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You're exactly right.
Yesterday when I was in with my therapist I told her how I go bananas if I find out someone hasn't eaten. Even if it's my brother or my dad or someone I'm not even "competing" with, per se, it bothers me. If my brother comes home from playing golf all day and says "Man, I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day." That is an IMMEDIATE trigger for me. What!? You haven't eaten and I've eaten breakfast, lunch, and snacks!?!? Eat, Eat, Eat!!! It's like I can't stand being one step ahead of anyone else. Or behind - whatever you want to call it.
BUT, I'm starting to change my thinking and say "Lauren - STOP. Why would you be jealous of someone who skipped lunch if you didn't?! They are just going to be starving and binge later and you had a healthy sandwich and your blood sugar is stable and you are energized!!!!" Ya know?

Anyway, that is my 2 cents on the subject that I started - haha. I am so hypocritical sometimes, but not intentionally. I really do try to practice what I preach.

I am NOT weighing myself and it feels great!!! (Although I am SOOO curious b/c I feel gigantic)....
I'm back! And i've missed you all SO much! Sorry i haven't been around lately, but i've been absolutely crazy-pants SWAMPED at work (my primary posting time, lol) so i haven't had time to write anything. i've been reading, sort of, but i've barely even had time for that. i do have a general idea of what's been going on with ya'll though, and i feel like everybody's keeping a positive attitude and fighting, which i LOVE to hear. :) especially you, ls (my girl!), i'm REALLY happy to hear what's been going on with you lately. you just SOUND happier, you know? i can tell you're feeling it and recognizing how GOOD recovery can be and it makes me just feel relieved to see you really making some progress. all those new "rules" (having your family help, limited exercise, no scale, etc.) seem awesome. i really think that's what you've needed all along -- structure. this thing is too tough to beat without it, you know? anyway, i'm really glad to see you're sticking to all the guidelines and fighting through the bad feelings that Ed brings up, you know? you're doing really GOOD, girl!

i've been doing okay lately, not great, not terrible. a lot's been going on, but i'll try to recap somewhat briefly. i've had a lot of "big" events lately -- out to eats, BBQs, camping weekend, etc. -- and all went pretty well. all of that stuff still makes me SO nervous though and i feel like i'm always still fighting the "Ed" voice telling me to just stay home and never do anything at all. do you girls get that? i fight it, just saying "no" and going on with the plans, but i can't say i actually WANT to do these "risky" situations, you know? it's like deep down, i still just want to stay home where it's "safe." it's frustrating -- when is it gonna lighten up a little and i won't have to argue with Ed (and myself) to convince myself to go out to eat, etc. i know it'll happen and the day will come when someone'll say "do you wanna go shopping all day and then out to dinner?" and i'll be able to say "sure" instead of fighting the immediate impulse to say "HE** NO!!!" but i want that to happen NOW. or at least not be such a struggle, you know? so that's been tough with all this "activity" lately, but i'm still fighting it. i just wish it wasn't always such a FIGHT against that voice.

my weight? (ta da!) i weighed myself today and i was 130 (finally!) do i feel good about it? eh, sort of. actually, i feel bloated and FAT because my period's coming (probably in like a couple hours, ugh), but i've been fighting those "fat" feelings all day and winning like 85% of the time (not too bad for period day, lol). i'm a little confused on the weight thing though and here's why.first of all, i'm recognizing that it could be period weight. secondly, we just had a MAJOR heat wave in chicago (like 90+ and HUMID!) and my stinkin' 3500 calorie meal plan dam* near killed me. do you girls sort of naturally "lose" your appetite in hot weather? i (and i SWEAR this isn't Ed talking) REALLY do, so eating all that was basically like binging. it was horrible. i was sweating, bloated, belching (ick!), swollen really bad in my legs. i felt like CRAP basically, but i just stuck to it despite the heat. anyway, here's why i'm confused: one week ago, i was 127 pounds. now, all of the sudden it gets hot out and i gain 3 pounds in less than a week?!? can this happen or do you girls think it's something weird like water retention? (i have been getting REALLY swollen in my ankles, knees, tummy, etc.) i know i'm probably being stupid, but i'm really weirded out by this and i don't know how i feel about it. given my history of EXTREME difficulty gaining weight, i basically feel like my body has just "betrayed" me and ballooned up like a big fatso (just like stupid Ed tells me it will). i'm really struggling with this! do you think it could be real? and if so, why did my body just do that all of the sudden? my weight gain has been SO slow and SO tedious, how on earth could it suddenly speed up like two million times expontentially? (and yes, i'm sort of freaking out, so some advice/words of wisdom would be of help, lol) it just doesn't seem right, you know? BUT, on the happy side, i feel pretty okay with how i actually LOOK. actually today, i feel quite bloated, but YESTERDAY, i felt really GOOD about my body. yeah, i'm "softer" if you will, but i'm still THIN and HEALTHY and i still look BEAUTIFUL in my eyes. i just keep telling myself this and it's actually working pretty good. but that 3 pounds in like 5 days thing is REALLY getting to me. why? how? huh?!?!

