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ls, thank you. i really needed that post from you. everything you said just made me feel better, even though it's just a little bit, i'm feeling more hopeful, so thank you. man, i wish we could meet too! i feel like we could really encourage each other in a "real life" way if we could actually hang out. it's frustrating that we can't, you know? anyway, i suppose it'd be an *expensive* flight anyway, lol!

i know that i have made a lot of progress and when you point it out like that, it makes me actually realize it. i DON'T obsess about certain foods as much as before, because i basically can and do eat everything i want to eat. sure, i get tired of certain foods (yes, even chocolate), but i think it's just sort of temporary since i'm eating SO much right now, you know? i still find myself planning meals and that sort of obsessiveness, but it's not as "crazy" and i do think it's sort of necessary, cuz if i don't plan in advance, no way would i actually be able to stick to the plan. so i guess i'm not as ideally "relaxed" about that part as i'd like to be, but i feel like it's more out of necessity (to make sure i get it all in) than out of disorderedness, do you know what i mean? and YES, it is exhausting! do i want to just eat like 1/2 of it or leave a couple things out on any given day? heck yeah, i want to do that like EVERY day! but for some reason, i just can't. i feel WAY too guilty about it or something (probably that "Miss Perfectionist" voice talking honestly). anyway though, it is hard and tiring, but i just stick to it no matter what. i don't know how to explain it other than that.

it was extremely comforting to hear what you said about the friend situation. honestly, i feel like a complete loser sometimes cuz i don't have ANY friends. who lives like that?!? but it's comforting to read that you think you could be in the same situation under these circumstances: it makes me feel less "loser-ish." i'm determined though. i am going to make friends! even if they aren't ultra-cool (like me, lol!), i just need SOME PEOPLE to hang out with, you know? volunteering is a perfect idea, i'm surprised at myself that i hadn't really considered that one. it'll keep me busier (but not too busy), i'll be doing "feel-good" things, AND i can meet people -- what's better than that??? and you might be right about the acting. i'm still on the fence about that one. i LOVE it and i know it makes me feel "creatively stimulated," which helps with lots of other stuff in my life, but the time constraint part is pretty tough. we'll see, i guess. i figure it'll take me awhile to get my monologues back in shape and there's only a certain number of auditions and there's no guarantee i'll get cast in anything anyway, you know? so maybe i'll just start out slowly and play it by feel. i think i'll KNOW if it's not feeling right, you know? but for the mean time, i'm focusing on volunteering and church stuff (i hope the people aren't religious-nerds, lol! i've never joined any church stuff so i have NO idea.) but at least it'll be SOMETHING that doesn't have to deal with food!

i am REALLY glad to hear about the outpatient program. i really think it'll be perfect for you. it'll provide that increased amount of structure and support without completely sucking you out of your life like an inpatient program would do, you know? how do you feel about it? i know that you think you're eating enough, but honey, just trust that you are WAY under eating. you don't eat breakfast often (fruit alone isn't breakfast), you eat a sandwich with nothing on the side and consider it lunch, you eat mini-snacks and consider them normal and you have a VERY hard time eating carbs at dinner so you're just eating lean meats and vegetables, which again is not enough.

