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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hey everyone,
I'm glad people are out and talking about this, because people rarely do, making it incredibly shameful (even more shameful then anorexia or bulimia, which, as sad as it sounds, has in a way been glamorized). I had an eating disorder for two years, and it quickly became very serious, with a combination of anorexia, bulimia, and c/s. I totally understand where you are coming from. I'd go to the grocery store and spend tons of money getting the delicious, fattening foods I never allowed myself to eat, only to stand in front of the trash can for hours, and c/s all of it. I've been in recovery for a year now, and I'm pretty sure I conquered most of my demons (though it's hard at times). I used to come to the boards a lot, just to read posts, but I haven't been back in a long time. I saw your post, and I felt like I had to reply, because c/s is such a lonely aspect of eating disorders that nobody wants to talk about. Since going into recovery, I've talked a little about my anorexia and bulimia, but I have never admitted to c/s, because it just sounds so bizarre and disgusting, especially since most people have never even heard of it.

I have a feeling that you are still restricting what you eat, is that correct? Even for all the replies that say they try to eat normally, I'll bet "normal" is still pretty restricting. I'll tell you right now that you can't conquer c/s while trying to lose weight. It's pretty ironic, because the reason why we start in the first place is because we are trying to lose weight, and we think this is such an easy answer, to chew food and spit it out, circumventing the calories while still getting the taste. It does not work. I'm sure you all know this by now, but no matter how much you try to not swallow, you still end up swallowing a lot. The only reason you are doing this is because you are hungry, or at least, hungry for food that you restrict yourself from. If you want to conquer c/s, you have to conquer your other eating disorders, too. I've tried so many times to stop in the past, but never succeeded, because in the back of my mind, I still wanted to lose weight, so I try to eat very very healthy, not allowing myself any "bad" foods, only to end up staying up half the night chewing and spitting out those "bad" foods.

So I did end up recovering, which is a fight, and I know my way will definitely not work for everyone, but I can only offer you my perspective based on what I've been through. I finally came to terms with how much my eating disorder was destroying my life, my relationships, and my future. It was such a waste of time, because 80% of my time and energy went towards something so incredibly shallow and futile. I also read articles in how eating disorders my lead to brain atrophy, which is pretty much your brain wasting away. I've always prized my mind (both creativity and intelligence), even as I hated my body, I couldn't let it die. So I finally gathered to strength to fight it. I've tried so many times in the past to fight it, but I've always still kind of wanted to lose weight. But this time, I decided to not care whether I gained weight or not. I would just eat what I want, even if I considered it "bad" (which wasn't even that bad in the first place; it was like cereals, breads, chocolate...not even that awful). And I would feel full, for once in my life, so there was no need to c/s. Sure, I ended up gaining some weight. But after a few months, and getting my eating under control, and being able to feel full and gauge how much I really needed, my weight has stabilized. After a year, I now weigh about the same, maybe even a little less, as I was during my c/s stage, but I'm not miserable, starving, or torturing myself. I eat what I want, when I want, which, when not controlled by an eating disorder, doesn't mean I want to eat all the time and think about food every second. I eat normally, with 3 meals a day, plus snacks. Ironic, isn't it? I wasn't underweight during my c/s stage, because I was accidentally taking in so many calories anyway. So I'm telling you, once again, that you can't conquer c/s if you're still afraid to gain weight and still restricting. I haven't c/s or even had the urge to since the day I started allowing myself to eat (and I mean really eat, not eat vegetables and plain chicken everyday).

For those of you who said you actually lose weight when on vacation, it's probably because you allow yourself to indulge, for once, and therefore don't feel the urge to c/s. And because you're walking around a lot as well, I guess. But really, I know the eating disorder mind, and I've said this before and I'll say it again, don't think about losing weight when trying to fight it! It will be impossible! Don't be afraid to gain weight. I used to be afraid that my metabolism was so screwed up, that if I ate normally, I'd blow up. NOT TRUE. Your body will stabilize.

I know how hard and shameful c/s is, and I hope we can continue discussion about this, to help all the people hiding. I think a lot of people think they are the only person in the world who does it, and therefore never admit to it, which is dangerous.

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