anyway, i gotta go, but i just wanted to tell you all that i've missed you and i'm back now and we are gonna fight to win this war! hurrah!! (that was my rallying cry, lol) have a great night everyone!
I'm so sorry I didn't come on here sooner to help you out. You know what, though, your attitude is AMAZING. You are absolutely right about your brain chemistry changing as you gain weight. We were actually just talking about that in my outpatient program today. When you are at a low weight (like with anorexia) the chemicals in your brain are completely out of whack and you "feel" fat even when you are still at a crucially low weight. I know that I feel gigantic right now (and I really believe it), but according to the scale (I don't weigh myself, but my therapist does) and I've probably gained 2lbs at most. So yeah, I'm heavier, but not enough to justify feeling THIS much larger. You've got to trust that it's all in your head. ED wants to keep hanging on, but just think about how miserable you are with him. He even translates compliments (like when your friend told you you look so much better!) and changes them into insults (making you think she said you look FATTER). For all you know, she could have been noticing how much happier and lighthearted you seem! And I'm sure your face just has more of a glow to it. Seriously.
You are doing so awesome. Don't give up now. I know you can do this and we will support you 100% with everything. Just think about how free you felt on your Hershey weekend!!

Joni- I'm so happy that you ordered that hamburger the other night at dinner! That is so awesome. Do you realize how much progress you have made in the past several months. I think sometimes we forget how far we've actually come. I am so proud of us. How did you feel after the hamburger? Didn't you feel more satisfied than you have in months? I'm sure your body loved it just as much as your mind did. I truly think that our bodies crave things that they need and when we are dying for chocolate, hamburgers, or cheese, we really NEED something in them - flavanoids, iron, or calcium...whatever! I want you to know also that if you do end up weighing yourself (which you shouldn't) and the 130lbs is true weight, DO NOT freak out. Think about how long you have been trying at this and how little that is compared to how much you have been eating!!! You honestly must be tired of having to force so much food down every single day. I really still don't know how you eat your entire meal plan every single day without flinching and you haven't even gained that much weight. I have a meal plan from IOP (like i told you before) and I don't think I've done the whole thing for an entire day in the 4 or 5 weeks that I've been there. It's so much food! And there is always a reason why I can't do it all. Do you SERIOUSLY follow yours to a T? I'm not saying you have been lying (not at all!) I just can't imagine you don't feel t he urge to restrict ever after a gigantic meal. Tell me how you do it! I need some inspiration!!

I am feeling really weird tonight - FAT. I am still really motivated to recover and I'm so happy that I am doing this program, but I just seriously don't feel like I am too thin. In fact, I know I'm not. Can I just tell you what I ate today and you can tell me wha you think? I already know you are going to have a problem with what I did about lunch, but here it goes:
Breakfast: 1 piece toast, 2 eggs scrambled with 1oz reduced fat cheddar cheese
Mid-morning: Coffee with nonfat milk
Lunchtime: large navel orange, fuji apple (definitely restricted b/c wasn't sure what was going to be for dinner at program - always do this)
Dinner (at IOP): Turkey sandwich on thick wheat bread with 1 slice cheese, small amount mayo, lettuce, tomato, avocado, 1 cup fruit salad
Dessert: Regular frozen yogurt and handful of chocolate chips that I ate mindlessly and am pi**ed about!!!

