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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hi everyone.. I have been reading the posts here and this seems like a warm and supportive board..

I am scared because I can see these things happening to me and I don't really know why I am allowing myself to do these things when I know in my heart they are wrong and dangerous.. I am 30years old .. 5'3" and 124 pounds (on me is a size 4/6) so the practical reasonable side of me knows that I am well within a "normal" range..but I think I am really fat..It's not just that I want to be super thin's when I look in the mirror naked I see a really fat person.. Other people tell me that I am not but I really think they are just saying that.. I don't feel thin enough until people comment on just how "thin" I am..that is the only time I feel ok about my weight.. I run on my treadmill everyday for at least 45-60 mins and I cannot ever allow myself a day off or the guilt overwhelms me.. I know that the amount of time that I excercise isn't that much but I worry that the fact that I feel I MUST do this 7 days a week is hard.. I try to eat less than 1000 cals a day but sometimes I can't always manage to do that so I will purge the difference.. I don't binge though..I just vomit what I consider to be "extra" food or something I ate that is making me feel guilty.. speaking of guilt..I really can't eat much of anything without feeling very bad and guilty.. There are times that I will go on a 2 to 3 day water fast and drop about 2 pounds a day this way..and when I do I feel so much better...I am open about my "fasting" and tell others that I am "detoxifying" my body ..I know this is not my real reason.. Although I am still well within normal weight/BMI I have lost about 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks or so since I have started these habits.. The funny thing is I am obsessed with food and calories...I can spend hours surfing recipe sites for low cal/no fat recipes.. It takes me forever at the grocery store because I have to study every single label and will actually make choices if one thing has 5 calories less than another..

WOW..sorry this is soo long...I guess I really needed to tell someone all of this..thanks for listening

PS.. do any of you wish the days were would be less time for me to worry about what I am/am not going to eat

[This message has been edited by Persophone (edited 04-08-2001).]

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