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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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oh, i'm here, i'm here! and don't worry, girls (although i totally appreciate the concern and it makes me love ya'll all the more!), i've been totally okay and doing good! i've just been SUPER busy lately (as i think we all have) and, if i must confess, sort of lazy-pants in terms of writing anything back. i've been reading, but not taking the time to post. i'm sorry! but i've been doing well and feeling pretty good/the same and i'm really excited to be writing again. also, i've been looking for a job (which is motivating, but frustrating at the same time), so a LOT of my spare computer time has been devoted to that.

so, where do i begin?!? well, first, let's talk about me (lol!) i've been doing pretty good, like i said. nothing really new, just a lot of the same. i'm ONE friggin' pound away from the "goal" and going pretty dam* near INSANE about it!!! i'm like, "Ugh! Can't i just gain that stinkin' measely little pound so i can stop stuffing myself everyday and actually eat in response to something that resembles hunger/fullness and work on NOT counting calories and REALLY progressing?!?!" But slow and steady wins the race, i suppose. So i'm still eating the "diet" of a 300 pound man, and it's harder with the summer heat, but you know me, i just keep stuffing it in, lol.

my latest struggle has been that i don't *feel* too thin anymore (don't we all...) But i REALLY don't. Before, when i was less weight, i would still have all the "fat" feelings and all that, but deep down, i KNEW that i was too skinny. i could see in the mirror that, despite the fact that i LIKED how thin and "toned" i looked, i WAS too thin. now, i really don't feel that way. i KNOW i'm not fat by any means; that's not what i'm saying. i'm just saying that i honestly 100% believe that i look "average" and "healthy" right now. i look trim and good, but average by anyone's standards; DEFINITELY not too skinny. people don't give me that pitty-ing look anymore, nobody comments on my "naturally thin build" anymore, and this doesn't make me feel bad about myself, but i honestly believe that it's because i DO look healthy and normal and average, NOT "too thin."

so what's to do with this feeling/conviction? because i REALLY believe it. I LOOK NORMAL. and normal people don't have to stuff 3500 calories down their throats everyday regardless of hunger or being stuffed full to gain one STUPID pound so the scale reads a "perfect" number. i just can't help but feel that this is WRONG. it feels wrong, it looks wrong, i can't "logically" justify it, you know? i LOOK NORMAL, not uber, sickly skinny, so why in the heck do i have to gorge on a daily basis to achieve one idiotic pound that OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to come on to my body?!?! i'm frustrated, ladies! basically, i'm wondering how to deal with this "i'm now "normal/average/healthy" looking feeling." cuz that's really how i appear now -- a little flabby in the arms, full in the butt/thighs -- just AVERAGE. so why do i have to eat all this and add MORE flab??? any kind words would REALLY be appreciated, cuz i'm struggling with this internally. i haven't had one of those "yeah, i AM too skinny" moments in FOREVER, and i truly believe it's because i'm NOT too skinny anymore! so how do i feel okay about still trying to gain weight!?!?!

okay, that turned into sort of a rant, but that IS the toughest thing i've been dealing with lately, that feeling. other than that, i've been doing good. went to eric's family's cottage for a long weekend this past weekend and actually did REALLY well and was able to feel surprisingly relaxed with 3 days of "scary" food. it felt great! usually i can "get through" those situations, but this time, i was actually able to relax a little more than usual, which made it even more fun. :) now, a few words for you all and a sincere promise that i WILL write here more often (i feel like i have WAY too much to say!)

[B]pinstriped[/B] - you've been doing REALLY great, kiddo, and happy birthday!!! i wouldn't beat yourself up about looking up the food calories beforehand. obviously, try not to do that in the next similar situation, but hey, it was your birthday, a stressful situation to a pretty high degree, and if that made it a little easier, then so be it for now. plus, it already happened, so no use fretting about it now, you know? plus, GREAT job with the cake! i'm with ls, what flavor? i always get chocolate with chocolate frosting (big surprise, eh?). it's my fav!