what if i told you this is what i had for lunch today? a sandwich (w/o cheese), an apple, a serving of pretzels, a couple nuts and a glass of milk. what would you think of that? i'm assuming you'd tell me it was a very healthy, very low-fat lunch, right? do you realize that the "meal" is the equivalent of EVERYTHING you ate yesterday except dinner? and THEN if i told you that i ate no breakfast, that lunch, a piece of salmon and some veggies for dinner, and fat-free frozen yogurt for dessert? you'd tell me i wasn't eating enough, wouldn't you? you'd tell me i needed WAY more food to maintain my weight and that there was NO way i would ever gain weight eating like that, right? well that is basically what you ate yesterday. and that is why i think you need more structure and support to beat this thing. you've become so accustomed to eating teensy-tiny "diet" meals/snacks (cuz like i said, an apple isn't a meal) that you've lost touch with reality in terms of what a "meal" actually is. i hope explaining it this way makes it a little more clear. i totally understand where you're coming from in terms of feeling like you're eating enough, cuz i used to feel that way too. Ed has this nasty way of making us view our "diets" as completely normal, so anything else seems totally gluttonous, you know? that's why i think we need strong structure and support (especially in the beginning) as we learn to eat more. anyway, i hope laying it out this way helps a little. at least to me, it made it even MORE apparent that you're really starving yourself here. anyway, let me know your thoughts on the outpatient program. how does it work, when do you go, what do you do, etc. (i'm curious!) thanks again for your kind post and i'll talk to you soon!
Hey hon, i did read it and was gonna write back later in the day yesterday, but our internet went down at work (woe is me! i was SO bored all afternoon!) anyway, i'm doing pretty good. i had kind of an inspiring moment last night, i think. first of all, my meal plan has been sucking the life out of me lately. for whatever reason, i've had a smaller-seeming appetite, so eating all this food has been killing me ... i've been SO full! anyway, it's kind of getting me down, but i'm trying to just stick it out, you know? it's hard to feel good when you feel so physicallys sick/full though. anyway, what happened is that last night, i was REALLY stuffed by the time i was getting ready for bed. a lot of times when i'm really full (every day actually), my legs get kind of swollen up (in addition to my full, swollen belly - it ain't pretty). does anything like this ever happen to you? i hate it, but i just try to ignore it cuz it usually goes away by morning. anyway, when i got undressed for bed last night, i was checking myself out in the mirror in my bra and underwear as i changed. i looked bigger/rounder, especially in the stomach, hips, thighs area, but surprisingly, i didn't hate it! at all! i actually LIKED how i saw myself, cuz i thought i looked more "womanly." i couldn't believe it! obviously i could have done without my sticking-out stomach, but i knew that was just from food fullness. but the bigger thighs/hips that i saw, i LIKED them!!! i was sort of in shock, i guess. it made me feel pretty hopeful. i know the feeling won't stick 100% yet (already feeling like "Ms. Fat Thighs" today), but eventually, i (we) am gonna feel like that everyday. and THAT is a positive thought! so anyway, that was my sort of breakthrough moment of the night.

otherwise, it's just same old same old. i can't wait to get into therapy on saturday, because i feel like i have a LOT to talk about in terms of loneliness, my meal plan restricting me from being social, the fact that i am BORED out of my mind not being able to be outdoors, etc. i just feel like it isn'tworking anymore. the restrictions/rules placed on me right now have just gotten to be too much and as a result, i'm miserable cuz all i can do is sit around and eat all the time. like i said before, it's different than binging/restricting, but it's making me feel just as bad as those times, which ain't good. so we'll see what happens on saturday!

how are you? like i said before, i REALLY think the outpatient program is gonna help. i think you just need that little kick in the butt (or rather, Ed needs a little kick) to get sort of "jump-started," you know? i think it'll help with many of the issues that are so tough right now -- guilt over frozen yogurt everyday, learning what a "normal, healthy" diet really is, restriction of many full-fat, full-sugar foods, etc. and once the program helps you overcome some of that stuff, i think you're gonna feel A LOT better. you'll feel more confident, healthier, happier and you'll be able to really start moving along in recovery! anyway, i'm excited for you (i sort of wish i could go to! it just seems like programs like that would make "recovery" happen so much faster, and i'm just so sick of this sh**, you know? plus, if we could go together it would be ultra fun, obviously, lol!)

anyway, enjoy your 70 degree weather (secretly i'm hating you right now) and have a good day! it isn't too bad up north here anyway ... yesterday was in the 70s (ha!) and today it's in the 60s, i think. the weekend is supposed to be colder though, sigh ... i can't wait till i move south someday! talk to you soon!
It made me SOOOO happy to read your post!! It is amazing to feel accepting and loving of your body as it changes. I've experienced that before (unfortunately, not recently) and like you said - it's just so much more womanly to be rounder and softer - the angular look of the jaw bone, the ribs, the skinny thighs, the hip bones - those are not SEXY and not attractive AT ALL. I think I read somewhere a while back that men are actually attracted to what was determined as healthy and fertile in the early days. Women who were rounder, healthier, as opposed to wasting away were optimal mates. So it's rooted in guys' minds to like curves!! Haha. I've said this before and I'll say it again - I truly don't think that super thin is attractive, per se, but I still am drawn to it. It's so bizarre. Like when I go to the gym and I look at other women, I ALWAYS think the more voluptuous or toned ones look so much better than the super thin or really muscular ones -it's just more appealing! Yet I fail to gain weight.
I am just so happy that you are coming out of your body dysmorphia and seeing yourself in the true light! You are not fat - not even normal weight! - and you are finally realizing that. Isn't it weird how foggy your mind was before in comparison to now?

