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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

I can relate so much hun. I remember whenever I first could admit to myself that something wasn't right with the way I handled my life. I didn't want to say I was anorexic because some days I could go and eat and be okay and then there were others when I just couldn't put anything in my mouth, not even a drink of something. My biggest sign was that I interacted with other people my age and around my age and knew that what I did as a daily normal part of my every day life was completely different from what they did. The way I was with food was so off from the way most "normal" people dealt with food. I was afraid that everyone would look at me differently and see me as someone with "issues" or see me as someone who was craving attention. But in all reality I didn't want any attention, I wanted to pretty much be forgotten. . . because I knew if everyone just left me alone and didn't talk to me anymore it would be harder for them to figure out that I had an eating disorder. After 6 years of fighting with myself and trying to hide my problems I found myself running my 4th mile in pouring down rain in 33 degree weather in the middle of January. It stopped me dead in my tracks and in that moment I knew that I needed help, that even if what was wrong with me wasn't an eating disorder I knew there was something wrong. And it seems you're feeling a lot of the same way. You know that there is an issue and you're not dealing with it well on your own. I was so scared when I walked into my family doctors office after walking back to my car (the day I found myself running in the cold rain). I had no idea what I was going to say to my Dr or how I was going to talk about somethign that had been my secret for 6 years. But I knew that I needed to talk to her regaurdless of my fears or concerns. And I am lucky that I went when I did. she actually sent me to the hospital in an ambulance with me fighting it the whole way saying I'm not that sick, I'm really okay, it's just a little problem. But that was my ED trying to tell myself that I was fine to just continue living life the way i had come accustomed to. It took me another 2 months of being on a waiting list for an eating disorder unit in a hospital in philly. When i got there I was so dehydrated and malnourished they had to send me to the medical hospital to get some iv fluids and what not, not to mention the fact that I had overdosed on my anxiety meds at 4 that morning before my mom drove me to the hospital. I let fear of what others would say about me or think about me control my decision to seek the help I desperately needed. I let the fear of losing that "control" I had over myself and my life hold me back. I let everything including the anorexia itself stop me from the help I knew deep down that I needed but dare not admit to. After spending 35 days in the inpatient treatment it opened my eyes to the person I had become with my eating disorder. I had already lost so many friends because I pushed them away trying to hide my ED so that no one could "take" it away from me. Dont let the fear of what your friends and family will think hold you back from seeking the help of a professional. Like the others said before me, they are trained and can call your bluff or give you the help that you need. And maybe your in the beginning stages of an eating disorder. . . there is no need what so ever to let fear hold you back until it takes over and ruins your life or takes your life as it has done to so many. One thing I learned in treatment is that the sooner you seek help the easier it is for you to recover. The longer you live with your ed as your right hand man the harder it is for you to walk away from it. Some of the therapists/doctors/psychiatrists/nutritionists put it to me in this way. . after living with an eating disorder for so long it becomes your best friend. It's your way to cope with stressful situations, its your way to numb the pain of things that happen in your life, its a way to punish yourself for things that u did or shouldnt have done or should've done but didn't do. It has so many roles in your life and the sooner you break those ties and put the things that should be in there back the easier it is to get back to living a "normal" healthy life. I let the fear stand in front of me for over 6 years. I went in the hospital last april. . well the ed unit last april, and it's been what 9 months since the day I was released and I was so scared that I would be right back in the hospital after I got out. but I didn't want to be another statistic of those who can't recover because they took too long to seek help. So I took it into my own hands to assure it wouldnt happen. Dont get me wrong I have my bad days. i have days that I don't want to get out of bed or get in the shower. I have days where I'd rather go back to my ed and live numb than deal with the pain that I have to deal with. but then I think about what it was like living with a full blown ed. All the hiding and sneaking and betrayls and lies and being so alone. being so sick u can't stand without passing out. I just wanted to live a normal life you know. And it seems that u want that as well. Dont let fear hold you back. Sometimes the scariest and hardest things to do in this life are the things that u should do first. Your family loves you, and 9 times out of ten they will support you and try to help you out. I have a very strange relationship with my real father, he never speaks to me and seems to hate me, and is part of the cause for my eating disorder and even he stepped up and wanted to do whatever he could to help me with my recovery. he agreed to participate in family therapy and everything else. All of my relatives were very encouraging and came to visit me when I was IP. friends I had lost touch with over the years sent me cards telling me they were there for me if i needed anything and that they were sorry that they hadn't caught onto it sooner. I was so scared that they all would hate me and run away but the opposite happened, so many were happy that i finally asked for help and were happy that they didnt have to worry about me and my health anymore. Because while I thought it was all undercover and no one knew everyone knew they just didn't talk to me about it. they even talked to each other about it and were trying to figure out how they could talk me into getting help if they confronted me. I think you should go with your gut instinct. It's normally right, and if that's telling you that there is a problem and you should seek medical attention I think that's exactly what you should do. Don't wait around until it gets to a point where ur not willing to get help. do it now when ur willing to get the help you deserve. . . and hopefully they can help you put an end to a bad thing before it really gets going. keep me posted, i would love to know if u get some help and everything. chin up love. . .

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