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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Joni, it sounds like you have a really great relationship with your mom. See, my mom and I definitely have our "issues" and I think my parents, in general, just like to assume that everything is ALWAYS going to be ok and I can take care of myself 100% of the time - which is typically true. But it's hard in this situation b/c it feels like they are almost ENCOURAGING my eating disorder. My mom told me today that I have a great body - like the models in the magazine, she said...and all I could think was, aren't you supposed to be telling me I'm TOO thin and THEY are too thin? My dad knows I've been running again, but doesn't even seem to care. He just shrugs it off. And I'm not saying I'm waiting for my parents to interject and make me change, but it would be nice for them to at least ask how things are going or encourage me a little bit to gain weight. I know they will always support me, but I don't feel it very much right now.

OK - so now for the nitty gritty. I feel kind of pathetic right now, to be brutally honest, because I just got back from the wedding (it's about 2:30am) and what do I do? I come on the boards to POST! That is just crazy. But I just felt like I had to get some stuff off of my chest.
Today during the day I went to the bridesmaid's luncheon (about 12 girls). They served bread with butter and different spreads to start, then everyone ordered a main. I was surprised -all of these girls are thin, and I think each one ate more than I did. It actually made me feel really great. Everyone was eating bread with butter, pate, olive oil etc. and most everyone got a pretty hefty main course. I got a shrimp salad with avocado (as a couple other people did) and the dressing on the side. I only ate a little of my piece of bread and I really think I probably ate almost the least of everyone there, which felt unusual for me. It made me realize how skimpy I can be sometimes. I have this preconceived notion that thin=obsessed with eating "healthy"=eating like me=not putting butter on your bread, etc etc. But you CAN eat normal foods and still be thin and you can butter your bread and be thin! Gosh - am I really just figuring this out?
The wedding was absolutely INCREDIBLE. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen -the ceremony was in old church ruins in Guatemala with 2000 candles lit everywhere and over 200,000 lillies - absolutely breathtaking. The reception was held right afterwards and that is where we had dinner, champagne, etc. The first course was a very small serving of raw tuna, which I ate, and the main dish was a filet mignon atop mashed potatoes and baby carrots. I ate about 1/2 the meat and all of the vegetables, but none of the potatoes. And I didn't eat the dessert. I also had about 2 glasses of wine and one cocktail. I definitely could have eaten more of my dinner b/c I was very hungry, but I just feel so overindulged out here and I haven't been exercising.

AND IRONICALLY, out of 300 guests at the wedding, I was seated next to a girl who I swear is anorexic. She literally did not eat ONE bite of her appetizer, main dish, or dessert. She would get up conveniently and leave her food so it would be taken away, or move things around on her plate. When I told her they accidentally took her steak away before she could eat it, she told me it's ok -she just wanted her dessert and ate it at another table. It's so obvious to me that she has an eating disorder and it just made me SO uncomfortable. But can you believe I was seated next o her of all people!? Really weird.

Anyway, the point of everything that I'm saying is this (actually there are a couple):
1. I was able to legitimately have fun, stay out late, and dance like crazy
2. I still feel like I am gaining weight even though I am not eating a huge amount
and
3. It is absolutely absurd that I am posting at 3am and worried about how much I ate when I'm at a wedding!

I was just getting ready for bed and I swear I notice my stomach is flabbier than when I first got here 3 days ago...but that is impossible, right!? Not exercising or doing yoga or anything for 5 days is NOT going to kill me, but ED is making me feel like the pounds are just piling on!

The worst part about it is there is a brunch tomorrow morning and I'll have to eat AGAIN. I just feel like instead of one fun event after the other it's one stressful eating event after the other - it is not supposed to be that way.

Sorry this post has been so long and incoherent. It's almost like a stream of consciousness.
Nonetheless, I had a wonderful time tonight and I'm glad I was able to let loose a little bit...Ed's been a little quieter in Guatemala. Maybe b/c he doesn't speak spanish - haha. JK - that was lame.

Anyway, I'll hear from ya'll soon, I'm sure. Give me your 2 cents.!!...

LS





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