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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

Jan 30, 2002
hey, so i thought i was over the eating disorder, but i really dont think i am, i thought having my baby was a new start, but it wasn't. I put on weight i was average for my height over the pregnancy, then i have the baby and start to work out and eat "healthy" to lose the excess, then i get up this morning and weighed myself, i was 45kgs and am now 39kgs i guess i had noticed that my attudide to food was becoming distorted again but i choose not to believe it. I went to the doctors this afternoon(i am still under an ED doctor) she weighed me and asked how things were going, i told her things were fine. then she told me i was much to underwieght and that if i didn't start eating again then i would not be able to breast feed. I am happy with the way i look although i still need to lose a few more pounds(i am still looking a bit fat) iw ant to be fully over this but now i am realiseing that i am not really over this i just used my baby as an excuse. I feel so helpless. My boyfriend keeps badgering me to eat always saying eat this eat that and i hate it. If i wanted to eat then i would. Three months ago i would look in the mirror and think yes i am over this i am not fat, now i look in the irror and its like aughhhhhh look at me i am soooooooo fat. But in my heart i know i am looking boney and disgusting. This is all putting strain on my relationship with my boyfriend and he has now said that if i dont get help then he is going to leave me, i dont want this to spilt us up, but it will.
Jan 30, 2002
Hello Caz,
I have also going through a phase when I thought the eating disorder might want to creep back in. I know exactly how it feels so GOOD to weigh less than the last time... that light and wonderful feeling... but oh what an illusion! What an illusion, and how soon it turns into... despair. Caz, you and I have tried the eating disorder as a coping mechanism, and you and I have realized that it does not work. That it will not make you happy (only in the beginning, a fake kind of I-feel-good-about-myself happy).
You know in your heart that you are NOT "still a little bit fat". I think we anorexics / former anorexics have that WEIRD, distorted image not only about our own bodies, but about bodies in general. We feel something that wiggles a tiny bit and take it to mean "I am fat". Fat??? give me a break!! We feel our skin hang from our bones, and maybe a TINY amount of fat cells somewhere 9which we need!!!), and we see ourselves as fat.
I have that problem sometimes, even now. And then i lost a little weight and felt VERY good. And now people start telling me I look skinny . And the healthy part of me knows they are right. And I have not lost any more weight. I am actually eating a lot now. I do not want to go there again, i have to fight it. We NEED food. it is ok. It is noursihment, not just "bad calories" that will sort of poison our bodies. When i was acutely anorexic, i actually looked at a plate of cookies and saw them not as cookies, but es "carbohydrates", which made them seem such a chemical thing...But really it is FOOD, it is made from foodstuffs, it is not soemthing bad...
I am babbling. Sorry. Got carried away here. Anyway... Caz... DON'T let it happen. Look, at 39 kgs you are VERY underweight. I really mean that. Please don't do that to yourself.


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