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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Am I Bulemic?
Feb 28, 2001
I'm 17 years old, and overweight (not just in my head). since December, i've been throwing up my food, everytime i eat, or at least almost everytime i eat. i find it difficult to hide my throwing up all of the time. my boyfriend takes me out to eat almost every night..usually to Burger King, and i tell him to take me home right after. i don't tell him why, but i need to go home right away so i'll throw it up before i gain the weight. He lives with me and my mom, and it's really extremely hard to hide it from him. he caught me taking Ipacac Syrup and Laxatives. he asked why i needed them, and i told him to leave me alone. he found out i was throwing up for a little while...but i told him i stopped, and i think he believes me. i stash my Ipacac syrup, laxatives and 7 different kinds of weight loss pills where no one can find them. my mom knows i throw up...or at least she did know...but she didn't say anything. one time i threw up and she said "When you're done, shut down the lights before bed". i don't think she cared. now eating in front of people is so hard i've totally stopped going to school and am proceeding in homeschooling. i feel their eyes watching me. everytime i eat...i feel someone looking at me..i feel them thinking "oh my god...look at what she's eating." i went out to eat with my aunt and i ordered fried shrimp and she said "I thought you weren't supposed to eat greasy foods?" and that just did it for me. i had it boxed up to go and told her i wasn't hungry. i had only eaten 5 of the shrimp off my plate..and i had to go in the bathroom and i actually threw it all up making sure i threw every last morsel up until i got dry heeves. she came into burger king when me and my boyfriend were eating and i could FEEEL her eyes watching me. i could FEEEL her thoughts about my food. i threw it out and when i got home..i threw up again. now i don't like to eat in restaraunts. my family doesn't eat at the table, unless it's a holiday. on Christmas day, my cousin (who is protective of me) saw that i wasn't eating much. i said i wasn't hungry and went upstairs and didn't come back down for a while. i was throwing up my food out the window on the roof, and washing it off with water from a water bottle. i've noticed changes in my body. my hands and face are all rashed out. my knuckles on my right hand for my index and middle fingers are swollen, chapped, and cut from my teeth. my nails are purplish-greyish-white. my stomach hurts really bad all the time. right in my abdomen i feel cramps so bad sometimes i can't even move. i count my calories, and i always take offense to fat jokes, or anything someone says that sounds like it's directed to my weight. i'm always looking up information about eating disorders. when i eat..if i don't throw it up..i can feel my food "crawling" around in my body. i can almost feel the fat being packed on me if i eat and don't throw up. i get cravings beyond belief. i crave fatty cheesecake and gummy bears and popcorn with butter. i dream about being in big luxurious halls filled with food and people. in the dreams i'm usually somehow bound up and being stuffed with all my favorite foods...and i can't throw it up because there's no where to go..and if i do, people will find out my secret. i can't go anywhere because i'm bound up. i've literally stopped socialization with all my friends. i had to stop going to public school because i can't throw it up at school because i'll get caught and it will all be known. but i always thought you can't have bulemia unless you've done it for at least a year and were already skinny. i'm not skinny...that's not in my head. i weigh over 200 pounds..and i always hear of it being with girls that THINK they have a weight problem but they DON'T. does anyone know if i'm bulemic? i can't go to my doctor because then i'll have let the secret out and everyone will know. are my rashes caused from this or not? it sounds weird..but i like to throw up. i feel relief from it. i don't want to stop. i just want to know if this is what it is. please someone...reply.

Stacie Sgrulloni

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