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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hey, girl, congrats on the move! How's LA and the new job??? Is it really a lot of work or are you falling into the groove already? (I've heard about those ad agencies, lol!) Anyway, tell me more about it when you get a chance!

I'm really glad i noticed this thread (haven't been on in awhile), cuz i think you need a SERIOUS reality check on the food part of things. (i always feel like i'm harping on you about this and i hope you understand that i just want you to recover, k?) anyway, i'm surprised that girly or dawg or pinstriped haven't hit on this one yet either. (oh, those busy holiday weekends!) to all you girls, back me up if you see fit, k?

ls, what the he**?!?! seriously, girl. i don't even know where to start. you are absolutely starving yourself and (aside from the happiness part) you've fallen back to exactly the point you were BEFORE your treatment program. so where'd all that work go? i don't even really know what to say. i think you need to drop the "happiness=recovery" mentality for one thing. yes, in recovery, we DO become happier, that's true. but in NO WAY does happiness mean you're recovered. recovery is A LOT more than that and i think you assume that as long as you feel happy, you're doing fine (which in my opinion at least, you aren't). recovery = eating normally, healthily and ENOUGH, flexibility in food, exercising in moderation, acceptance of your body image, etc. happiness is a mere by-product, you know? so stop measuring your recovery by a mere feeling of happiness, okay?

part two i guess is the food. YES, you need your meal plan. for the love of God, you need a friggin' meal plan. without a meal plan, you IMMEDIATELY resort to the anorexia 101 diet. he**, even WITH the plan, you still eat like an anorexic NOT in recovery ("diet foods," skipping parts of the plan you claim to follow, etc.) so you NEED to figure out how to convince yourself to re-learn how to eat healthily. your program, therapist and nutritionist didn't seem to do it or help you do it, so i really don't know what to say. you HAVE to figure this out or you will never get better, hon.

that day you posted was disgusting. (if it means anything, my ED voice is actually JEALOUS that you got to eat that little for a day. seriously. something like, "she gets to starve herself and lose weight and i don't, blech." i'm easily able to combat that voice by realizing that i would HATE to starve myself all day and only eat diet foods when i do eat, but still. that plan is the "diet" of an anorexic.) what happened to breakfast? what happened to actually EATING or snacking when hungry? who the f*** eats salad without dressing when they're STARVING and then says she thinks she doing "fine" and "normal" on the eating part? why do you NEVER have cheese (a completely normal food) on burritos??? how can you NOT realize that this is NOT NOT NOT anywhere near healthy/recovered/normal?!?!?

my inner b**ch is coming out (obviously) and i'm sorry, but i'm frustrated. i don't know how you're ever gonna get better, honestly. you have NEVER stuck to your plan so a starvation diet still keeps you "satisfied" throughout the day and you think you're doing fine. all i can tell you is that you're not. not even close. happy or miserable, your eating disorder is winning 100% of the time and you seem to be making no effort to change that.

and in terms of your weight, what is it? seriously, we're the same height so i KNOW what "healthy" is, so what is the actual number? if you're saying, "I don't think I should gain weight still," then i want to see that friggin' number and KNOW that that's true. obviously, i don't believe that's possible at all. given what you've been eating (or i suppose i should say "not eating") over the past couple months, it simply isn't possible that you could've gained the 15+ pounds needed to get you to a healthy weight. just because ED is happy with your weight now does NOT mean it's healthy and you shouldn't have to gain weight anymore. c'mon ls, you know that.

i'm sorry i'm off and running in jonistyle tirade mode, but i really want to get these points across to you. i don't want to just be a pain in the a$$ criticizing you all the time, i just REALLY want you to get better, k?