On days when I have IOP and I know I have to eat dinner there, I skimp on my lunch. It's become such a habit b/c a) we eat dinner at 5pm and that is SO early so I want to be hungry b) I'm never sure what it will be so I want to be "safe" and c) I hate eating when I'm not hungry and I'd feel so anxious if I went in and had to eat dinner on a full/not hungry stomach. What do you suggest I do?

I also need help/advice about this weekend b/c I'm going up to LA to see some of my college girlfriends and we are going out friday and saturday night (and probably all getting bfst and lunch on saturday and sunday). I don't want to have to stress about the food and gaining weight, but I always do in situations like that. And I'm already feeling bad tonight about the chocolate chips I ate so I don't want to skimp on breakfast tomorrow, or lunch, or anything.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!! I really don't know what I'm doing or what I'm even thinking right now. Really foggy headed....

Oh and Dawg, how are you doing? Tell me what's new. Natalie? How are you? Sunshine? Mandabear? Anyone else I forgot to mention...
hey gals! i too am sorry i didn't get on here when you were having such a rough time, pinstriped. i hope everything's "settled down" and you're feeling more peaceful now. that "fat feeling" is SO hard to beat and i can picture exactly what you were going through -- just sitting there, unable to do anything, even go to sleep, because all you could do was "feel fat." i'm sorry sweetie, it really sucks. the important thing to remember is that is IS just a feeling, nothing more. it's a disordered thought and it has NOTHING to do with reality, k? i struggle with that one a lot too. the only thing that works for me is distracting myself from the feeling. in other words, FORCING myself to call someone, do something else, NOT look in the mirror, etc. i've found that i can't "make myself feel okay" about the fat feeling, but i can think about/do other things. does that make sense? so instead of trying to "reason" with Ed, i just accept the fact that i feel like a 5,000 pound whale and try to move on. it's not 100% effective, cuz that feeling can be really strong, but it works more often than not. at least. i hope that helps somewhat, hon, but i definitely know where you're coming from.

and all that stuff about brain chemistry when you're underweight, YES, that is totally true (at least i think it is!) i've read a lot about that and it completely makes sense, you know? our bodies aren't designed to operate properly underweight, they're designed to work -- mind, body and emotions together -- 100% when we're healthy (which clearly, we aren't when we're still underweight). i don't know how much of an impact it has, but don't you feel like you can sort of feel it in little spurts already as you get healthier? like spurts of actually LIKING the way you look or just the fact that you feel MUCH more relaxed and happier more of the time? that's what i notice most in myself as i gain weight (albeit slowly, lol). i just FEEL better, you know? i can think more clearly, etc. anyway, i hope some of this helps.

ls, i'm worried. (how many times have i said that, lol?!?) but i really am and i hope explaining it to you can make it clear why i'm almost more worried now than i've been in the past. okay, so here's why: i'm VERY worried because i think you're putting on a huge facade of "recovery" and actually convincing YOURSELF (not just others) that you're recovering and gaining weight and becoming more comfortable with food/weight/exercise when in reality, you aren't. at all, kiddo. i'm sorry to be really crass about this and i mean it in the kindest, most concerned-friend way, but this REALLY worries me. because before, you KNEW you weren't making any progress and you knew you weren't moving forward and really, you weren't fully trying to recover at that point. but now, i feel like you're almost on a false "high" of believing that you ARE eating more, gaining weight, becoming more comfortable with your body and getting over Ed. i really think that's more dangerous than the denial you were in before (basically thinking you didn't need help). cuz now you've convinced yourself that you are "recovering," when in reality, you aren't moving forward. does this make sense? how will you get to the point of ACTUALLY recovering when you're 100% convinced that you're doing it already?

please, please, PLEASE try not to take this the wrong way cuz i really do mean it as sincere, caring message. i am very worried about what's been going on with you lately and it seems like nobody around you notices. it seems like they're all caught up in the "false high" too, you know? they think you're doing what you've gotta do, you think you're doing what you've gotta do ... but you aren't. and unless somebody can notice that and FIX it, you aren't gonna get better. i guess i worry that no one is noticing or will notice and this will just go on as is ...

