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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

im 18 and since i was 14 ive had food issues. ive always hated my body(however i was apparently sexually abused),bin shy and dont like people close to me or touching me, i feel every1 is watching me constantly analysing my many imperfections, i cant walk down a street or watch a movie without comparing myself to sum1. this gets me very down-especialy on holiday(sumdays i didnt want to gout, or get dressed up). ive hidden most of this, i never ever share my feelings and have hidden depression and self harm for 4 years nearly.

the thing is, i do karate and i am the only girl in the class, i have a coach who just seems to think im a stupid little girl, he is very hands on as he's a coach. but i dont like him cos he's so pass remarkative, my freind also noticed this. he looks people up and down (wen were outta class), he is always harping on about improving fitness, and the other day commented on that i cud be slim and a really good fighter if i worked and got my fitness up. he talked of diets and what i shudnt have and all that. i was absoulutlety seething underneath and inbetween the nods and 'uh huh' never leave the club cos its so handy and i like it, the people r great apart from this coach, he can be so nice and then so rude and carless the next-its a love hate thing.

at 14 i was slightly overweight, i hated myself so i stopped eating. id have a cereal bar and two slices of toast a day. most days i had in total 600 cals and i was thrilled if i ate less, i felt acheivment if i went to bed starving-it became a feeling of accomplishment. i wud exercise constantly, walking 6/7 times a day, which wen i add it up was maybe 2/3 miles a day,i was then doing the gym three times a week(thats all i cud get to it-if i cudve went more id have lived there), i was doing my own pilates, aerobics and using punchbags and weights as well as karate twice a week,hockey team in skool and games classes, i weighed myself 6 or more times a day and measured myself more times a day. food and exercise took over my mind, i counted up calories constantly, i ate alone so i wudnt have to consume much. freinds and family started to notice cos i lost three stone way to fast. but i never ever went underweight just average and this carried on for nearly three years-y cud i not be underweight. i hated myelf more for this. i grew pale and pasty looking, my skin was dry, i was cold and tired with dark sunken eyes, at the same time i was hiding depression. sumtimes i wud attempt to purge but i cudnt manage to do it.

eventually i had to eat, i cudnt keep up with the nagging, the fights and i was beyond mortifyied that people were drawing attention to my body, poking me and grabbing me, commenting, i felt people wer staring saying'she is not too skinny, she is too fat-what r they talking about she shud loose sum'. i still struggle, i have put on weight and am nearing overweight again, i feel massive and disgusting i sumtimes alomost cry, i cant fit into the clothes i once wore and i dnt wana go out sumtimes-but i eat normal and it doesnt work, i exercise too and it doesnt work -y!!!!

neway, my coaches comments make me want to run to the nearest toilet and puke, or just not eat. i get so angry with myself for getting like this. i do sumtimes not eat still, other times i eat to much and feel so guilty and hate myself again. my coach wanted to measure us to see our progress and get us in shape,i cannot handle that! i havnt got on the scales or measured since i stopped the obbsessivness, im still obbsessed a bit but i dont take action over my thoughts often, if i look at the scales or get measured infront of people, have to give out my measurments or even wrap one round my own waist or even find out other peoples measurements i will fall backwards again(altho sumtimes i want to). how do i tell my arrogant coach this, he's fit and likes himself for it, he is always looking me up and down and i hate it so much, he has no idea what it is like and i feel aone and like the world is rallying against me cos im fat and every1 else is pretty. i read up about a condition called eating disorders not otherwise specified(pls any1 who has this!???), its were u have all the symptoms of anorexia but dont go underweight-u r essentially anorexic but not underweight-i fitted the symptoms. i wud never tell ne1 this unless i had to for my own sake and god love them if they told ne1 else-but i dont know if i shud tell him i had an eating disorder if i actually didnt, what if i didnt and then id just be whinging or making myself look like an attention seeking tragic drama queen. plz help, did i have a disorder, what shud i do about my coach-i have never bin to a doc and dont fancy going to one so u cant really say u had an eating disorder then unless ur diagnosed rite?? xox thanx

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