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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Curious
Jan 17, 2001
I am curious about something and I thought I'd throw it out there and see if anyone has any insight. I have struggled with my weight since puberty, but throughout most of my life have been able to maintain an "average" weight with the exception of a year-long period a few years back where I climbed up to 175lbs. No matter what though, I've never been satisfied that I am thin enough and am always looking to lose another 10 lbs or so.

I got pregnant in June and became terrified of the weight I was going to gain. I read everything I could get my hands on to find out how much of a weight gain was considered "normal" and at what rate the weight should go on. I lost the baby in September and immediately set out to lose the weight I had put on. I was at that time weighing in at 140lbs. (I am 5'2) That sounds like a lot, I know, but it wasn't too terrible as I was wearing a size 6. I was unhappy, but didn't feel like a complete blimp or anything. Anyhow, I became somewhat obsessive about my weight and had quickly dropped down to 130lbs., which has been my average for about the last 4 years.

In October, I picked up an old habit--cocaine--and then in December I started doing crystal meth and now am experiencing an addiction to that drug. Because of the drugs, I now weigh 115 and am wearing a size 2. I have had people at work and my Doctor ask me if I am purging because of the weight loss, my parents are scared to death and my boyfriend is extremely concerned. My brand new psycologist asked me if I was purging too and it completely came out of nowhere. People are telling me that I look horrible and that I am too thin, my clothes all hang off me, but I still feel like I'm fat and I don't understand why other people are so concerned about it. 115 is not that thin for someone my height, I would like to lose another 10 lbs.--105 would be great. All of my male friends are constantly commenting on how great I look which leads me to wonder if the negative comments are rooted in jealousy?

Anyhow, I'm getting off track. I try to stay under 1200 calories a day when I am eating and I experience such a great feeling of accomplishment when I go to bed and can say I only had 600 calories that day. Someone else talked about liking going to bed hungry-I can relate. I LOVE to get that empty feeling in my stomach. I know once I get that emptiness, the urge to eat will go away.

I have been doing meth about 4-5 days a week and use diet pills on the days in between to control my hunger. I usually eat once a day, right after work in the evenings. When I saw my psycologist the other day, she asked me if I wanted to get off the meth and I told her no. I'm terrified of what a meth addiction could do to my life, but I'm more terrified of gaining weight and I know that if I get off the meth I will gain weight.

I have posted on other boards about my addiction, but I guess the reason I wanted to post here is because I am curious as to whether it would be considered an eating disorder to use meth in this way or if any of you have ever had any experience with this. I am greatly concerned because drugs have always been an issue with me and so has my weight and now that the two are meshing together, I'm afraid I'm lost.

Sorry for rambling, but everything is haywire right now and it's hard to make a complete thought come together.





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