a few more tangible things, and i'll let you off the hook. (i REALLY don't mean to berate you for this stuff, but i just get frustrated cuz it doesn't seem like anybody is holding you accountable for recovery; and that includes yourself, hon) so you predicted it and i'm doing it -- what in the he** was that "lunch?" i'm sorry, girl. COMPLETELY inacceptable, okay? i think you need a little reality check here. those "dinners" that you have a IOP are the size of a normal person's lunch, don't you realize that??? i am not exagerrating AT ALL here. it's always like a sandwich and a piece of fruit or something. that is hardly ANYTHING. you have to stop compensating ahead of time for these little piss-pot meals. it's ridiculous. honestly, i'm shocked that's what they feed you. where's the meat, potatoes, vegetable, bread and butter meals? seriously. THAT is a dinner, not a fu**ing turkey sandwich and a measely fruit cup. i'm sure they're being "cautious" because they don't want to freak anybody out, but honestly, i think it's WAY too cautious. i could see you having a desire to pre-compensate by restricting at lunch if the last dinner was lasagna, garlic bread and salad with REAL dressing, but all the dinners are like friggin' veggie wraps with a teensy bit of avocado, what the he** is that?!?! in my opinion, they're weight watchers-type meals that don't even include all the food groups and i think it's bullsh**, honestly.

but that's besides the point, i guess. my main point is that YOU need to realize this and stop restricting before them. you're smarter than that, so just stop, okay? you asked before how i stuck to my meal plan 100% (which yes, i do. i've broken it probably less than 7 times in the past year.) i've said this before but i'll say it again for reinforcement: it ain't rocket science ... i just DO. that's honestly all there is to it. i know what i have to eat, i PLAN it (very important) and then i make it work. it gets tiring yes, but so does anorexia, so i'm focusing on the greater good, i guess you could say. you said, "It's so much food! And there is always a reason why I can't do it all." oh really? and what exactly ARE those reasons? seriously, stop kidding yourself. you don't stick to it because you don't want to gain weight, it's as simple as that. i know from personal experience that you can avoid any "roadblocks" in sticking to your meal plan with little or no stress. seriously. what, you can't bring a granola bar along when you go to the mall? what, you can't eat lunch cuz you're meeting a friend? it's bullsh** and you know it. sorry about all the profanity in this one, but i'm really trying to get my point across (and apparentely that requires excessive swearing, lol). you need to commit to this thing or it's never gonna work. every time you plan on NOT sticking to your meal plan, ask yourself "Why am i doing this? What will this accomplish? How will this help me get better? How can i avoid making this choice?" seriously, i think you need to go that in depth EVERY SINGLE time you want to restrict/cheat. ask yourself WHY and then write it down. maybe the stupidity of the choice (again sorry to be so harsh, but it's true) will become apparent to you then.

i'm really going for the marathon length here, but i really hope some of this can help you. i'm worried, hon, and i'm worried that no one who's supposed to be helping you seems worried too. i'm not in any way trying to "cheapen" how GOOD you've been feeling lately -- that makes me really happy! :) i'm just worried that you don't realize what's really going on cuz Mr. Stupid Pants Ed is clouding things up. i can tell you that i'm 90% sure you're eating no more (and often less) than pre-IOP treatment. think about that, okay? that's NOT how it's supposed to work. i'm thinking of you and hoping and wishing for the best and i'm gonna try to come on here more often so we can chat. we REALLY help each other and i think we've both gotten a little lazy (at least i have!) and haven't been posting as much. so good luck, hon, and stay strong and QUESTION those Ed-behaviors.

dawg, hey girl! i've missed you too and i'm sorry to hear things haven't been going too well. whenever you've got time, you should come on and go more in depth with it all. just keep trying and remember what worked in the past, k? and pizza, yeah, HUGE fear food for me too (except frozen pizza, cuz the calories are there, you know?) but i feel i'm close to doing it. heck, i did a huge burrito and a cheeseburger, i can do anything!!

happy, healthy thoughts to all of you and i'll be back soon!
Ok wow - Joni, are you sure we don't share DNA or something b/c everything you said is so right on. I honestly cannot believe how well you seem to know me- it's almost scary. And the weird thing is, I didn't even realize all of this myself! I have been so into being the perfect patient and the perfect role model at IOP that I have almost tricked myself into thinking I have been just coasting through it. "This meal is no big deal," I'd say - but of course it's no big deal if it's a TURKEY SANDWICH and I've restricted all day to be hungry for it!! And yes I am doing A LOT better, psychologically speaking, but I have to step up to the plate with this weight thing and just eat the da*n meal plan. I brought this all up in group today and it felt really great, but I also felt EXTREMELY vulnerable. I feel like I basically had to admit that I was almost putting on a front this entire time and I really am struggling. But after I admitted to this everyone in the group seemed relieved and almost grateful that I am struggling, too.

