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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Hey all... just wanted to share how things are going with my recovery. :) Just to remind you that it IS still possible!

Well, it's been several weeks now - almost two months I suppose - that I've been TRYING to recover from the bulimia that I've had since... well... since however long I've had it! And the anorexia as I still have to many anorexic tendencies even now... its just SO HARD letting it all go!

But... I'm managing okay. I haven't binged in quite some time - although I never much binged anyway - and the last time I purged was about two weeks ago. The only thing that lets me down really is the fact that I NEVER seem to get hungry... and as a result I just forget to eat. It happens more often now too because I've finished the year of school... and won't be going back for about two and a half months. Sometimes I get incredibly bored and lonely and my thoughts still do manage to turn to food and weight, but most of the time I am able to distract myself by doing something else. I guess that's just the way to go... day-by-day things will get easier. :)

I've come to realise that no matter what else happens... I can't resort to starving myself for the rest of my life. Life's just too short to spend wasting like this. All that misery, hopelessness, anger, that this ED has brought upon me has just ruined the last three years of my life and I refuse to let it ruin any more. As much of a 'comfort zone' it can be, I'll have to find other, healthier, ways to cope with the stress, anxiety, anger, and sadness... and anything else that affects me in my life. I'm still only seventeen... I don't want to grow up suffering like I have for the past three years, so I WON'T!

The thing that I'm finding the hardest is the GAINING weight... I still get weighed weekly up at the clinic and it's just so humiliating to have to see that number creep slowly up with every week that goes by. :( I've gained about fifteen pounds in the last couple months and to me that's one HECK of a lot... especially after being able to lose nine or ten pounds in one week! It's disheartening to see it happen because it makes me feel so weak... even though what it really means is I'm becoming a stronger person.

At times I worry myself because I say to myself, 'just as soon as I move out of this home I can eat what I like, when I like... and I can lose all the weight that I want'. I know it's dangerous to think like that but it just gives me this feeling like I'm actually GOOD at something - like I CAN do something right! And that's a great feeling after a lifetime of thinking I'm a complete failure. In Primary School (Elementary), I used to come home at the end of the day all upset because I'd only received 90% on a math test... and I thought I could have done better! It was ridiculous considering I was only seven or eight years old! This last year, because of all that's been going on, I've been averaging around only 80% and the first thing that comes out of my mothers mouth is 'what on earth went wrong?' [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif[/img] Great boost in my confidence there! I remember when I was about eight and above, I used to be ashamed to get into the swimming pool while the rest of the class was swimming in the school pool because I was embarrassed of how 'fat' I looked. Now, I don't can't even begin to understand what made me think I was fat because looking back I can see that I was extremely thin. People always commented on how underweight I was (I didn't do it intentionally, it's just in my family and also I never did have a big appetite). Yet still I grew up like this. I don't understand and I doubt I ever will... but despite all this I feel that one day I can fully recover.

I don't like putting on all of this weight knowing how skinny I COULD have been... there are so many people that I know that keep saying how much weight they're losing and so on and I have to be quiet and feel down on myself because I just put on fifteen pounds. :( Makes me feel like crap.

Now, I need to get this depression under control because it's still ruling my life much of the time. I still get anxious much of the time but I think that's just a part of who I am. I'm very good at worrying about things!

But, despite everything, I'm GOING to get better... and I really do believe that EVERY ONE OF YOU can do it too. Why? Because I am...

Sorry for getting off track and rambling there for so long.

Take care,
Ashlee





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