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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

I'm back! And i've missed you all SO much! Sorry i haven't been around lately, but i've been absolutely crazy-pants SWAMPED at work (my primary posting time, lol) so i haven't had time to write anything. i've been reading, sort of, but i've barely even had time for that. i do have a general idea of what's been going on with ya'll though, and i feel like everybody's keeping a positive attitude and fighting, which i LOVE to hear. :) especially you, ls (my girl!), i'm REALLY happy to hear what's been going on with you lately. you just SOUND happier, you know? i can tell you're feeling it and recognizing how GOOD recovery can be and it makes me just feel relieved to see you really making some progress. all those new "rules" (having your family help, limited exercise, no scale, etc.) seem awesome. i really think that's what you've needed all along -- structure. this thing is too tough to beat without it, you know? anyway, i'm really glad to see you're sticking to all the guidelines and fighting through the bad feelings that Ed brings up, you know? you're doing really GOOD, girl!

i've been doing okay lately, not great, not terrible. a lot's been going on, but i'll try to recap somewhat briefly. i've had a lot of "big" events lately -- out to eats, BBQs, camping weekend, etc. -- and all went pretty well. all of that stuff still makes me SO nervous though and i feel like i'm always still fighting the "Ed" voice telling me to just stay home and never do anything at all. do you girls get that? i fight it, just saying "no" and going on with the plans, but i can't say i actually WANT to do these "risky" situations, you know? it's like deep down, i still just want to stay home where it's "safe." it's frustrating -- when is it gonna lighten up a little and i won't have to argue with Ed (and myself) to convince myself to go out to eat, etc. i know it'll happen and the day will come when someone'll say "do you wanna go shopping all day and then out to dinner?" and i'll be able to say "sure" instead of fighting the immediate impulse to say "HE** NO!!!" but i want that to happen NOW. or at least not be such a struggle, you know? so that's been tough with all this "activity" lately, but i'm still fighting it. i just wish it wasn't always such a FIGHT against that voice.

my weight? (ta da!) i weighed myself today and i was 130 (finally!) do i feel good about it? eh, sort of. actually, i feel bloated and FAT because my period's coming (probably in like a couple hours, ugh), but i've been fighting those "fat" feelings all day and winning like 85% of the time (not too bad for period day, lol). i'm a little confused on the weight thing though and here's why.first of all, i'm recognizing that it could be period weight. secondly, we just had a MAJOR heat wave in chicago (like 90+ and HUMID!) and my stinkin' 3500 calorie meal plan dam* near killed me. do you girls sort of naturally "lose" your appetite in hot weather? i (and i SWEAR this isn't Ed talking) REALLY do, so eating all that was basically like binging. it was horrible. i was sweating, bloated, belching (ick!), swollen really bad in my legs. i felt like CRAP basically, but i just stuck to it despite the heat. anyway, here's why i'm confused: one week ago, i was 127 pounds. now, all of the sudden it gets hot out and i gain 3 pounds in less than a week?!? can this happen or do you girls think it's something weird like water retention? (i have been getting REALLY swollen in my ankles, knees, tummy, etc.) i know i'm probably being stupid, but i'm really weirded out by this and i don't know how i feel about it. given my history of EXTREME difficulty gaining weight, i basically feel like my body has just "betrayed" me and ballooned up like a big fatso (just like stupid Ed tells me it will). i'm really struggling with this! do you think it could be real? and if so, why did my body just do that all of the sudden? my weight gain has been SO slow and SO tedious, how on earth could it suddenly speed up like two million times expontentially? (and yes, i'm sort of freaking out, so some advice/words of wisdom would be of help, lol) it just doesn't seem right, you know? BUT, on the happy side, i feel pretty okay with how i actually LOOK. actually today, i feel quite bloated, but YESTERDAY, i felt really GOOD about my body. yeah, i'm "softer" if you will, but i'm still THIN and HEALTHY and i still look BEAUTIFUL in my eyes. i just keep telling myself this and it's actually working pretty good. but that 3 pounds in like 5 days thing is REALLY getting to me. why? how? huh?!?!

anyway, i gotta go, but i just wanted to tell you all that i've missed you and i'm back now and we are gonna fight to win this war! hurrah!! (that was my rallying cry, lol) have a great night everyone!

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