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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hi all

I have been reading this board for some time and have been amazed at the help and support you all give each other, and needless to say, I would absolutely appreciate some support myself

Ok, where to begin. I have had issues with food for as long as I remember. My sister was anorexic when I was 10 and I think this did not help as I remember even at this age feeling hugely fat next to her (I wasn't remotely fat). My mum has yo yo dieting all her life, she either eats a few pieces of toast a day or eats all day long, yet she always remains over weight.
So in my childhood I either saw my mum eating huge meals, or giving everyone else a normal meal and her only eating the vegetables on something. So as you can see, I have never really seen a *normal* eating patter

Anyway, back to me. I have had issues for as long as I remember but I will concentrate on the last 2 years as that is since I have been the worst - since giving birth to my little boy. Being pregnant felt such a relief to me, it felt like I finally had an excuse to eat so I really did and gained 56 pounds!!! As soon as I had him though I was OBSESSED about getting back to my weight and as a result I was back there within 6 weeks of giving birth - hardly ate and made myself quite ill. I got back to my normal weight which is where I am now...Ii am not underweight..which I feel confuses my issue to me. Apparently I am very slim

Ok, basically my whole life, world and thoughts are controlled by what I am eating, what I am not eating, what I weighed when I first got up, what I weighed after I go to the toilet, what I weigh after a meal, what I am going to weigh the next day, who is eating more than me, who is eating get the picture. Another example is that I am a bridesmaid in August and I don't think about all the good things about it, I think about how fat I am going to be or look, or if I have a slim day what I will look like. A good day for me always starts if I am 'light' on the scales... a bad day if I am heavy. Because of my constant bad eating habits my weight fluctuates about 7 pounds. Because I binged hugely last night, this morning I weighed 7 pounds more than I did the day before that.

To everyone else, I don't appear to have an eating disorder (except my sister as she knows about it all too well). I am a normal weight, and I eat happily in front of others and seem perfectly happy. What people don't see is what goes on behind closed doors. For example, if I know I am going out for a meal with friends it can go one way or another. I can either not eat ANYTHING for 24 hours before so I will eat a proper meal (so then no one would know) or I can think "well, I am going for a meal and will gain weight, look fat anyway, so I shall take advantage and binge just before too".
I have days when I don't eat a thing (to me, a good day), days where I eat 3 meals a day (but that messes my head up and I end up overdosing on laxatives), days where I congratulate myself for not eating anything til 3pm....but then comes a huge binge in the evening, days where I will eat but make myself sick afterwards...the list goes on, I do EVERYTHING. I don't seem to have either anorexia, bulimia etc, I seem to have a big miserable combination of all of them

I am constantly upstairs looking at my stomach in the mirror throughout the day..if I eat a big (or is it normal?) meal I think my collar bones are not sticking out as much as they did before. I am a slave to my mirror and how slim/fat I look

I run alot too, have run marathons and love it, i run competitively but also use it to fuel my eating disorder

I have a terrible problem with bloating. If I eat 'normally' my stomach gets so bloated and uncomfortable. If I have a good day and don't eat, it looks concaved! Is this down to what I do to myself?

My main reasons for wanting to stop this is for my little boy. Like I say he is only 2 and I do not believe he sees what goes on but I want to stop before he does.
Secondly, I just want this nightmare to go for me...its no life :-(

The only thing is, the thought of eating normally TERRIFIES feels like I will loose control and get massively this normal? My sister siad what I will see later on is that I am OUT OF CONTROL now, and will be in control when I am eating normally... is this true?

I have quite a few questions:
-- is this an eating disorder even though I am not underweight?
--will the doctor laugh at me if I tell him this because I am not underweight?
--Is my huge weight fluctuation down to what I do?
--Is my bloating down to what I do to myself?

I also have an issue because I just don't know what normal eating is.... I don't know normal portion sizes..I don't know whether it is 'normal' to say eat 1 sausage roll or 3... I haven't got a clue

I just need some help, but don't know where to turn :-(

Today has been a bad day for me and I feel so disgusting I want to cry :-(

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