was NOT NOT NOT big! it was probably 600 calories TOPS (maybe 700 if you went hog-wild on the hollandaise, which i'm assuming you didn't). AND it was the ONLY meal you had because you didn't have a breakfast AND a lunch. you CANNOT do things like this! maybe looking into an outpatient thing might be a good idea. you're REALLY locked into "safe" foods, and although you eat out a lot (which is great), you SUPER compensate when you're at home to make up for it. plus, it sounds like Ed's voice is kind of in control lately, you know? if you honestly were SO FULL at dinner, then how could you eat a "huge thing" of steamed vegetables, huh? two slices of frozen pizza would have been less filling then all those veggies, but you and i both know that it wasn't truly about being too full to eat dinner. it was about calories. you can fill up (because i'm sure you WERE hungry) on steamed veggies for VERY few calories so you chose those, right? if you were a non-eating disordered person who honestly wasn't hungry (which i don't believe you were), you would've chosen something small-ish for dinner, you wouldn't have chosen something based on it's low-calorie-ness, you know? anyway, let me know what you think. i don't want to berate you about all of this, but i just want you to notice these actions. you gotta fight Ed (mainly because he's an IDIOT), you know?

dawg, hi honey! this is turning into a record-setting Jonistyle novel, so i'm gonna try to cut it off soon, but i'm SO SO SO glad you're enjoying outpatient. it makes me so happy that it's all worked out and that you're really finding the value in it, you know? i'm glad some of the bloating/fullness is getting better (told you so, lol!), and be confident, it's all uphill from here!

in response to your question about the lady who said you look great at your current size, i'm with the natalie and ls in saying that you MUST put it out of your mind. Ed LOVES those comments, but dawg has to learn to HATE them. like ls (it's the height thing!), i get told i should be a model 4-7 times a week, EVERY week. sometimes more than once in a day! but you don't think i should stay at this weight, do you??? i've actually started cringing when people say this to me (or other things like, how lucky i am, how great i look, etc.) and this is why: people think i look FANTASTIC, but that's for two reasons (neither of which are good) 1. they assume i'm naturally like this, which obviously, i'm not. like ls and natalie said, they don't know we have ed's. and if they DID, all of the sudden they'd realize how unhealthy we look, which brings me to ... 2. (and this is the one i think is most important) our society has come to idolize the severly underweight woman. it is the IDEAL body shape - the one you see in movies, ads, on the runways. we are bombarded daily with thousands of images/words/etc. saying "women, you should be super skinny. bones showing are great. fat is terrible. muscle is good, but only if it's lean and smooth. boobs, hips, butts -- all of these are BAD. stick skinny is good and nothing else is acceptable." women without ed's even struggle to achieve this body shape, you know? it's sick, really. so when ordinary people see women (like us) who appear to NATURALLY be "the way society says we should be," they're like "wow! she's perfect!" but that "perfect" is really all the things i said above. "perfect" for society is SICKLY UNNATURALLY THIN. and the women are usually a little bit jealous (as women tend to be) or curious and i think that's why they can't help but comment a little.

i hope i made the point i was trying to make (i think i'm suffering from too much typing induced morning tiredness!) natalie, i got nothin' for you except a big HELLO! i could use a little advice from ya'll (dawg, ya' like that?) on my crying episode over the BBQ pork/ i-ate-the-whole-thing dinner last week. i'm going out to eat again tomorrow (weekly assignment - no calorie counting allowed for that one out to eat a week) and i'd REALLY like it to go better. how can i tell myself that it's OKAY to eat it all/eat a little too many calories/etc?? anyway, have a great day girls and i'll talk to you soon.
hi! i don't really have a lot to say, but i just wanted to check in. ls, i'm sorry it's so rough right now, but like natalie and girly, i'm very concerned. i've been worried about the care that your nutritionist is giving from the beginning (hence my harping on a concrete meal plan every other post) and now i don't know what i think of the treatment your therapist is giving you. obviously i don't know all the details, so i really don't feel justified in judging your therapist, but i'll just give you my gut reaction. i DO actually understand what she's saying about the outpatient program. i'm not saying i agree or disagree, i'm just saying i understand why she might be hesitant. my therapist has said the same thing to me, basically that out- or inpatient treatment really is not necessary for my recovery. NOW, that being said, i think that there is a crucial difference between you and me in terms of "following a plan" outside of a more intensive program. i am FULLY willing to eat however much she asks me to (no matter what, you know that) and cut out as much exercise as she wants me to at any given time. i really don't see that with how your therapy has been going. so i guess that's where i'm torn. i can relate to you in that my therapist also told me that outpatient was totally unnecessary, BUT i don't know if that's really the case for you because you have a REALLY hard time eating anywhere near enough calories, you know? i guess i don't really know what i'm saying except that i too wonder if this therapist is pushing you hard enough. maybe outpatient isn't necessary, but a therapist who is gonna help SHOVE (not gently prod) you along to recovery IS necessary. it seems to me that she doesn't really seem to be pushing you at all, you know? just think, what in your habits and mentality has CHANGED since you began therapy? maybe try making a list. it doesn't seem (at least to me) like much has changed, and maybe that's a sign that this therapist isn't working out the best. (for the record, just thinking about it now, i feel like i could write a one or two-page list of things that have changed. i really think that's an important sign of progress.)