on a happier note, i have started NOT COUNTING CALORIES!!!! it's pretty friggin' cool. i developed a meal plan that's VERY flexible (i need my options!) but basically guarantees i'll fall between 2700-3500 calories a day. My therapist said "Do it!" so i am and it feels SO free! it's really hard for me to do REALLY stupid things like spread PB on toast, but i'm working on continuously challenging myself and basically just following my motto of "just do it." anyway, certain things are harder than others, but it feels remarkably un-difficult. i thought it'd be SO challenging, but really, i just stick within my plan and know that i'm doing okay. kinda cool! anyway, i hope you can take some of my advice to heart and i'd love to hear more about the job! talk to you soon!
Hi Everyone!
Wow - I don't think I've been this MIA from the boards in a very long time. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing - haha.
Anyway, thanks for all of your encouragement about my move and my new job. I absolutely LOVE where I am living now, and, as for my job, well, it's basically become my life. I wake up, eat breakfast, to go work until 7pm, come home, eat dinner, go to bed at 10:30 or 11. Then repeat. It's only been one week, but I've already been SO busy and I feel like I've been working for months! I am working at an advertising agency and I'm on a team of about 10 people and I love them all. One of my supervisors is this big black woman (no offense meant at all) and she is just so carefree and out there! I love her! We have reps take us out to lunch and dinner a lot (to shmooze) and I am all conservative and make sure not to order the most expensive thing on the menu and she's ordering appetizers, steak, and taking things to go - haha - it's hysterical. Talk about confidence - this woman has so much of it! It's really refreshing.
So besides wishing I had more free time to a) do fun things b) exercise and c) just THINK, I am loving my job and life at the moment.
Joni - I know you're in the same industry and I'd LOVE to tell you more about what I'm doing, but I don't want to bore everyone on here. I wish we could email or something!

So about my eating. I COMPLETELY understand everyone's concern, but I just feel like since I've always been a very healthy eater even before ED, I'll never be able to order nachos and cheeseburgers on a whim. Of course, getting dressing on a salad and eating cheese on a burrito would probably be a good place for me to get to, but I honestly just don't think I will lose all my inhibitions -even once ED is completely a thing of the past. I am so happy and I feel like I am a lot more in control of ED (and more flexible, too), but at the same time, he's still ragging on me almost every single day at one point or another.
Today, for example, we went out to lunch for a co-worker's farewell. We went to this gross Hawaiian BBQ place where they served huge platters of meat, rice, cole slaw, and get this - SPAM sushi! No joke. So anyway, I ordered the "healthy chicken breast bowl" and it was basically 3 cups of white rice and sliced chicken breast with teriyaki sauce. Everyone ordered different things and I couldn't help but compare. I definitely ordered one of the healthier things of anyone, but since I ate most of it I felt guilty afterwards (even though I wasn't extremely full). I left some of the chicken and ate about 1/2 the rice. For breakfast I had sliced mango and peaches with LF cottage cheese and about 2 cups of coffee with nf milk (overdid it for sure - haha). I went out to happy hour after work at like 7 and had 2 beers. Everyone ordered greasy appetizers like fries, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, and potato skins, but I didn't eat any of them. To be honest, I wasn't hungry, but I wouldn't have touched them even if I was. When I got home (9ish) I still wasn't starving, but I made a big salad for dinner with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, avocado, LF ranch dressing and grilled tofu. It was pretty big, so it filled me up, and then I had frozen yogurt and a handful of M&Ms for dessert.
Sorry to go through my whole day, but here is why I did it: I feel bad about today. But why? That is what I can't figure out. Do I even have a reason to? Or do you think I am letting ED make me feel bad? I feel bad about the lunch for some reason, then I feel bad about the dinner and mostly I feel bad about the's like if it isn't one thing it's another.
And about the exercise thing, I can't STAND the thought of not being able to run, so I've gotten up early the past 2 days and gone before work. I didn't go today b/c I was way too drained, but I just had to make myself do it the other days. I just fear that I will balloon out if I don't exercise and sit at a desk all day, ya know? It's not even comfortable to do that!!! Joni, I know you know what I mean.
I have not at all been following the meal plan that I had before. I don't really eat snacks if I don't "have" to and I definitely don't eat as big of a breakfast as I was before. But I can tell I am more ravenous at the end of the day, so maybe I should start doing that again.
I am just rambling now...don't really know what I'm trying to say...I just don't know where to go from here. And Joni, per your question, I don't know exactly what I weigh b/c I have sworn off the scale, but I'm guessing it's somewhere in between 130 and 135 - maybe like 133 or something. So how can YOU eat a million calories a day and be so "free" and I fret and fret about what I eat and I have gained weight even faster than you could!!??
I know, I know -everyone is different...but it's just frustrating! That is why I can't do what you do and just "do it" b/c who knows how it will affect ME? Ya know?

Right now I'm full from dinner and dessert and ALL I can think about is how many calories were in the M&Ms I ate and what time I should get up to go running tomorrow...THAT is what I hate. But to be honest, other than that, I am SO happy you guys. I really am....

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