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Re: SO full!
Jul 28, 2006
hey dudes, i'm here and i've got a lot to say (mainly to ls, but the stuff i'm planning on writing will probably be helpful to all of us, even me, lol!)

so back to the beginning of this thread, no way, ls, that was not enough food and i know you know that. i think you even knew that as you posted it, am i right? you know what is/is not enough/healthy by now, right? in terms of fullness, honestly, i don't really buy it. or if i DO buy that you were "so full," then i feel more worried for you because i fear that your treatment hasn't helped you as much as it should have. here's why: by this point in your treatment, IF you'd followed your meal plan even relatively regularly, then that day would NOT have made you full. i'm sorry, it just wouldn't have. that was not NEARLY enough food for someone your age/weight/exercise habits/height, and if you had actually worked on retraining/refeeding your body, you would realize that now (ie: you'd feel HUNGRY eating that little food). that makes me worried, cuz i feel like your hesitance to follow the plan you've been given is REALLY screwing up your perception of a "normal" day's worth of food, you know?

regardless of anything else, you have GOT to learn to follow that plan, hon. day in and day out, no excuses. look at how long it's been and you still feel "so full" eating probably 50% of what you're supposed to eat?!? it's hurting your recovery, babe, and it worries me. i think girlygirl is right when she says that, even if it means eating nearly the EXACT same foods every day for weeks, you have to do it to learn to properly feed your body. when i first started eating more, that's pretty much what i did. for example, breakfast was cereal or oatmeal with a yogurt and fruit. EVERY SINGLE DAY. now? i'll eat (and do regularly eat) anything! cereal (any kind), oatmeal, eggs, toast with whatever on it, bagels, pop-tarts, donuts, you name it. but i didn't START there. i started on A) cereal or B) oatmeal. anything else was WAY too scary, so yeah, for a couple weeks at least (probably more), i ate one of those two every single day. then i worked up the nerve for bagels with cream cheese and added them into the rotation. then later, toast with peanut butter, then donuts, etc. but it took TIME to do that and regardless of ANYTHING else, i made sure i was always sticking to my plan, you know? so i didn't haul off and start twisting and turning my meal plan right away, cuz i knew it'd make me WAY too nervous and anxious and i'd probably "skip" some things in my plan. i started safe and VERY monotonous and comfortable, but i routinely branched out in little ways.

so basically what i'm trying to say is that you NEED to start out following that strict plan and eating those same few foods every day if necessary. and not until you can regularly do that (which you haven't done yet) can you start playing around and varying things, k?

in terms of "fullness," make a rule: if you ate EVERYTHING on the plan, then you can moan to yourself about how full you are. if you didn't, check that voice and tell yourself that regardless of how you think you feel, you did NOT eat enough. you keep letting that feeling (which i'm 99% sure is ED-driven, not LS-driven) stop you and that needs to stop. if ED is full and telling you not to eat all the food, tell him to bugger off. if you eat all the food on your plan, then you can feel a little bad if you've gotta (but i've got a feeling you won't feel so crappy, cuz like i said, it's ED that feels "stuffed," not you)

Carbs. you need to talk to your dietician about this. THEY ARE NOT BAD. yet you routinely avoid them. that needs to stop and you and your dietician need to find a way to get you eating them regularly and feeling comfortable with it. (and by the way, the "comfortable" feeling usually COMES from eating a food enough times that you stop fearing it. so fight it off, hon!)

okay, last but certainly not least, the OBSESSION with dessert. i TOTALLY used to have this (and have gotten over it), so i feel like i've got a lot of 1st hand experience ya'll can draw from. i always had ONE big dessert every night (and NO others), and i'd plan them out days in advance, look forward to them all day, barely taste my dinner because i was so excited for Ho-Hos, etc. so yes, i FULLY understand and remember what you all are talking about. will it go away? yep, it will! quickly? probably not (at least it didn't for me) but the good thing is that it WILL go away, but you've gotta get healthier first.

a few of my thoughts on the subject: why do you crave it SO badly? well first, because you deprive yourself all day. you A) aren't eating enough REGULARLY, so your body is hungry and B) aren't allowing yourself ALL foods, so your body wants those "off limits" foods. and since you won't even give it ANY off-limits foods (like ice cream), it'll crave the next best thing (frozen yogurt) like CRAZY until you get it. until you're at a healthy weight and eating enough every single day, i don't think that obsession will start to fade. and also, until you ALLOW yourself ALL foods (not just SUPER healthy ones), you won't stop being obsessed with your ONE dessert. get me? would you ever eat oreos or ICE CREAM instead of frozen yogurt? until you will, you won't stop obsessing over it. would you ever eat a Hershey's after lunch AND plan on having dessert after dinner? until you have that FREEDOM in allowing yourself those foods when you want them, then you will continue to be completely OBSESSED with your one TREAT throughout the day.

