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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

I have had bulimia since 1981. At my worst I was b/p at least 30 times a day. Nearly killed myself several times. It is amazing I am alive. I have more health problems than someone double my age and feel like a pharmacy.

One of the worst things I did for myself is to constantly try to control this monster and one of the best things was to give that control up. I had to realize that I was doing it for a reason. For me it was mostly (still don't know why it lingers a little) that I wasn't living for me. We (most eating disorder people) have a tendancy to worry too much about others feelings and very little about ours and hardly at all feel as if we deserve to need something. One of the hardest things for me was to ask for something. When I was in treatment 15 years ago I was afraid to ask someone (father) to buy me some stamps and bring them to the hospital. For days I worried about his reaction - how crazy is that to make myself sick because it was too much to ask for stamps. Anyway, I got worse after treatment and began to drink a lot more too. When I quit drinking it helped.

The best thing I did for myself was to quit trying so hard to control it and to just say what I felt whenever I felt it. It takes practice and I still don't have it but once I was complimented on it. I had a co worker who was complaining about the way I helped her with her work to my boss and I confronted her. My boss was very impressed that I was able to just speak up and get it out of the way. after that we worked well together (never did before). As it turns out we are now very close and trusting friends.

The bottom line is that we make up so many responses for other people and cause ourselves so much termoil doing it that it feeds the ed. One of the things you have to realize is that the ONLY thing you can control (most of the time) is your own reactions and thoughts and when you do that you won't feel the need to control the food because you can't control least you will have improvment.

One other note, I read a book a long time ago that has stuck with me since treatment. It didn't have an immediate effect or cure me but it was somehow important, don't know how but just know it was. It was called "The inner child within" and teaches you to parent yourself and be nice to yourself which we just don't do or we wouldn't have this disease.

One last note. I notice that when I eat a bigger meal it triggers me wanting to eat more and more. Try not caring what you eat but plan a smaller portion.

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