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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

hi, im new to these boards and feel like im going insane.

i have suffered from eating disorders (mostly ednos but with times of full anorexia and bulimia, and always orthorexia to a small extent) for 8 years and am fed up. for a year and a half, apart from one short but intense anorexic relapse i have been recovered.

i found out last week i have lost 3 kilos without trying, giving a bmi of 16.7. this worries me so much because i honestly thought i was eating healthily (last week also got diagnosed with severe anaemia) and sufficiently. i just dont know what is enough to eat anymore. i have been eating disordered so long that the 'right' amount of food is so much i can never believe my body needs it, and even in my recovery iwas still underweight but everyone settled for it because i truly did feel comfortable in my body and i feared relapse if i gained any more. so i was still in the very first steps of recovery, but i had started building a life outside of being eating disordered.

now all my hard work is slipping away and im not doing it on purpose. i have no intention to undereat or overexercise, IT JUST HAPPENS. like saturday i had a big jujitsu training thing and i promised myself a cake from the bakery to eat afterwards. so i went to the bakery and all i could handle was a mini doughnut. then yesterday, annoyed i didnt buy the cake, i walked around for 2 hours 'trying to decide' which cake i wanted from which bakery, until i bumped into a friend and we decided we might go for hot chocolate later. we didnt, but the possibility made me give up on my cake hunt. this is not a life. why can't i just buy a damn cake?

i am also very scared for my physical health. my bones weigh 60% of what they should and if i lose any more fat i wont be able to work without ibuprofen because i have rubbed away all the cartiledge in my hip joints. in 2 weeks i will be snowboarding, this is somerthing i love. to be in the countryside, to be moving so fast, to be so free. but if my hips cant move, and i feel weak all the time (i have even been going to bed hungry convinced i have eaten sufficiently), and my bones are too weak, i will lose something i genuinely enjoy. i have already isolated myself a lot, again not on purpose, it just happened.

please, does anyone know whats happening to me? has anyone else unconsciously fallen back into their ol patterns? i need help and i dont know what to do. this year is a big year for me and im ruining it.

well, thats not a great introduction, sorry. please please help, im desperate, i dont want to see a nutritionist here because it willmake me feelbad. the doctor wants me to buy eggsbut i cant handlethe ideaof that packet of 6, i try to be vegan for moralreasons and have already bought cheese just for somehting high calorie, i feel so bad about this i cant buy eggs as well.

sorry, i have gone on, please write as soon as possible,

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