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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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hey girls, thanks so much for your kind words. i love when you guys reassure me that it really IS all gonna work out and i'm not some freak who will never be able to eat "normally" and exercise "normally" without losing weight. i know it's true, but sometimes i just wonder how/when it's gonna happen!!

ls, how was the appointment? i hope she SERIOUSLY upped the amount of food you're supposed to be eating. OF COURSE you aren't having problems sticking to your meal plan -- it's practically nothing! she's making you eat probably the equivalent of like 200 calories more (tops) than you were before, so don't feel surprised at all that you aren't anxious about it (cuz there's nothing to be anxious about!) anyway, AGAIN your diet for today looked like the diet of someone trying to lose weight. i KNOW you don't believe this, but just trust me that it's true. you NEED more food, and if she isn't gonna make you eat it, then PLEASE get a new nutritionist, k?

dawg, it's interesting what you said about the issues underlying our eds, and i think that we all SHOULD talk more about it. i don't really know with mine, but i'll tell you a couple of things i do know. one, i always felt "big" growing up. i was always a head taller than the other kids and i was pretty chubby up until about 7th grade when i thinned out. but i never felt thin (even though i know now that 140 lbs at 6' is pretty darn "healthy" thin). i always felt just average, i guess; like i'd look better if i could just have the motivation to exercise, eat better and lose like 5 pounds. BUT, i was a VERY happy girl and chocolate cake ALWAYS won out over aerobics class, you know? i ate a lot, i ate whatever, and i was really happy and my happiness was NOT affected by my weight, except for the random "fat day," lol, but nothing serious (i'm talking high school through college now). i honestly don't know WHY my ed started when it did. i still always had the quest to drop that 5 pounds, and finally, something clicked. it was during one of the happiest times of my life -- great friends, great acting stuff going on, just started dating Eric -- and i decided that to increase the happiness, i was gonna start eating better/healthier and exercising 3 times a week. it started totally healthy and within a month, it was disordered. i still don't really get it. i went from ready to "be healthy" to obsessively counting fat grams, obsessively exercising, and anxiety-ridden about every little thing within weeks!

so that's that part and, like i said, i still don't really get it totally. the other thing that my therapist has said is that i do have a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. (i don't know if all girls with eds have this or if it's just some cases) anyway, she said that my OCD tendencies were already there inside me and they came out full-fledged "disordered" through ed. does that make sense? basically, i think it means that once it was "triggered," the disorder part kicked in, you know? i've always thought i had obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but it never seriously disrupted my life (until the ed, that is), so i never worried about it, you know? anyway, i think that's why ed caught on the way it did for me. maybe, i guess, i really don't know.

okay one more thing and i'm done (i promise). i have a wicked stepmother. i really do and we've indentified her and my relationship with her as precursers to the "perfectionism" that i so dutifully "perform" with daily. she was VERY mean to me and my younger brother when we were little. i don't want to list stories (cuz i get carried away and then i get pissed off that someone could treat two little kids like that), but basically she was bit**y, controlling, irrational, cruel, strict, etc. through therapy, we've kind of "figured out" that i developed the habits of being "perfect" to not to get into trouble. in other words, if i never "messed up," i could never get yelled at. if i was perfect at everything, then she could never put me down about anything, you know? so i began to try to appear perfect -- perfect cleanliness, perfect grades, perfect, perfect, perfect. anyway, i'm sure you can see the connection between "being perfect" and Ed, so i think that affected me greatly. the other thing is that the woman has food issues (she'll never admit it, but she does) and she had all these weirdo food "rules" when my brother and i were growing up. like having to use 1/2 a packet of plain oatmeal with the flavored packet so the plain one wouldn't go to waste. not using too much milk in cereal cuz it was wasteful. cleaning our plates fully. NEVER taking ANY food without asking first (which we often got a "no" to anyway). honestly, i was so TERRIFIED that she knew exactly how many oreos were left in the package that i never would of even dreamed of sneaking one. i know it doesn't seem like much, but she was really a food ****. if we broke ANY of those rules (or any of the MANY others), we'd get screamed at, you know?

so (in conclusion!!) i think somehow all of this trying to be perfect, trying not to "rock the boat," having a lot of this relate to food, never feeling good enough (cuz i felt like i never was in her eyes), always feeling "large" (by the way, she's about 5'4" and skinny, not naturally tall like me and my mom) and the OCD tendencies all somehow "joined forces" and produced this lovely form of anorexia i'm fighting now. obviously, i don't have it all sorted out (and sorry its SO long, but it felt good to think through it again), but i think it's all pertinent. also, don't think i had this terrible childhood; like i said, i was really happy and had a great time! i just had the evil witch to deal with. but i have a GREAT mom, who always told me how "beautiful" i was (my grandma did too. our family is big on being "ladylike" and "beautiful," lol, but in a "no pressure" sort of way ... basically, we're beautiful just because we exist!) anyway, i really did believe that i was "beautiful" all through childhood (and still do) honestly, and i TOTALLY credit that to my mom and grandma. anyway, i think i'm officially RAMBLING now, so i'll stop. i want to hear your guy's stories too! cheerio!!

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