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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: Problem?
Dec 1, 2001

You don't need to apologize for anything. Feel free to ramble all you like on this board. We all do it on good days and bad.

I do know how you feel when you say being hungry makes you feel in control. Last year when I was in the worst of my anorexia, I felt empowered by hunger too. I think that comes from growing up in an atmosphere of codependency that was predominant in my family. Everything I did had to be perfect or my mom would lecture me on how I had to get the best grades and score highest on tests to show everyone she was a good parent. When I joined the swim team in 10th grade, it was always win at any cost and that's when I started really controlling what I ate.

Unfortunately, when I first started doing this, I wasn't aware of why... I just did it. Then when I left home for college it got a hell of a lot worse. Since I've been working with the therapists in the ed program at the University, I've become much more aware of the causes of my ed and have started to heal myself.

Lizzybeth, I know you don't think you have a problem... Many on this board feel the same way and I do myself at times. But as I sit here typing, my hands are so cold that they're almost numb and my whole body feels like I'm trembling. I've been feeling shakey and dizzy for about a month now which scared me enough to reach out for help. It going to be hard because gaining weight scares me also but I can't keep on like this. Is there anyone who you can talk to about this? A close friend, family member, or even a counselor.

You even say your mind is controlling you, therefore you no longer have control of your actions. The eating disorder actually has control of you and your life. Think about how the ed affects your life now and how about the future. Your only 24 you want to have children in the future? The ed specialist I'm seeing weekly now even said that since I haven't had a period in 2 years, I may have great difficulty having children if I'm evn able to becasue of the damage I've done to myself.

I know its hard because society pressures us all to be thin and it feels good when people say you're thin and look good. I wish it were different, but it's not and we have to rationalize about whether being thin is worth slowly killing ourselves.

Please think long and hard if this is what you really want. Again, I want to stress that losing weight probably won't make you happy and if you keep it up without getting help, you'll do irreversible damage to yourself. I don't want to see that happen to you but regardless, I'll be here to support you and so will many others on this board.

Lots of love
pt1390 :angel:

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