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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Rough Day
Aug 29, 2006
This has been the worst start to a day in a long time. Im feeling awful and down in the dumps. One of my colleagues just laid into me this morning about something that I helped him with but because I didnt have the answer apparently I didnt do anyhting. I feel so put down and I feel like Im being watched and the worst thing is this stupid person is new...ive been here longer and deserve more respect than that.
I feel so alone. Last night I only got home at 7pm and was starving, usually I can hold off the hunfer but i had toe at something so I did and then spent the next hal;f hour trying tot hrow it up before hurting my throat...it was so pointless and it made me feel so much more out of control..now I know i really cannot afford to eat anything at all now...it just makes things worse. I dont knwo why I feel so alone but I do...im willing time to pass so that I can see the doc again...its on monday...before i didnt even want to see her...now I feel so desperate, im almost wishing i would just collapse, that my body would give in so i wouldnt have to think about anything. I got my period too which makes things ten times worse for me...why do I have to have it...whyyy..the only thing that makes me happy is that even thought I put on serious water weight when i have my period, my weight is stilll staying low, which means when it stops next week, ill probably weigh less...im scared of going to the doc and weighing more than 118lbs.....if i weigh more then im too overweight to fit their diagnosis in my mind...Im already too overweight as it is...i feel hidoues..part of me feels like cutting myself and inscribing the words fat all over my body ebcause I am so replulsive. I dont want to do anyhting anymore, I want to hide away..im isolating from my friends and family...i feel like i need space but no space is enough space and its driving me mad inside.I can lie in my room all on my own and still feel suffocated.Part of me wants to take every single bit of furniture in my room and clear it all out so that its just me a bed, my cupboards..no pictures nothing, bare white walls....maybe mimicking the way that i feel inside at the moment..i want to be bare and pure and non tainted with all this fatness........
i feel so low.....dammit!:blob_fire





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