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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

I need some help. I want to WANT to recover. I want to be a happy person. Next Wednesday I'm turning 21 and my life is ticking away. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel hopeless, I exist on a day-to-day basis, I just feel broken inside. And vulnerable, scared, and ashamed of soooo many things. Two years ago on my birthday I was in the psych hospital. Actually, around this time I was in there too, for a couple weeks. Thinking about that makes me discouraged b/c I haven't made much progress since then at all. In some ways yeah (I'm more mature I think) but in other ways I'm worse. Then I had the desire to get well. But now I feel hopeless.

So the decision is about therapy. Go or wait? Based on what I just wrote you'd probably jump to the conclusion that "duh you need it! You're totally screwed up!" But it's not that easy. The therapist I saw for the first time last week specializes in ED's, and I do want to end my terrible b/p'ing habit. She's already talking about me eating more (I think I eat enough), and last time I agreed, knowing full well that was not my plan. There are so many issues that I want to get well from, my full diagnosis includes major depression, general anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder (I know all that from the mmpi). I want to change all that stuff. I really do. And the bulimic behavior. I guess it's the weight gain holding me back. I want to control my weight completely right now and keep it where I want it. I know in my heart I have no desire to gain weight because I don't see thinness. *Supposedly* my thinking is flawed. I do not know. It kind of makes me angry when people say I "need" to gain weight. Why must I gain weight to be happy? Why can't I work on happiness while maintaining/toning up my body? I know LOTS of happy people on diets. I don't think dieting equals unhappiness.

What should I do, go to therapy and waste my parent's money? Should I wait and start later? Is she even going to help me if I tell her my "plan?" I am so lost with everything. I don't know about any of this anymore. I feel on edge about everything. Sorry for the negative post, I tried to be as honest as possible.

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