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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

Wow, I can not believe that I just read that. I have been plagued with a horrible ED for nearly 15 years now. The severity has fluctuated from insanely bad to somewhat able to live with. I have done it all, anorexia, bulimia and every combination and variation of the two you can imagine. My worst was less than half of the weight I am today. Hardcore anorexia was how it all began. Isolation from the world as a teen just focusing on restricting, running and obsessing about food in my head. My whole motto was "Earn and burn". I had to earn what I was going to eat through a intense regemin of exercises and them immediately burn it off through more exercise. Instead of doing things with friends after school I would actually spend 1-2 hours every day (morning as well as night) locked my my bathroom with snow pants and a winter coat on running in place. Every day I would have to go longer than the last. I eventually dropped out of school so I would have more time to exercise. If I was sitting in a classroom I was wasting precious exercise time. My mother was a single mom working 18 hours a day to support 3 kids, she had no control over me, nor did I. Eventually I was found passed out on the side of the highway 45 miles from my home. I had fallen off my bike from a seizure due to low potasium levels. [removed] I was hospitalized and tube fed. There was I given no freedom, not even to go to the bathroom. 6 months [removed] later I was out. In the hospital I pretty much gave up and let them control my food intake. When I got out things went ok for a few weeks until i realized that they did not teach me how to eat, they pretty much did it for me. I no longer had the will to restrict as it became way too easy to eat and just deal with it. In no time I was doing nothing but binging every day and feeling beyond guilty. [removed] the guilt got worse. Laziness set in and exercise was not an option any more, so I began to experiment with purging. At first it was tough. I would have to ride my bike to the drug store and steal bottles of epicack syrup. Just the thought of that stuff makes me cringe today. As time passed purging got to be second nature and more like a luxury than an inconvienence. My mother threw me out of the house and i lived on the streets binging at restaraunts, purging in the bathroom, then running out on the bill. I would do this 4-5 times a day. I was fun for me. Eventually I got a job at a restaraunt as a cook and would literally eat non stop during my shift and run off to the bathroom every 10 minutes, then do it all again. Laxitives, i have been taking them for 10 tears now. Scared to go a day without one. I absolutly hate the feeling of having any food in my at all, it feel gross and uncomfortable. The memories of binge and purge episodes haunt me daily. I have abused buffets more than you can imagine. in 15 years I have recently learned to function with this disorder, I have mastered lying and deception. My thoughts are so distorted. My memory is not like it used to be. I am scared of death yet every time I bend over infront of the toilet I pray to god that this will be the last time and he will just let me die. NOT A SINGLE SOUL in the entire world knows of what I have just posted. I am exhausted from tending to this disorder all while having to lead a "normal" life. I have not gone a day since 1999 without binging and purging. I have been institutionilized, this is all I know. Nothing is important to be because I do not see any future for me at all as long as this ED is around. So what is the point? I threw in the towel years ago and accepted that this is how I am and i just have to deal with it.

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