Tonight was VERY intense at IOP. So I went to work this morning and had a luna bar and a banana for breakfast along with some coffee with nonfat milk. Afraid of what was going to be for dinner, I had a small container of tuna salad for lunch and an apple (I know,I know). So by the time dinner rolled around at IOP I was starving (wonderful!, I thought). Our dinner was this: a salad with chicken on it, regular dressing, a little parmesan cheese, and croutons. For dessert we were supposed to eat 1/2 of this giant cookie - THAT is when I hit a wall. I just couldn't do it. I thought I had gotten away with it, but no way ms. skinny pants was going to let it slide (the girl who compares and contrasts with me 100% of the time) and so she brought it up in meal processing right afterwards. "Lauren didn't eat the cookie and we all had to and I feel badly now." I was totally embarassed and ashamed and scared. I felt really fat today and already knew I wanted my frozen yogurt for dessert and I DID NOT want to eat that cookie. So I ended up staying after to talk to our nutritionist for 1/2 an hour and I got a lot of motivation from her. She was saying she really doesn't want to see me backtrack, that I need to push myself, etc. etc.

I was really motivated afterwards to push myself (AND I was still hungry!) so I went and got frozen yogurt but actually got a TOPPING - peanuts and granola. I still felt like I should do more b/c I wanted to really push myself, so when I got home I ate 10 small crackers literally globbed with peanut butter. I don't even know how much pb I ate, but it was a LOT. So now I feel bad. It's like an endless cycle. I don't want to stay this way, I don't want to lose more weight, I don't want to disappoint my program, but then when I think this way and I push myself I end up feeling bad and full and fat. I am SO full right now and I'm already thinking "Great, now I have to eat a smaller breakfast tomorrow!" But I shouldn't, RIGHT!?!? Why is this so hard for me to grasp.

Joni, you're absolutely right. I make excuses not to follow the meal plan b/c I hate to feel full and I frankly just don't want to follow it. So this is where it's gotten me. It's just so hard for me to find a happy medium right now. At this very moment all I can think about is that peanut butter....that is not normal!!! But then again, it is not normal to eat a ton of it AFTER a huge thing of frozen yogurt with peanuts and granola!!

I agree that we have both been a little slacky on the posts lately and we help eachother SO much, so we should definitely try and get on here more often. I'd love to hear advice from ANYONE on what to do from here b/c I'm convinced I'm recovering, but obviously the weight is a big part of it and that's not budging too much. I'm so afraid of gaining weight still and I just can't stand that full feeling. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Hope you all are doing well...Talk to you soon!
Ls- im really sorry for the way your feeling right now. i really hope you feel better soon, you just have to push through and eat. and no the pb and the crackers is not, not normal after a frozen yogurt if you are hungry. when your hungry, its your body's natural way of telling you "yo lauren, i need some calories in here to carry out all your life functions." dont can do this!!

i could use some help today also though. i feel like the FATTEST person i know right now. i hate it, my arms got sooooooo FAT. i feel like a blob. i want to stop right now. i dont want to go back and lose weight but i just want to stop gaining. i feel and look like im getting bigger than everyone around me. like, doesnt that mean im at a healthy weight now though?? since i look like everyone elese. i look "normal" again!! but no, i still hafta gain 6 more pounds and then im gonna be really FAT. and tomorrow is my doctors appointment and their gonna weigh me and i know its only gonna be about 2 more pounds then last time but feel like it should be 8 or something. and today was the last day of school and now i should be happy because its summer. FINALLY!! but im not because i just feel huge. and last summer was my ultimate low. thats when i lost the most weight, cut myself off from ALL social hang outs, was the mopst obsessive and the most depressed. id hate that to happen again. and i wont let it. but i guess thats why im sad, because i cant do that. but that SUCKED! so why...ahhhhhhh I HATE THIS SOO MUCH.