[B]girly[/B] - i really liked your last reply to ls and i think i can take a lot from it too. i TOTALLY have that feeling of being the "special exception to the rule of recovering from eating disorders," so it's comforting to know i'm not alone in it. i just feel like i *need* to have an ED and count calories, cuz if i didn't, i'd just lose weight. therefore, it makes me feel like i'm NEVER going to be able to stop counting calories. or even if i can, i'll have to stuff myself full of junk 24/7 just to maintain. i hate it. i never used to be like this, and i don't understand why my body is being so stupid about the weight thing.

anyway, what i really wanted to ask you was something you said in your post -- how your meal plan/snacks were more in terms of calories rather than food groups and how, although that was good at the time for flexibility, it made it more difficult in the end when you tried to stop counting calories. did i get that all right? i'm the same way, my meal plan is 100% about the number of calories and i TOTALLY view food in terms of "calorie numbers." so how on earth did you stop counting calories???? i feel like i'm NEVER going to be able to do it and that's a really disheartening feeling. how, when you were hungry did you choose between the apple (under 100 calories) or the energy bar (250 calories). i feel like i just choose based on how many calories i "need" for that particular snack. but in a no-counting world, i wouldn't be making my choices that way, you know? anyway, any insights into how you did this, how hard it was, etc. would be REALLY helpful. i'm not allowed to stop yet (stupid 3500 is impossible without counting), but i'm afraid that i'm never gonna be able to stop when i want to, you know? anyway, any advice you've got!

[B]ls[/B] - first of all, i am SO proud of you. you seem to finally be taking this more seriously. you still have a LOT of hard work to go (are you actually following the meal plan daily now? if not, do it!), but at least you're getting closer. and you SOUND like you're feeling happier and more confident which helps everything! :) like the others said, NO! that meal plan is NOT a lot of food. it's all SUPER healthy (if i were you, i'd ask for some treats in there!) and it just simply isn't a lot (definitely not "too much") food. so come up with a few options for each meal/snack and go for it! you SHOULD be able to confidently switch between cereal/cottage cheese or tortilla with eggs cuz they BOTH work on your plan. don't lock yourself into only safe foods and eating the same thing every single day. cuz then change/flexibility will be harder in the future. come up with multiple options that fit the plan NOW and then switch between them daily. you don't want to get locked into a "food rut," you know? i've always had multiple "options" like that and i really think it's helpful in the end. although i still count calories, there are NO foods that i fear and i can feel confident with any of my many breakfast options, you know? so yes, expect anxiety at first when you try "new" things, but just trust that it'll go away, cuz i KNOW it will!

ah, the stupid pants scenario. pants suck! there is a good side to this, you get to shop!! but i know it's not as simple as that. i haven't bought jeans in like 2 years with all this crap -- i'm just *waiting* to gain so i can get new ones (mine still fit, but they're all raggedy on the bottoms). so i haven't fully dealt with this yet, but i anticipate it sucking. i have had to get rid of some capris though (i had a REALLY sickly skinny summer before the binging started), so here's how i did that. i waited till i was having one of those "empowered" days before i even TOUCHED them. you know, "i'm fabulous and f*** this ED and i look fantastic (yes, it was a "skinny" day for me) and if these pants don't fit, who cares?!?!?" so i waited till i was in one of *those* moods and then i stripped down and let loose on the pants. i whipped them on and off trying not to think except for "yes" or "no" and tossed the tight (and my God! some of them wouldn't even button, lol!) ones in a pile and kept only a couple pairs. end result? i got rid of the "skinny/anorexic" pants in like 5 minutes and it wasn't painful at all. now, i have like zero pants, but that's okay, you know?! cuz i've been slowly buying more (still hesitant cuz i know somehow i'm supposed to eventually gain at least 6 more pounds, oy). i've been working the gaucho style like never before this summer -- they're loose so i don't "feel fat" in them and they're cheap AND they're stretchy so a couple of pounds forward and they'll still fit, you know? like girly, i plan on having LOOSE pants when i buy them for real. the tight-pants-on-my-thighs feeling triggers MAJOR "I'm fat!" feelings for me, so i figure if i've gotta have slouchy pants for a year or so to not automatically feel like sh** when i dress myself, then so be it. plus, we're tall! wider legs look GREAT on us! so i'd say wait till you're feeling GOOD to deal with the pants issue and embrace a loose, flowing style. i bet you'll look like a million bucks!

i want to keep writing, but this is the definition of EXCESSIVE, so i'll stop. have a good day ya'll and i look forward to reading some replies!

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