OK- tomorrow I am meeting with the lady at the outpatient clinic. I am sort of feeling like I don't even need to be going, but I always get that way and I know that I just need to do it. I told my best friends and each one of them almost started crying b/c they were so happy. That's reason enough for me to go.

I'm having kind of a dilemma right now with life, though, and I think it might help to get an outsider's perspective. Do you think you could give me some advice?
Alright- so I was born and raised in San Diego. Then I went to LA for college and lived there for 4 years and loved/hated it. Sometimes I absolutely loved that there was a lot to do, the weather, etc... and then other times I hated it b/c of the pretense, the feeling of inadequacy, the huge "scene", etc.. (and not to mention the traffic), but all in all I liked being there for school. So now, back from Australia, I am living at home (San Diego). Not only am I in my hometown, I am in my actual house (which needs to change). As I've told you, my parents are really up and down with their relationship and that really takes a toll on me, so I know that no matter what I need to get out of the house. The question is, do I just move out and get a place in San Diego? Or do I move back up to LA? I have friends in BOTH places (although closer ones in SD) and I could see myself living in either place, but I just can't decide what is best! I don't want to get to LA and realize "oh yeah, this is why I hated it" and I don't want to stay in SD and think "jee, I should have moved further away for a while."

The whole job/something to do thing is a big part of it, too. I know I need to do this clinic (M,W TH), but at the same time, I can't just sit around the rest of the time. So do I move out, do the clinic here, and do volunteer/part time until I'm finished. Or do I move to LA, do a clinic there, and do the same thing? Or do I get a full time job here and not do the clinic? I am sort of thinking of going back to school in fall '07 and getting my PSY D...have you heard of that? Doctor of psychology. Seems like it would be great to do! Do you think that's a good plan? I don't want to be one of those weirdos who studies psyc b/c she has problems herself - haha - but itruly am interested in it! And I wouldn't do eating disorders so it's not THAT weird.

Anyway, sorry this was so just SO confused. Let me know what you do you like advertising, by the way? B/c as you know I thought about getting into that, too...

Hope you're having an AWESOME day. I'm so bored!!!!!!!!!!!
oh hon, it's so hard and i'm here, thinking of you and sending out happy thoughts! but you know what i couldn't stop thinking as i read your post? you're FINALLY being challenged. up until this point you've kinda been coasting along and now, BAM! you are REALLY being challenged head on with what is NECESSARY for recovery. i DO have a lot of empathy cuz basically, this part sucks, but i'm also REALLY glad it's happening and that you're struggling as hard as you are. cuz that is what is NECESSARY to get better.

i know that i eat A LOT of food now, but i didn't always, remember? so jumping from like 1600 to 2000 calories a day was JUST as hard for me at the time. i remember HATING my f***ing meal plan and thinking how stupid it all was and how FAT i was gonna get and how much i just HATED this stupid recovery. and i'm not urging you to automatically try to shut down those feelings and just feel happy and peaceful. cuz i think you gotta hate it. i think you gotta feel REALLY sh***y and want to give up and basically just HATE recovery. and THEN you learn to work through those feelings WITHOUT resorting to Ed (ie: without just restricting or moving backwards). and THAT is where the progress comes. without having those incredibly difficult struggles, you will NEVER learn to work through it and fight Ed down. you will never develop "Lauren Super Woman Strength" on which you can call when things go wrong (instead of calling on Ed). i don't know if i'm making sense, but i really feel that these "hardest times" are the most crucial "make or break you" times in recovery. i don't really know if i'm making sense (thinking as i write ... never good! that's when the posts get LONG!!!) and i definitely didn't feel this way as i went through similar struggles, but thinking about it now and remembering the feelings you're describing, i think that this time and these struggles are really GOOD for you (although feel free to absolutely HATE them, like i said).