sorry i kinda started to vent there but i had to get that out...i just hope this goes away soon, i just hafta keep pushin it.
Hi Girls!!
I loved reading your past few posts because you both sound so happy!! I am really happy, too, but I'm still struggling with several things on a daily basis, one of them being this:
I can't stop making excuses for my meal plan. And that's the first time I've admitted that they actually are excuses. Ok, so I have my IOP program monday, wednesday, thursday. On those days I usually eat a lighter lunch b/c I know I have to eat at IOP (at 5pm, too! early!) and I have no idea what it's going to be, so that scares me. That is "skimping # 1." Then, on the weekends I usually go out at night to dinner or bars or something and I have a huge complex about eating a lot when drinking (or before) so I usually skimp on those days, too..."skimping #2." Now that leaves about one or two days where I could technically eat my meal plan to a T, but on those days I sometimes make lunch plans or something like that and then I cannot eat a huge breakfast b/c then I won't be hungry to go to lunch or whatever. Honestly, I have an excuse for every single day and they all sound 100% legitimate to me. Yesterday, for example, was friday. I knew I was going out that night, so I ate a normal breakfast and lunch, but then really skimped on dinner. For breakfast I had a granola bar, an apple, and coffee with milk and for lunch I had a turkey wrap with avocado, lettuce, tomato. For dinner we went and got appetizers - we ordered one mixed appetizer plate and I had 5 small pieces of calamari, some caprese salad, and 1/2 of a piece of bruschetta. Obviously not enough to meet my meal plan!! And after I got home after drinking I was hungry (but I HATE drunk eating) and I had a couple rice cakes with cream cheese and jam on them - ew. I hate that I did that.
Anyway, my point is, how do you get past those lame excuses that seem so legit, but totally aren't. Do you ever create those in your head?

Thanks for your warning about the cookie incident. That has crossed my mind numerous times and bingeing is someting I am trying desperately to stay away from. Luckily I have not gotten the urge to binge, but I just absolutely do not want restricting to turn into hoarding food later in the day. I am keeping a close eye on that - don't worry.

I can't even explain how fat I feel right now. I honestly haven't gotten to exercise "normally" in a while (actually only like a few days, but it feels like forever) and I have been eating and drinking and being merry. I hate this feeling...

Pinstriped- I am SO happy to hear how well you are doing. It obviously is going to take a lot longer to get you 100% comfortable at where you are, but it's amazing that you are already having such positive thoughts and your REAL interests are coming back into your life. Painting is a lot more soothing and therapeutic than counting calories, isn't it?

Joni- I have heard you talk about your acting a lot before and I know it is something that you cherish. That is why it is so important to keep that in sight as you keep pushing toward recovery. To have the confidence and energy to act is priceless. There is no way you could have had the focus and determination (or even the right physical appearance) in your anorexic state. I'm so happy that you are still so positive about recovery. You help me so much. By the way, you said you need to gain 7 more lbs...what would that put you at? What is your goal weight? Is that your ultimate goal or just a place to reach at first? Just don't have to tell me if you don't want to either.

Hope you girls are doing well!!! Hope EVERYONE is doing well!
Talk to you soon...
Hi there girlies,
Pinstriped - please don't let ED translate your friends' comments into something they are not. They are telling you you look healthier and seem happier in all respects, not that you look fat or even full. Just the other day my dad told me I look "great" and my mom agreed and said I look "healthy" and Ed just flew off the handle. I look FAT?!? WHAT?? But then I realized that I knew what they were saying -I AM happier, I AM more nourished, and I want to look healthier! They weren't telling me I look obese or even heavier - just more alive!! Try to see it as a compliment...

Joni- As usual, your advice has really hit home. I am being completely honest with my IOP group and I told them about the whole BBQ incident and they made me feel 1000 times better. I realized that it's normal to take two steps forward and then one step back. It's not going to be all uphill (in a good way)...I am feeling very depressed today though b/c of numerous reasons that don't even necessarily involve food. I don't want to take them out on my eating, though. One, one of my very very best friends just moved to australia today for a YEAR to live with a boy she met (oh man!) and I'm going to miss her to pieces. Two, my younger brother who is home for college just left on a trip to london and mexico for a month, and THREE, my program lasts another six weeks (in which time I will probably still be living at home) and my parents have the WORST relationship and it's seriously toxic for me to live in. I want to move out and live with my friend Meredith temporarily (she has some room at her house), but I want to think about something more permanaent for after my program is over - like SAN FRAN or LA or just somewher else in SD. I can't decide which one. I just know that this environment is literally detrimental to my health.

