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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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I used to come here a lot, but over the years I've stopped for some reason. I've been suffering with anorexia for seven years now. It took all the strength I had to come out and tell everyone i needed help. It was apparent that I had a massive problem I just refused to say that everyone was right and i did need to eat. . . when i checked into the inpatient program at a hospital in philadelphia i thought i had made the biggest mistake. And i had. I had overdosed on a couple different prescription meds and was severly malnourished and dehydrated, they told me that if I had waited like a week longer to come I would of had a massive heart attack and most likely would've lost my life to it. I've come to terms with reality. I know that what i think and see in myself is all in my head. its my body image distortion that I struggle with. I was released because insurance gave out, and i was still considered "underweight" for my height even tho I weighed a great deal more than i did when i was admitted, which was hard enough on it's own for me to deal with. Since release it's been almost a year, I've had my share of ups and downs but over all I've done fairly well only one major relapse. that I got back under control in time before i caused any damage to my recovery process. A friend of mine died on the 31st of january and we buried him today. It's been so hard. him and I were so close. he's the seventh friend that we (as a group of friends) have had to bury since 2003. and one of those friends was my best friend. . he was the one who was by my side through everything, i lost him in 03 and thats when my ed ran wild with me. I see myself having issues since my friend just passed away and today i havent been able to get myself to put anything in my mouth. I am worried that this is going to cause a major setback in what im trying to do. I've worked so hard to get to the point im at. I hit my weight goal my nutritionist set for me, and since i heard the news of my boy dying I've been losing weight. It took me 8 months to hit my goal weight and in a matter of 5 days ive lost it. and not just a little bit either, ive lost a considerable amount of weight. . which is noticable to my friends and family who are concerned at the slightest fluctuation in my weight since my eating disorder has been made "public" so to speak. I really need some support from someone who understands what its like to struggle daily with ur weight and to fight with yourself so much. Someone to understand how I feel with my body image and how much I hate the way i look right now and just want to lose more weight, but at the same time i want to fight to keep the progress I've made. I feel like im being torn. my ed is talking to me telling me im fat and to keep shedding the pounds while my brain is telling me that im still considered underweight and i need to stick to my meal plan. I am just so tired of being alone in this. my family doesnt understand, my friends dont undertand and i feel like im just here, and its just me against my anorexia with no help. My therapist and i havent met yet. I was supposed to meet with her, but then my friend died and i had to cancel, prob not the best time to cancel therapy right? but she called and is trying to get me to reschedule, but that ed voice just keeps telling me to push everyone away and lock up and go back to it. Because its like my eating disorder was my way of coping with everything and now that i dont have it, now that it's not right there for me to cling to and to use to block out and numb the pain im feeling what do I do?? I've had a problem with SM for some time, when i was hospitalized it was humiliating having them count the number of cuts on my body, and i was even overdosed and i was still sober enough to feel ashamed as they stripped me down and counted and then sent me off 911 to a med. hospital to have my stomach pumped. . . I'm scared that this is going to knock me off my road to recovery. I dont know if my family would stand by me through this again. I know that I found out who my real friends are through this whole ordeal, and I can tell you there isnt very many of them that are still around. Leaving me to look elsewhere for support. I just want to know that I'm going to be okay. That im going to wake up in the morning and not cause the pain to my friends that those of our friends that have gone before us caused all of us to feel. I dont want to die at 21 because of a heartattack due to severe malnutrition. I dont want to be another statistic. They gave me a 5% chance at recovery in the hospital, because of being anorexic for 7 years with no professional help, and for keeping it in completely secrecy for 5 and a half of those 7 years. I'm afraid that I dont care enough about myself to continue doing what I'm doing. And it makes it so much worse when u wake up every morning and look in the mirror and only see the things you hate. I just want a break, a little time to breathe, and some advice. . . im open to listen to and use anything that you guys can give me. . .I really need some support. . ..chrissy

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