now a little less *thinking* and a little more technical stuff. are you actually accomplishing the parts of the meal plan you're supposed to be following? i don't want an answer like "mostly but it's hard," i want an answer like "all except 2 grains, 2 fats, etc. yesterday." can you hold yourself accountable to me and actually report on what you're eating vs. what you're supposed to be eating everyday? i'd like that cuz i think it'd help, you know? also, what about my suggestions in terms of setting up more "concrete" meals/snacks to help you stick to it. i REALLY don't think it'll work unless you do that. like instead of "13 grains" a day, you think "3 at breakfast, 4 at lunch, 4 at dinner and 3 between my snacks and dessert (do cookies count, lol???)" that is the only way it'll really work, you know? and then you have your mental list of "easy" meals -- like for 3 breakfast grains it could be cereal and 2 pieces of toast, a bagel and cereal, an english muffin and oatmeal, etc. that'll give you variety AND make it easier to "stick to the plan" you know? anyway, let me know what you think about that. **also, if you're having trouble "getting it all in," then it is your responsibility to yourself to march on over to that dietician and say, "i need help. i don't know how/where to get this all in and i need you to help me figure out some feasible ways to do this." that is her job and you NEED to use her for that. refusal to do that is just Lauren allowing Ed to call the shots, do you see that? try to think about that way, k?

now, ms. poopy-face-skinny-pants-i'm-stupid-and-want-to-be-the-best-anorexic-i-can-be-and-like-to-pretend-to-get-better-but-am-stupid-and-really-have-no-intention-of-doing-so. i don't like her one bit, i'll tell you that! (and all those hyphens took a long time to type so ENJOY them, lol!) first of all, i think you gotta talk to somebody about how she's impacting you. are you still seeing your other therapist? if so, talk to her and come up with some coping strategies for dealing with this idiot. if not, talk to some therapists/dieticians/whatever at the program. i'm sure this happens A LOT in IOP so i'm sure they've got some good ways of helping you deal with it. i can think of a few little ones, but i'm sure they'll have better suggestions. number one: does she have bad skin/hair/is she ugly/etc.? (i'm serious here) find one unappealing physical trait about her that doesn't have to do with her weight and start thinking of her as "ms. knappy hair" instead of "ms. skinny pants." i think that'll help you focus a little less on her offensively low weight. number two (tee-hee, #2!): physically distance yourself from her as much as possible as often as possible. get yourself at the other end of the table from her but on the same side so you have to really WORK to see how much she's eating/not eating. and then, ls, just DON'T LOOK. talk to others, laugh, stare at the ceiling, whatever, but don't look at her or her plate. i know it sounds so simple and like it won't work, but that's the only way, i think. it reminds me of when i kept looking at my body in the mirror (mainly my thighs) and i'd get all depressed because i could "see" how much fatter they were getting. it'd REALLY get me down. and my therapist's advice? "just don't look in the mirror." i was like "yeah, right, like that's really gonna work. i'm gonna wanna look, then i'll look, then i'll feel like sh** again. or i might just look 'by accident'" but you know what? i took a mental commitment to myself NOT to look and honestly, i felt like 400 million times better almost instantly. just by not looking! yeah, i'd feel fat (like you would probably "feel" how much she left on her plate vs. how much you ate), BUT because i didn't CONFIRM that feeling by looking in the mirror (ie: her plate) i was able to MUCH more easily "let go" of the negative feelings. anyway, just some suggestions.

i like all the stuff you guys get to do ... i kind of wish i could go! just for the holistic feelings, you know? it's cool that you think it's helping and all. i really have a good feeling about this being your "turning point" and i'm excited (and nervous!) for you! have a good day. and yes, it's STILL raining here. i think it stopped for like 5 minutes total (if that) yesterday. it's gonna be a nasty weekend, but i've planned on sewing this one purse for MONTHS and i'm thinking this is the weekend to actually start doing it, lol! anyway, i'll probably be all cooped up and bored (i hate rain and cold!) so i'll be around if you want to chat!

dawg, where you at, lady?! and natalie, i don't know why they won't re-approve you, but i want you to know that i miss you and hope you're still checking in every once in awhile.
hey girlies! i've missed so much, lol! i just read through everything with a big ol' smile on my face ... it's so GREAT to read when ya'll are doing well or at least recognizing the signs of Ed, our evil pal along for the ride ... anyway, i don't have a ton of time, plus you girls already said all the good stuff to each other, so i (for once, lol) don't really have anything to add.