Today my jeans are tighter and I don't look "too thin" at all. I promise you, I have gained weight and I honestly feel like I will be considered "fat" if I gain any more. I am a fine weight now - I have a butt, I have arms - I should just stop right here. Why can't I?
Joni - 130 or even 135 seems like a really low goal weight to me. Don't get me wrong, I know it has been extremely hard for you to gain weight and that probably seems scary to you, but isn't a healthy weight for our height closer to 145, 150, 155, or even 160? Honestly, 135 still seems very, very thin to me. I don't know - what do you think? Is that what you were before? Menstruating?
By the way, are you still allowed zero exercise? Any incidents with the cake lady recently? Haha. What about going out to eat -anything fun and exciting?
We had to eat dinner at IOP yesterday and it was chinese food. ALL FRIED STUFF!!! Lemon chicken (fried) and spicy tofu (fried) and salad and rice. Maybe that is part of the reason why I feel large today. Or it could be the frozen yogurt with graham crackers and 2 malt balls I had afterward? Haha. Whatever.

I still just want to get better, but I am not convinced that gaining a large amount of weight is necessary for me. I am not severely underweight and I am scared that they want me to get huge to be making "progress" ya know?

I'm just sort of blabbing now....
Anyway, hope you're all having a fabulous tuesday!!!! Talk to you soon.......

I can TOTALLY relate to how you are feeling. I feel like at the same time that my parents and friends want to see me eating more and if they see me grabbing a cookie they will think "Good job! That is great!!!" They are also thinking - "ok - that's enough. You just ate a huge meal!" But honestly, that is ED'S interpretation. You have to realize that.
There is no way that anyone will judge you negatively if you have dessert or eat more than other people. If anything, they will be SO happy and proud of you. Imagine if you had a friend who was underweight or struggling to gain weight in recovery...if she ordered dessert after dinner and no one else did wouldn't you be SO happy!!?? It would almost make YOU want to order dessert, too, wouldn't it?? You are right in that you have to pay attention to what YOU need and what YOUR BODY needs b/c every single person is different. They are different shapes, sizes, have different metabolisms, preferences, have eaten different things during the day (or week!), have exercised more or less...the list goes on!!!
Try to put blinders on when you are eating and just focusing on what you want and what you need. That is the only way that you can be consistent and happy.
And great job ignoring the comment your dad made. You KNOW he didn't mean it in a nasty way, but he should also be a little more sensitive to the fact that you are overcoming an eating disorder. If it bothers you to hear things like that, you should tell him nicely so he doesn't do it in the future. I've done that with my parents and it really, really helps.

As far as I'm doing - I'm ok. I went to IOP today and had to have a "surprise" meeting with the director. Apparently, my weight is back to baseline. After I was put on the weight contract my weight went up a small amount and I guess now it is back down again. I swear I am eating more, though...but I'm still exercising some.
I'm really worried. Basically I am supposed to follow my meal plan 100% for the next week and do ZERO exercise and see how that goes. I'm expected to gain weight from here on out or else I'm going to be referred to inpatient and I DEFINITELY do not want to do that.
I just feel like there is always some reason I can't follow the meal plan. This weekend - going to Carmel with a friend, her mom, and her mom's boyfriend. Dinner's out, etc. Next week is the week before fourth of july and I don't wnat to stuff myself AND I have work and IOP everyday...blah blah blah. It's like I just always have some REASON why I can't do it! Do I just say "F-it!" and do it to a T every single day no matter what even if I feel like I am going to DIE!? Or do I trust my excuses as truths and realize that it might make me have a bad time if I overstuff myself on my trip or something like that.
It's also going to be REALLY hard not to exercise AT ALL. I like to be active! I feel like I will just become gelatinous. But by the same token, I DO NOT want to go to inpatient!! What do you guys have to say about that??

It was SO great to hear from you! I'm so happy you quit your part time job b/c it was way too much for you to handle right now. I think you need to be back in that outpatient program, to be honest and nip this dam* thing in the bud, ya know?
Let us know whatyou decide. And don't stress about htis weekend away. ENJOY! LIfe is short, right??? You're going to have a blast. And trust me - one weekend away cannot do AHYTHING.
Talk to you all soon!

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