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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Sad Life
Apr 20, 2001
This is to you. If you are a man or woman, boy or girl, tall or short, large or small, and you suffer from an eating disorder, here is my story to you. I hope it helps and I hope that you recover. I know personally that the road to recovery is long and hard, and I pray to you never to give up.

My name is Meghan. I am eighteen years old and a senior in high school. I live in an averaged sized town, in an average neighborhood and go to an average school. I have six people in my family, three dogs, four fish and some sea monkeys. My parents are both very loving, and my family is extremely close. Looking from the outside, you would think our family was the perfect family. We are not rich, but we are not poor. We have always been provided with all of the necessities, and even a few extras. Our life has been good and I have been happy. That is, until about a year ago.

In order for you to understand me, it would be good to give you some background information. Since I was born, we have moved six times to four different states. My dad’s job has never been stable (until now) and with every new job he acquired, we moved to accommodate him. It was hard picking up and moving all of those times, but we have been living in our current house for six years now, and I am perfectly content here. As a way to meet new people, I started playing basketball and swimming competitively when I was eleven. Both of these sports are great activities, and they kept me out of a lot of trouble. I went to parochial school for 4th through 8th grades, and then transferred to a public high school. There, I quit swimming and concentrated on basketball. This is when the problems with my weight started to occur.

My freshman year of high school began with me swimming competitively six days a week. I spent around six hours a day in the water. At the time, I couldn’t eat enough to provide for the amount of calories I was burning off. I always thought to myself “How could anyone be anorexic or bulimic? Who cares what you look like as long as your happy with yourself?” Looking back, I long for those days and would give anything to be able to go back to them. I quit swimming in order to concentrate on playing basketball. I am 6’0, and when I quit swimming, I weighed 135 lbs. At the end of my freshman year, I weighed 190 lbs. I was extremely fat and needed to lose weight in order to be healthy. 135 lbs. Is unhealthy for my height, but I thought that 150 lbs. Would be the perfect weight. I strived for that weight and lost it healthfully over the next three years. At the beginning of my senior year, I weighed 160, which is actually perfect for my height and body type. But I still felt fat. This is where the real turmoil began.

Although the anorexic tendency was probably always there, there was one incident that really set it off. For a while I was head over heels for a boy. I mean, he was completely gorgeous, the “perfect guy.” We became friends and were pretty close. I took what he said seriously, so when he told me I would look better if I lost 5 lbs., I strove to please him. I went on Metabolife, which contains ephedrine. Ephedrine is a natural metabolic booster and appetite curb, but has been known to cause heart problems. I lost the 5 lbs., but was still unhappy with my appearance. I stayed on Metabolife for 4 months. Some days, I would have basketball practice and then go to the gym for 2 hours, but the only thing I would eat would be a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Other days, I would only eat crackers and play a game later that night. I dropped to 130 lbs. My hair started falling out and my period completely stopped coming. I wore baggy clothes to hide my weight loss, and avoided going out with friends because I was afraid that they would make me eat. My parents were worried about me, but they didn’t want to bring anything up because of the strangeness of the situation. Finally, they did confront me though, and gave me an ultimatum. Either start to eat or check into a clinic. Not wanting to admit that I had a problem, I chose to eat. But because my eating pattern had been so disrupted over the past few months, I forgot how to eat normally. I inhaled my food, sometimes eating 6,000 calories in one sitting. One time, I remember eating a whole lemon pie. I QUICKLY gained weight back and every time I looked in the mirror, I was disgusted. So, in order to please everyone, I continued to eat, I just found ways to rid my body of what I had eaten. I started with laxatives, but then moved to throwing up. It took a few times for me to learn how to do it, but I was determined. It was such a relief to be able to get rid of all the food I ate. I learned that if I waited a few days between binges, that it was easier to throw up. I was really sick and spiraling out of control. The strange thing to me was how everyone kept telling me how great of a body I had, and how much they wished they could look like me. I remember thinking “Would you want to look like me at the price I pay? Do you really want to be throwing up all the good food you eat?” Part of the challenge was to keep it a secret. I couldn’t let anyone know what was going on. However, now I realize that eventually, someone would have had to find out. Luckily for me, it happened before it was too late. My little brother heard me throwing up one day. Looking back onto that, it must have been so hard for him. He knew I had a problem with food, and hearing me must have been hell for him. I vowed to myself on my life that I would never do it again, and that I would help myself get through this. I have done well so far. My family has been extremely supportive. They are there for me every step of the way. I still eat too much sometimes, but the binges are much better and I don’t purge anymore. I am recovering.

I have not purged since February 16th, the day I got caught. I used to think I would die if anyone knew what I was doing, but I now realize it was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. To all of you struggling, I urge you to tell someone. It could be anyone, as long as they are willing to get you help because you do need help. The first step is the hardest, but it is the best thing for you, trust me. If you don’t feel that you can tell anyone yet, then I am praying for you every night. I hope that you someday get the courage to take over. When you wake up in the morning, remind yourself of this: No matter what shape size or weight you are, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Good Luck,

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