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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

From before Christmas I have been uncertain and highly concerned about plans for university/gap year/the future. I became very unhappy just before Christmas, so after Christmas stopped thinking about my plans. During this period I joined Weight Watchers and begun to follow a points system. I started this enthusiastically, loosing and initial 4.5lbs in the first week, then slowing to about 1 – 2lbs a week. For two weeks in a row at one point I lost 3.5lbs. My weight loss until a few weeks ago was very successful (from 10st 7lbs down to 8st 13lb with a target of 8st 7lb in mind). However, I began to do less work at college, as I hate my subjects and couldn’t see the benefit of them to my plans. I think it might be here where my problems with food have begun; as through doing less work I have been bored. Also I have been no enjoying going out, and not feeling confident about my appearance (weight mainly) when I have gone out for a night. I began to feel that my weight loss had not resulted in any big change – I was still the same shape, which I disliked, but just smaller. Despite my exercise which consisted of:
— a 50 minutes video, containing 15 minutes aerobic activity (which I sometimes repeated for 30 mins) and the rests toning/stretching, 2 – 3 times a week
— Brisk 25 minute walks once – twice a week
— Any other ‘little bits’ of exercise I could fit in
i still had areas of fat on my body, so I lost hope.

Now however, about two weeks ago I’d lost 21lbs and was only 6lbs off my target weight, and gold membership – which I really wanted. But after that WW meeting in the evening I ate two bowls of cereal, ten biscuits two mint chocolate bars whilst watching TV. On the next day I ate a whole baguette and more. On Friday I ate cheesy chips, chocolate. All of these days I also ate what I had been eating on my diet previously. At the weekend I indulged in huge slice of Bakewell tart and more on Sunday, a chocolate and tortilla dips binge at a friends house whilst watching a video on Saturday, a big chocolate binge. I put on 6lb, going back up to 9st 5 around about Sunday, which worried me alot. At first I only weight 9st 2lbs but then when I got to 9st 5 I could feel the rolls of flab on my body, and still can now, which I hate. I realised that actually, yes my weight loss HAD made a significant difference – I wasn’t JUST the same shape but smaller, I was carrying a lot less flab. And I hated, HATED my new weight. After loosing all hope, I decided to make a fresh start on Monday. Sat awake Sunday night making a new weight loss chart, new ‘token; scheme’ and exercise plan. Monday, went swimming and swam half a mile.
Decided to go once a week from now on at least and try to build up distance.

Tuesday, less eventful. Day off college, and was working on computer on coursework. I ate two bowls of cereal and six rich teas biscuits. However, didn’t lose feel hopeless as I was still within 18pts allowed on WW (although I only ever eat about 10 – 15 usually). Went for huge 2-hour walk with friend also on WW. Cringed at though of old us, and esp. old me. Even told her about my recent weight gain and how I’d learnt my lesson and it was all under control. But when I got home, I had nothing to do and ended up eating whilst watching TV two mint crisp chocolate bars (2.5 points each), one packet of ready salted crisps (2.5 points each), 10 ‘foam’ sweets plus two slices of WW white bread toasted with a teaspoon of marg, and a scone.

Earlier today I ventured into Marks and Spencer’s to buy their all new ‘Count on Us’ healthy eating range. I visited the store exactly a week to this day ago, carefully noting the saturated fat and calorific content of each product, later using these to convert the product into a ‘points’ value. So today I returned to the shop after deciding that two or three of the ready meals were acceptable within my diet for days when I really do not have time to cook (e.g. today, after attending an all day conference for History and later being faced with a huge coursework essay to do). I bought the following –
— raisin and cereal bars for 1.5 points each. These I don’t love, and barely like, yet they satisfy a sweet craving without being moorish (as I don’t particularly like them).
— Chocolate ‘fudgy’ slices at 1.5 point each – (incl. 95 calories). These would satisfy a really strong chocolate craving, similarly to the Weight Watchers chocolate crisp bars I usually buy but could not get as couldn’t make weight watchers today.
— Onion ring crisps – again they are a low fat alternative to normal crisp, and so strong they are not moorish. Also savoury taste can counteract a sweet craving.
— Italian beans with roast vegetables – which I had half a pack of today at 1.5 points to accompany a protein source – 1 fish finger = 1 point and 2 quorn nuggets = 1.
— Some similar pasta/vegetable accompaniments to freeze for use only when necessary (much healthier to cook own, and can regulate what goes into this).

I ate my meal in two parts but had to eat a quorn slice in between, as appetite for food was high. Was also tempted to eat more of the veg but left some for my mum. I ate a chocolate fudge slice after dinner. However, I was not craving it, I just ‘fancied’ it – it has been the closest I thing I have experienced to my previous food habits – just eating not for a reason, just to eat, unnecessarily. I identified this after, perhaps even at the time, and regretted eating the cake. I later did a 50-minute exercise video, which included 15 mins of aerobic activity.

My mum returned home and I knew she had left over sweets from her work, so I ate them as soon as I found the min her bag, and finished them throughout the evening, giving her about a fifth of what I ate. Then I tried to satisfy my craving for a fifth fruit salad chew with a big, sweet Fuji apple. And it worked, but the cravings still remained. I also gave her a ‘fudgey’ slice, perhaps feeling this would make me feel better, but it only prompted my appetite fore one. So I ended up eating…four more. Urgh. I worked out how many points this was (7). I tried to tell myself to stop but figured crazily that somehow if I ate them all then there would be nothing in the house for me eat to satisfy my cravings tomorrow. I then ate two of the onion crisps, but my cravings moved on to another kind of sweetness. So I moved on to my sixth Rich Tea biscuit. I ate two, then wanted another. I’d left them next to me as I aimed to carry on working. Even when the biscuits were not in the room any more the distraction of the craving to eat one was too much and I stopped my work to get up and eat one. In fact I barely started my work again.

Now I have finished writing this I am craving an onion crisp. I can feel the extra weight I have gained wobbling on my arms but cannot stop craving these foods (in particular cereals – cornflakes, then krispies, bread, and sweet things). I can’t focus on anything but the craving, its is distracting me from my work. I hate eating this food but can’t seem to stop. Now I just eat a day which is correct according to the Weight Watcher’s plan, and is a lot more balanced than what I ate before, including more healthy foods, but just ruin this with all this extra junk. I think I’ve made a good start to getting back on track with exercise but can’t stop snacking in the evenings or when I’m at home, and I can’t distract myself from these. This really upsets me as I’m doing well during the day but I almost know I’m going to muck it up, yet can’t stop. And it’s not like I don’t care because I hate all the flab which is all over me even more than before. I am getting angry at people and myself, as I can’t stand the cravings. Once I eat something I want to eat more and more of it, and when that craving ends, I just get or perhaps even look for another. I’ve also noticed that I’ll eat things now that I didn’t like before, such as coconut cake and scones or onion ring crisps. But the problem is this has also helped as I never used to like a lot of veg – but do now.

I would be really grateful if you could send me any advice you have that might help me as I am really desperate right now, I know something is wrong and probably why its wrong but I can’t stop it. It is really distracting me. I felt at one point that if I failed my exams I really didn’t care, as I was so pleased with my weight loss. Then I realised that weight wasn’t everything, and I had to start working again. So I’m trying but I can’t to get on with any work as I have cravings and snack all the time whilst I’m doing it. But if I don’t do it I’ll still snack, and I I’ll have put all my weight back on as well as failed my exams. I know I’m becoming very unhealthy too.


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