pinstriped, i'm SO glad you've joined in on this thread (it's the best one here ... j/k!) really though, it makes me really happy (how many times can she say "really" in one sentence???) that you jumped right in here and are helping and asking for help. really, it's awesome. your story sounds somewhat like mine. i too was NEVER fat (if only we could go back and erase those "i'm fat" thoughts pre-Ed, you know?) and my restriction in calories was never severe like many girls' is. i feel like that made me prolong getting help until it was REALLY too late (i had some MAJOR binging problems that i can tell you about at another time). i just didn't think i was "really" anorexic, you know? i feel like you're in sort of the same place, but it does sound like you're recognizing the problem more than i allowed myself to. that's really awesome cuz i think it'll help you get help and get better sooner. one thing my therapist said to me when i first started seeing her was that life with an ed was like living in a prison -- you're totally restricted and feel totally alone and miserable and you can't make your own choices, etc. i'm repeating it to your cuz i feel like it really applies to your situation. it IS like a prison, isn't it? and yeah, it REALLY sucks. anyway, i strongly URGE you to tell your mom what's going on. it will be the single best decision you make in your life, i promise you that. i know how scary it seems (he**, i binged almost daily for 9 months straight before i worked up the courage to call my mom and confess that i needed help, that i was dealing with something i could NOT stop on my own) that first conversation is REALLY hard, but (like many of the hard decisions in life) it's REALLY worth it. it sounds like she cares about you and loves you a lot, and i have a feeling that she will do anything she can to help you be free and happy and healthy once again. so please tell her. i don't believe that it's possible to recover from anorexia without therapy and telling your mom is the first step to getting a therapist. and i want you to be happy! so, just think about it, you know?

ls, lady, you're doing great!!! i'm so happy to hear how GOOD and FREE you're feeling after only that one week. seriously, i wish i could be there to celebrate with you. and i love, love, love the goal-setting that you do at the treatment place. that's such a good, concrete way to keep you striving to move forward, you know? i'm so happy that you're getting instant positive results too (from friends, having tons of fun, etc.) i think that's what is necessary to reinforce "non-ed" behavior. we need to tangibly SEE that we feel better, have more fun, don't gain 40 pounds overnight, etc, you know? i'm realizing that with my "out to dinners" every week. i've been a total rockstar (not to pat my own back, lol) lately at not even worrying about calories when i eat and i'm realizing how much more FUN eating is when you aren't trying to count calories the whole time. anyway, i just love it and i'm SO happy that you're feeling so good.

as for me, i've also been feeling very happy lately AND i've been really feeling good about my body. i'm not just like "yeah, i could learn to deal with this weight" (even though i know i still need to gain more) i'm really feeling like, "i LIKE my body this way and my body likes me!" (they should base a sesame street episode around that quote, lol) anyway, it's a really awesome feeling cuz i expected to absolutely HATE my body as i gained weight. instead it's just like "eh, whatever. it's just a BODY and i am MUCH more than that." anyway, i REALLY gotta go now (pinstriped, no need to ever apologize for long, disjointed, random posts ... i wrote about Shaq once! Like ls said, that's basically how it is on this thread ... once we start typin', we just can't stop!!) anyway, ya'll (i think i'm channeling dawg, who by the way should COME BACK!) have a WONDERFUL weekend and i'll talk to you soon.

ps - ls, it's like 50 degrees, cold and damp here. what is that all about?!? it's may!!! (i don't know why i get such a kick out of telling you about my crappy weather situations. guess it just proves what a dork i am!)
Hey Girls!!!
I'm so sorry I've been MIA for so long (actually, probably a total of 24 hours, but it feels like forever!) LOL. I guess I just post so often that when my internet goes down (which is what happened all day yesterday) I feel like I miss so much! Can we say nerd?

Anyway, I just read through all of the posts and I'm SO excited. I feel like everyone is in a really great place right now and we can all help eachother TREMENDOUSLY. Recovery is honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do, despite how positive I may sound recently. I struggle every single day with not wanting to follow my meal plan, not wanting to gain weight, wondering if I'm too "fat" to be in IOP, wondering what the other girls in IOP think about me, etc etc etc. It's incredibly draining! So I just want you to know that just b/c Joni and I are DETERMINED does not mean that it isn't hard. It's just that we want to be healthy and happy THAT badly. And I want it even more each time I feel a little bit of my old self coming's like I get a taste of how carefree and happy I used to be and I want that ALL back.

I want to post more, but I actually can't right now. I just wanted to pop my head in and say hi and tell you that I have a TON to say, but I'll have to write tomorrow. Keep up the motivation, girls!