just think: when everything else you eat is light/healthy/diety/BORING, then you're gonna WAIT till your one chance to ENJOY your food. i know it sounds weird, but i believe that your reluctance to eat something like pizza is directly related to your frozen yogurt obsession. because you choose the "grilled chicken salad, dressing on the side" when you REALLY want the burger and fries, then your brain will just start obsessing over when it gets something it actually WANTS (ie: the dessert)

so what can you do? wait it out and keep trying. keep sticking to the plan and pushing yourself, both in terms of the foods you eat for meals and in terms of dessert. it doesn't ALWAYS have to be frozen yogurt, you know? when's the last time you ate oreos? seriously, when? i think you need to PLAN 3 non-frozen yogurt desserts this week and then actually eat them, you know? so just keep challenging yourself and switching things up and i promise, it WILL fade eventually. (now that's not to say i DON'T look forward to my chocolate cake at night, lol! i'll always love my sweets! it's just that i don't start thinking about it the minute i fall out of bed, you know?)

okay, i really gotta go! talk to you all soon and hope this helps!
Re: SO full!
Jul 29, 2006
Joni-
Your advice always helps me so much b/c I feel like we have such similar thought patterns. I'm sure you're absolutely right about the dessert thing, but I guess I deny the fact that I deprive myself during the day b/c I truly feel like I'm eating so much! I don't remember the last time I said "I'm going to have a brownie after dinner tonight!" and felt 100% ok with that. The frozen yogurt is something I really love, but it's also SAFE. I started telling people in my group the other day that it was ice cream I was addicted to b/c I was embarassed that it was just frozen yogurt and I knew they would say it was fine. So I told them it was ice cream to see what they would say then. That is not normal b/c I made them think I am eating ice cream every single night and I'm not!...it's frozen yogurt!!
Let's take today for example...
Breakfast was Egg beaters scrambled with LF cheese in a wheat tortilla and orange juice
Then I had coffee with nonfat milk and a granola bar as a snack
Lunch was 3 rye crackers with 1/2 cup LF cottage cheese and 1-1.5c of this waldorf chicken salad (walnuts, grapes, celery, LF mayo - at least I think lowfat)
Then I had an apple as a snack later.
And dinner was a teriyaki rice bowl. I just got home from being out (had about 2 drinks) and was really hungry (but I HATE eating when I get home so late) so I had some crackers and a bowl of cottage cheese, mango, and blueberries. WHY DO I FEEL BAD?
I think it's because I have these strict guidelines in my head as to what is "normal" and when I stray from them, I feel gross. But, like you said, I should be able to fight those feelings off now that I am through with my Outpatient Program and have learned new coping skills. The truth is, I am MUCH better at identifying my emotions, I HAVE restored some weight, and I am all-around "better," if you want to call it that...but I still have Ed asserting his opinion right and left!

I sort of get scared sometimes, Joni, because I honestly think you are right. I've almost convinced myself and lied to myself that I follow my meal plan 100% and I'm on my way to "normality," but really, I don't and so therefore I am not. My MP breakfast is 2 carbs, 2 protein, 1 fat, 1 fruit and 1 dairy. That started out as 2 pieces of toast, 2 eggs, cheese, and fruit and has slowly dwindled to 1 wheat tortilla, egg beaters, LF cheese and sometimes juice. I know that's not THAT different, but it's those little changes that I can't afford to make b/c they are what I NEED to push me over the edge right? I just can't imagine my life being controlled by this ED any longer. It makes me sad to even imagine. Yeah, maybe I'm not deathly thin anymore and obviously sick, but I am still very conscious of this disease and it still affects me tremendously day in and day out. I truly wish I could meet you and you could help me tackle this b/c it's SO hard. Especially when I compare what I HAVE to eat to what my friends eat and I feel like a huge cow. Howcome I HAD to eat dinner tonight before we went out drinking, but they didn't? Howcome I make eggs every single morning and they can run out the door on empty? It just frustrates me!
I'm scared now that my program is over and I'm on my own, basically. I guess this will be the true test to see if I can keep it together on my own. I'm honestly praying that I can.

How are YOU? How is the job going? Acting? Boyfriend? Still in Chicago? Have things gotten easier with your ED? Have you restored more weight? I hope you're happy and healthy - write again soon....
XO
LS





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