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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

Hi Everyone!
Wow - I don't think I've been this MIA from the boards in a very long time. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing - haha.
Anyway, thanks for all of your encouragement about my move and my new job. I absolutely LOVE where I am living now, and, as for my job, well, it's basically become my life. I wake up, eat breakfast, to go work until 7pm, come home, eat dinner, go to bed at 10:30 or 11. Then repeat. It's only been one week, but I've already been SO busy and I feel like I've been working for months! I am working at an advertising agency and I'm on a team of about 10 people and I love them all. One of my supervisors is this big black woman (no offense meant at all) and she is just so carefree and out there! I love her! We have reps take us out to lunch and dinner a lot (to shmooze) and I am all conservative and make sure not to order the most expensive thing on the menu and she's ordering appetizers, steak, and taking things to go - haha - it's hysterical. Talk about confidence - this woman has so much of it! It's really refreshing.
So besides wishing I had more free time to a) do fun things b) exercise and c) just THINK, I am loving my job and life at the moment.
Joni - I know you're in the same industry and I'd LOVE to tell you more about what I'm doing, but I don't want to bore everyone on here. I wish we could email or something!

So about my eating. I COMPLETELY understand everyone's concern, but I just feel like since I've always been a very healthy eater even before ED, I'll never be able to order nachos and cheeseburgers on a whim. Of course, getting dressing on a salad and eating cheese on a burrito would probably be a good place for me to get to, but I honestly just don't think I will lose all my inhibitions -even once ED is completely a thing of the past. I am so happy and I feel like I am a lot more in control of ED (and more flexible, too), but at the same time, he's still ragging on me almost every single day at one point or another.
Today, for example, we went out to lunch for a co-worker's farewell. We went to this gross Hawaiian BBQ place where they served huge platters of meat, rice, cole slaw, and get this - SPAM sushi! No joke. So anyway, I ordered the "healthy chicken breast bowl" and it was basically 3 cups of white rice and sliced chicken breast with teriyaki sauce. Everyone ordered different things and I couldn't help but compare. I definitely ordered one of the healthier things of anyone, but since I ate most of it I felt guilty afterwards (even though I wasn't extremely full). I left some of the chicken and ate about 1/2 the rice. For breakfast I had sliced mango and peaches with LF cottage cheese and about 2 cups of coffee with nf milk (overdid it for sure - haha). I went out to happy hour after work at like 7 and had 2 beers. Everyone ordered greasy appetizers like fries, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, and potato skins, but I didn't eat any of them. To be honest, I wasn't hungry, but I wouldn't have touched them even if I was. When I got home (9ish) I still wasn't starving, but I made a big salad for dinner with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, avocado, LF ranch dressing and grilled tofu. It was pretty big, so it filled me up, and then I had frozen yogurt and a handful of M&Ms for dessert.
Sorry to go through my whole day, but here is why I did it: I feel bad about today. But why? That is what I can't figure out. Do I even have a reason to? Or do you think I am letting ED make me feel bad? I feel bad about the lunch for some reason, then I feel bad about the dinner and mostly I feel bad about the's like if it isn't one thing it's another.
And about the exercise thing, I can't STAND the thought of not being able to run, so I've gotten up early the past 2 days and gone before work. I didn't go today b/c I was way too drained, but I just had to make myself do it the other days. I just fear that I will balloon out if I don't exercise and sit at a desk all day, ya know? It's not even comfortable to do that!!! Joni, I know you know what I mean.
I have not at all been following the meal plan that I had before. I don't really eat snacks if I don't "have" to and I definitely don't eat as big of a breakfast as I was before. But I can tell I am more ravenous at the end of the day, so maybe I should start doing that again.
I am just rambling now...don't really know what I'm trying to say...I just don't know where to go from here. And Joni, per your question, I don't know exactly what I weigh b/c I have sworn off the scale, but I'm guessing it's somewhere in between 130 and 135 - maybe like 133 or something. So how can YOU eat a million calories a day and be so "free" and I fret and fret about what I eat and I have gained weight even faster than you could!!??
I know, I know -everyone is different...but it's just frustrating! That is why I can't do what you do and just "do it" b/c who knows how it will affect ME? Ya know?

Right now I'm full from dinner and dessert and ALL I can think about is how many calories were in the M&Ms I ate and what time I should get up to go running tomorrow...THAT is what I hate. But to be honest, other than that, I am SO happy you guys. I really am....

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