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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Hi everyone.. I have been reading the posts here and this seems like a warm and supportive board..

I am scared because I can see these things happening to me and I don't really know why I am allowing myself to do these things when I know in my heart they are wrong and dangerous.. I am 30years old .. 5'3" and 124 pounds (on me is a size 4/6) so the practical reasonable side of me knows that I am well within a "normal" range..but I think I am really fat..It's not just that I want to be super thin ..it's when I look in the mirror naked I see a really fat person.. Other people tell me that I am not but I really think they are just saying that.. I don't feel thin enough until people comment on just how "thin" I am..that is the only time I feel ok about my weight.. I run on my treadmill everyday for at least 45-60 mins and I cannot ever allow myself a day off or the guilt overwhelms me.. I know that the amount of time that I excercise isn't that much but I worry that the fact that I feel I MUST do this 7 days a week is hard.. I try to eat less than 1000 cals a day but sometimes I can't always manage to do that so I will purge the difference.. I don't binge though..I just vomit what I consider to be "extra" food or something I ate that is making me feel guilty.. speaking of guilt..I really can't eat much of anything without feeling very bad and guilty.. There are times that I will go on a 2 to 3 day water fast and drop about 2 pounds a day this way..and when I do I feel so much better...I am open about my "fasting" and tell others that I am "detoxifying" my body ..I know this is not my real reason.. Although I am still well within normal weight/BMI I have lost about 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks or so since I have started these habits.. The funny thing is I am obsessed with food and calories...I can spend hours surfing recipe sites for low cal/no fat recipes.. It takes me forever at the grocery store because I have to study every single label and will actually make choices if one thing has 5 calories less than another..

WOW..sorry this is soo long...I guess I really needed to tell someone all of this..thanks for listening

Rachel
PS.. do any of you wish the days were shorter...it would be less time for me to worry about what I am/am not going to eat

[This message has been edited by Persophone (edited 04-08-2001).]





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