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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hey girls,

Just checkin' in. Don't think i have too much to say, but usually when i say that, i end up typing for hours, lol! I wanted to back up what pinstriped said, ls, it makes me SO happy to hear how you're doing lately. it really just brings that warm, happy feeling to my belly and makes me smile. i feel so close to you (well, internet-close, i suppose!) and it's hard to watch someone you care about struggling. it seems like you're really moving forward, obviously still struggling (as we all do), but it just sounds like you're doing much better in terms of everything, you know? anyway, just wanted to throw that in there!

i've been thinking a lot about the whole "meal plan" thing lately, and i've got some questions/issues i want to post out here. i'm really looking for advice/reactions on this, so give me all you've got. basically, because my meal plan is 100% calorie driven (okay, maybe like 90%, health matters too, but not nearly as much), as we've increased my calories, we've just "added" a thing here, substituted a thing here (ie: a 200 calorie thing when it used to be a 100 calorie thing) or increased the overall calorie "total" of a meal (ie: my dinners are now X calories of whatever food i want, instead of Y calories of whatever food.) I do take in substantial "beverage" calories, as those are easy in terms of overall fullness, you know?

so anyway, what's ended up happening is that i am eating A LOT of junk. really, a LOT. and because i'm just not a "salty" person, it's a lot of cookies, brownies, ice cream, chocolate bars, etc. IN ADDITION to regular food. i don't have a problem with the "junk food" aspect per say (i've never had "fear foods," just "fear calorie numbers," i suppose), but i'm just feeling like this isn't right and isn't working. what girlygirl was saying before about eating higher calorie foods instead of low calorie ones, i feel like i do that 100% on a daily basis. i still eat "low calorie" foods like fruits and veggies, but they're in conjunction with other stuff (cheese, PB, sauce) to raise the overall calories, you know? plus, they're healthy, and amongst all the sweets, i gotta get some vitamins and minerals, you know?

so anyways, don't read into this wrong, but basically what i'm wondering is whether i need to seriously overhaul my meal plan. NOT because i fear junk food, not at all. But because i'm literally eating cheesecake, a brownie, a few cookies, a candy bar and maybe a couple little chocolates in a day (as well as lots of food and drinks). EVERY day. and that just doesn't seem good, does it? even as i'm typing this, i'm second-guessing myself, because frankly, i LIKE eating all those sweets and i don't want to stop. :) but seriously, it's EVERY SINGLE DAY. it's not healthy, you know? i'm no "health queen," but i worry i may be doing more harm than good by doing it this way, you know?

anyway, in therapy this saturday, my therapist told me she wants me to increase my protein because maybe all the "empty" sugar calories are why i'm not gaining weight normally. (and yes, i already eat a good amount of protein ... i like my meat!) so she wants me to sub out some sweets for protein stuff (she got particularly excited about cheese and eggs) so, how do i feel about this? i don't like it. imagine, 8 pm at night, i'm already FULL from the day/dinner, and i have a choice between a hardboiled egg and cheese OR oreos. seriously, what would you want? i've been having all that sweet stuff and enjoying it (cuz it's yummy!) and now i'm supposed to snack (when i'm not hungry, keep in mind) on CHEESE?!? i don't even LIKE cheese or eggs that much. so i am NOT liking this. i agree with the THEORY of eating more protein and i think its a great idea, but in practice? i hate it, i really do. don't berate me for this, but i REALLY hate it. if i'm eating more protein foods at MEALS when i'm not already full and just munching to get more calories, i don't mind it at all. but eating stuff i don't really like just to get calories in? i don't like it. i dont' mind being really full to get the calories in, but i want to be full off of foods i LIKE, not ones i'm "eh" on, you know?

so anyways(listen up, LS, i need input on this part!), i'm wondering if maybe i should ask if i can get a nutritionist and get a whole new, more BALANCED, meal plan instead of this chaotic "arrangement" i'm sticking to now. i'm thinking how LS's plan doesn't revolve around calories, but around food groups balanced throughout the day. i like that (a lot actually!) i'd rather be consuming these "extra" calories without having to think, "okay, now a brownie. then, in 45 minutes, cheese and crackers." i'd rather think about snacks, meals, treats and food in general in a healthier way (which it sounds like LS's plan encourages). do you all get what i mean?

but then i wonder if that'd work for me too, because i'm already VERY comfortable with ALL foods. like, if you want donuts for breakfast, LS, what does that count as? just one starch per donut? cuz then you'd have to still eat that other stuff and possibly end up REALLY full when all you wanted was two donuts for breakfast (which IS what normal people would eat, not two donuts, a yogurt, an apple and some cereal, you know?) and what if they're donut holes? or what about a jumbo muffin vs. a regular sized muffin? how does all that stuff work? plus, what about "combo" foods, like pizza or tacos? what do you count that as? and are you allowed to just eat pizza for dinner, or do you have to add in things like veggies/meat that might not be on the pizza? do you get where i'm going? i want to ask for a nutritionist maybe, but i DON'T want to lose the FLEXIBILITY in eating that i have now (by only counting calories). if i want donuts, i want donuts. i don't want "one starch, one dairy, two fats, one protein, etc.," you know?

so basically, i want to maintain the flexibility of calorie-counting (ironic, huh?) but restore some of the health that your plan seems to provide (which my plan SERIOUSLY lacks). what do i do girls??? please throw in ANY input you have and thank you SO much for reading this ... see what happens when i don't have anything to say?!?! talk to you all soon!

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