my therapist has basically flat out told me that her goal right now is to make me as nervous and anxious as possible (with the restaurants, no exercise and high calories) without having me break down completely. and that's a TOUGH way to exist everyday, let me tell you, but i DO think it's working. i see it as this, i guess: "the only way to beat these comfortable ED habits is to absolutely FORCE myself (to my own discomfort and anxiety) to go against them routinely and often until they start to fade." it feels like kind of a "tough love" sort of thing, but i REALLY think it's working. like for example, i get really nervous about scooping myself ice cream for dessert because it was one of my MAJOR binge foods (you know, "just one little spoonful more" until i'd be scarfing the entire carton with an ice cream headache to boot). anyway, i'm sick of only eating ice cream once or twice a week for dessert because ED makes me so nervous about just scooping it. (obviously i like cookies and stuff too, but i'm sick of choosing those over ice cream just cuz it's less stressful to count out 6 cookies than it is to estimate approximately 1 cup of ice cream, you know?) anyway, i got real sick of this crap and have been choosing ice cream over other desserts probably 4 or 5 times a week now. the first couple times i kept pulling out measuring cups, freaking out that i took too much/too little, etc., but now i'm doing much better. no more measuring, less freaking out; basically, it's becoming comfortable and NORMAL for me to scoop ice cream for dessert again. but i honestly think it's only working that way because i FORCED myself to keep doing it over and over and over despite all my anxiety and Ed's screaming voice in my ear, you know?

anyway, i know that sounds rather trivial (where did that sentence come from, lol?!?), but i think it illustrates the point that in recovery, we MUST be pushed very, very, VERY hard, because our natural tendency will ALWAYS be to go back to ED (especially in the beginning of recovery). but the more we are FORCED to do things that make us VERY uncomfortable/nervous/full/angry/sick-feeling/anxious/sad, the easier those things will become and the farther away we will move from Ed. and then we'll start being able to seperate from him and challenge him on our own, you know? (that's how i think of the ice cream thing, i guess) but in the beginning, we NEED that strong support and direction. and i REALLY worry that your current therapist and nutritionist aren't giving it to you. would you consider looking for a new therapist? i know you like this one, but i just worry that she's not helping you as much as you deserved to be helped (and you DO deserve it, lady!)

okay, so apparently my not having "much to say" has turned into a regular novel (we should publish this stuff and make some money, lol! we can call it "the debate fought from both sides: do i or do i not want to leave "Ed" and how do i do it? Contemplations on recovery from an eating disorder.") anyway, a couple more quick things. in terms of feeling weak after your meeting, YES YES YES, you were hungry!!! you didn't feel it (in terms of tummy growling, etc.) because your body can no longer properly recognize the signals of hunger and fullness, but you were DEFINITELY hungry. your blood sugar had dropped from not eating enough and that's why you felt tired, weak and headache-y. i've said it before and i'm willing to keep saying it until something changes: THIS is why you need a meal plan! even if you don't want to look for a new therapist, you HAVE TO look for a new nutritionist. any nutritionist who will let someone recovering from an ed eat the way that you do sucks frankly. so please, please, PLEASE at least get a new one of those, okay?

also, with the mexican guy thing, i know, it's so frustrating! on one hand, you HATE those comments, but on the other, you sort of love them (or i should say, Ed loves them). i guess just keep using your "rational brain" to argue with the side of you that thinks the mexican man was right and you don't really need to gain weight. also, just page back and read all our responses to dawg with her incident. it is hard though, so i totally feel you on that one.

anyway, have a good day and a VERY happy easter if i don't talk to you before then (that goes for all of you girls!!!). also, how was the interview? what type of job was it for?

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