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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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I don't want this
Jun 3, 2003
I don't want this problem. I have been reading posts here and other boards and I have learned from others that have suffer from this for years that it can be a life long struggle and I so don't want this in my life. I can't deal with it on top of everything else in my life. I am 28 and have a 5 yr old and I can't cope with the pressures of both. Not to mention my struggle with depression for years now. I don't want this to haunt me for the rest of my life. I am so tired of thinking about food and feeling guilty for everything I eat and obsessing about it. I just don't think I have it in me to deal with this. I feel so alone in all of it. I am afraid to ask for help. I am ashamed and I feel so guilty because I know that it is not fair to my daughter if I make myself sick because I can't be a good mother to her if I am sick or if I am not around. I have a boyfriend and we are talking about getting married but he wants kids and I am terrified to get pregnant again because of gaining weight and I am afraid that if I do get pregnant I will not be able to stop. I am so confused too because I will go like 2 weeks without doing it but then I am at it again. I don't do it everyday but they days that I don't do it I will be soooo careful about what I eat. I feel such guilt when I eat anything that I percieve to be "bad" that I will throw it up. One time I ate some fast food and I could not handle it so bad that I told my boyfriend that I was going to throw it up and told him not to get on my case and to leave me alone because I did not want to hear it. I never thought that I would do such a thing when anyone was around because I was so ashamed and it was sucha private thing but the guilt and the deisre to throw up were stronger. He was mad and said all the things that you would expect to hear from a loved one that is concerned. He has not said anything since because I have not done that in front of him again and I lie and say that I don't do it. He works at night and I am home alone so I often purge my dinner because there is no one around so I don't have to worry about it. I don't know what to do. I feel like a slave to this and constantly worrying about my weight and what I eat. I have never had a weight problem in my life until now. I am 5 2' and I weigh like 135 and I feel as if I am very overweight. The doctor even told me that I should lose like 10 pounds and that was a year ago and I have not lost it. I was always the thinnest one. I was like 95 to 100 pounds up until the time I had my daughter. I have not been happy with myself weight wise since and it is getting worse. I know that what I do is not good for me but I am so afraid to be fat. I feel like I am getting sucked farther and farther in by this and I am scared. I don't know how to stop obsessing about it. The whole reason that I came here is because I needed to distract myself from eating my whole kitchen and purging it. I tell myself that if I could just be thin then I would be happy but I don't know if that is true. I look in the mirror and I don't know who this fat person is. I always felt like my looks were all I had and now I feel like that is gone and I have to get it back at any cost because if I don't I will never be happy again but yet my method for trying is causing me even more pain. Now I can't stop. Everyday it's on my mind. Everyday, everyday, everyday.

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