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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

boy have i been having a tough time. i am so sick of the dirty word "diet"! ugh! i have not been able to diet lately. i feel like i'd be punishing myself and depriving myself.

i've been up and down the scale since i was 12. i'm 33 now. i have been at my goal weight, or close to it, several times though ITS A BLUR NOW! most of the time i'm maintaining at a higher weight, or just increasing weight. i had lost a lot of weight a few years ago and now i cant squeeze into those clothes at all. i wonder "when did i gain all this back??!" and "why did i gain this back, and why couldnt i stop myself before gaining so much!!??"

last week i was so full of self-contempt, shame, and guilt. sick sick sick of it all! i dont want to go on any magic pills, and i'm not buying into any other gimmicks we all see on tv and magazines every day.

its no secret to me that i eat for emotional reasons. i abuse food and that is a simple statement but working through all the reasons why is so complicated. its amazing how insidious overeating is - i've been going to a therapist for 3 years now and i'm still unhappy and often out of control with food.

anyway, i feel very strongly that, in the world of losing fat, often food is focused on as the problem. its clear that to lose weight you have to cut back on calories and increase activity. everyone knows that. what isnt always up front about losing fat are the reasons why its so hard to lose it and keep it off - that we so often relapse and go through it all over again.

after days of being consumed with hating myself, feeling ashamed of my body, and feeling guilty over the fat i've gained back since my last "diet", i went to the bookstores this weekend and looked through every book i could find that had something to do with the emotional factors around overeating. there were maybe 30 books on this subject.(there must have been at least 100 books in the "diet" section. how ironic!)

i know i have to get some positive reinforcement before i can move forward and take care of my body. i cannot lose fat and get fit while i'm in the midst of a full-scale mode of hatred toward myself. i am so full of negativity. i really have a strong desire to focus on the painful feelings and circumstances surrounding my food abuse so that i may move on and hopefully attain a level of existence that prevents me from relapsing again. for example, i've had low self-esteem all my life - even when i was "thin". my self worth has been pretty non existent for the most part. i know i've got to learn that i'm not so bad (i know this sounds corny but its true) and take better care of myself instead of destroying myself with my drug of choice - food! i wish i could go to a "food detox" for a month - if i were a drug addict i could go to a detox and my insurance would cover it. to me food addiction is along the same line and i wish residential treatment was available. any of the "spas" i've seen are for the rich.

i'd love to hear from anyone who can relate, who is searching for the same route to happiness as i am.

i'm so angry!!! i'm so tired!

take care


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