PS- Should I know who Kirk Heinrich is?
I know that it would not be the end of the world if I gained 2lbs - I mean, that is my goal, right? But it is still such a scary thought.

I am in LA right now visiting a bunch of college friends and staying at their apartment. I got here yesterday and so far it has been SO great seeing them. The only thing is, I feel HUGE. Whenever I am out of control of what I am eating and having fun, I get this feeling that I am fat. It's so frustrating!
Last night for dinner I had a chicken breast and a cup or 2 of broccoli and corn for dinner. Then maybe a nibble of a cookie that was left out and some wine. Then we went out and I had a couple vodka sodas (big deal) and that was it. This morning I had some coffee (long story but I got 2 hours of sleep, slept on one of my guy friends' couch, and left at 6am) so we stopped and got starbucks on the way home, then I went to sleep again until 12 and now we are going to go out to lunch. Obviously I have not overeaten, but I FEEL like I have. And drinking last night doesn't make me feel any more in control. I wasn't even very drunk but I just feel like since I let loose and had a good time SOMETHING must be wrong, you know?

All I want to do is restrict. I feel like I do not need to gain weight and it really bothers me that I have to go to IOP on monday and eat dinner wtih them after this "excessive" weekend.

Last night my friend said she was hungry after the bar so we got these tacos from a little vendor near the bar. I got 2 and she got 2 and I PRETENDED to eat them. That is not normal!! I spit a bit out into a napkin b/c I wanted her to think I was eating them, too. I just shouldn't have even gotten them b/c I wasn't even hungry but I wanted to make her think I was. What am I doing?!?!
oooo, that scale at the doctor thing, ugh! i totally understand about knowing you should just say "i don't want to see the number," but then secretly wanting to see it AND not wanting to have to say that cuz then the nurse will "know" you have an ed, you know? if it makes you feel any better, i've never been brave enough to ask not to see the number either. mine has always been the same/under my scale at home though, so it hasn't been such an issue (at least yet).

here's the REALLY IMPORTANT thing to remember, okay? scales -- ALL of them, even the doctor ones -- are basically crap. they don't match up to each other from the doctor, to the gyno, to the one at the gym, to yours at home, etc. you've gotta keep telling yourself that, okay? i'm sure that's all it is. you're EXACTLY the same weight you were a couple days ago, it's just that the NUMBER on one scale is different from the number on another, you know? so don't let that get you down, it means NOTHING unless you've been regularly weighing yourself on that specific scale, you know?

you're doing good, hon, but i'm still worried. "DO NOT let your guard down" is the best advice i can give you right now. Ed is right there under the surface with you right now and all he needs is a teensy bit of mindspace to get in and he'll be pushing back to get control. so just keep fighting REALLY hard. you've had a lot of slip-ups and undereating problems, so EXPECT that that is the area where Ed will try to regain control. EXPECT that you aren't going to want to stick to your meal plan, cuz i can guarantee you that you ARE NOT going to want to. (or rather, ED isn't going to want you to). and then give that voice a big "f*** you!" and eat whatever it is you're supposed to eat. this is a very testy time for you right now and i think you're doing REALLY great so far. it's hard and anxiety-ridden and frustrating as he**, but it WILL get better if you just stick to it and keep fighting, okay? (i know you can!)

i've been having a sort of rough/sort of good time lately too. i'm up to 128 (wahoo! ... sort of ... i'm sure you know what i mean, lol!), but i am feeling WORLD CLASS FAT FAT FAT! But, on the other hand, i'm fighting it pretty good, i think. i've been feeling like a regular porker lately and my legs have been getting REALLY swollen up and fatty at night (this started when i was binging and the only reason i can think that it still happens at night is cuz i eat near-binge levels (in terms of calories) of food, you know?) i just hate having the buddha belly/constipated belly EVERY DAY from eating so much food, you know? but i've been trying REALLY hard to LIKE what i see and to say to myself, "you'll get to lose the buddha belly and swollen legs soon, sweetie, cuz you KNOW both of those are just a result of overeating. so as soon as you gain 2 more little pounds, you get to eat LESS and not stuff yourself every single night!" and i AM liking my body as it "fills out" a bit (minus the full tummy, lol), so that's really good. i like not looking so "scary" and "risky" skinny, you know? anyway, jsut some thoughts. have a good day!

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