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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Hey everyone,
I'm glad people are out and talking about this, because people rarely do, making it incredibly shameful (even more shameful then anorexia or bulimia, which, as sad as it sounds, has in a way been glamorized). I had an eating disorder for two years, and it quickly became very serious, with a combination of anorexia, bulimia, and c/s. I totally understand where you are coming from. I'd go to the grocery store and spend tons of money getting the delicious, fattening foods I never allowed myself to eat, only to stand in front of the trash can for hours, and c/s all of it. I've been in recovery for a year now, and I'm pretty sure I conquered most of my demons (though it's hard at times). I used to come to the boards a lot, just to read posts, but I haven't been back in a long time. I saw your post, and I felt like I had to reply, because c/s is such a lonely aspect of eating disorders that nobody wants to talk about. Since going into recovery, I've talked a little about my anorexia and bulimia, but I have never admitted to c/s, because it just sounds so bizarre and disgusting, especially since most people have never even heard of it.

I have a feeling that you are still restricting what you eat, is that correct? Even for all the replies that say they try to eat normally, I'll bet "normal" is still pretty restricting. I'll tell you right now that you can't conquer c/s while trying to lose weight. It's pretty ironic, because the reason why we start in the first place is because we are trying to lose weight, and we think this is such an easy answer, to chew food and spit it out, circumventing the calories while still getting the taste. It does not work. I'm sure you all know this by now, but no matter how much you try to not swallow, you still end up swallowing a lot. The only reason you are doing this is because you are hungry, or at least, hungry for food that you restrict yourself from. If you want to conquer c/s, you have to conquer your other eating disorders, too. I've tried so many times to stop in the past, but never succeeded, because in the back of my mind, I still wanted to lose weight, so I try to eat very very healthy, not allowing myself any "bad" foods, only to end up staying up half the night chewing and spitting out those "bad" foods.

So I did end up recovering, which is a fight, and I know my way will definitely not work for everyone, but I can only offer you my perspective based on what I've been through. I finally came to terms with how much my eating disorder was destroying my life, my relationships, and my future. It was such a waste of time, because 80% of my time and energy went towards something so incredibly shallow and futile. I also read articles in how eating disorders my lead to brain atrophy, which is pretty much your brain wasting away. I've always prized my mind (both creativity and intelligence), even as I hated my body, I couldn't let it die. So I finally gathered to strength to fight it. I've tried so many times in the past to fight it, but I've always still kind of wanted to lose weight. But this time, I decided to not care whether I gained weight or not. I would just eat what I want, even if I considered it "bad" (which wasn't even that bad in the first place; it was like cereals, breads, chocolate...not even that awful). And I would feel full, for once in my life, so there was no need to c/s. Sure, I ended up gaining some weight. But after a few months, and getting my eating under control, and being able to feel full and gauge how much I really needed, my weight has stabilized. After a year, I now weigh about the same, maybe even a little less, as I was during my c/s stage, but I'm not miserable, starving, or torturing myself. I eat what I want, when I want, which, when not controlled by an eating disorder, doesn't mean I want to eat all the time and think about food every second. I eat normally, with 3 meals a day, plus snacks. Ironic, isn't it? I wasn't underweight during my c/s stage, because I was accidentally taking in so many calories anyway. So I'm telling you, once again, that you can't conquer c/s if you're still afraid to gain weight and still restricting. I haven't c/s or even had the urge to since the day I started allowing myself to eat (and I mean really eat, not eat vegetables and plain chicken everyday).

For those of you who said you actually lose weight when on vacation, it's probably because you allow yourself to indulge, for once, and therefore don't feel the urge to c/s. And because you're walking around a lot as well, I guess. But really, I know the eating disorder mind, and I've said this before and I'll say it again, don't think about losing weight when trying to fight it! It will be impossible! Don't be afraid to gain weight. I used to be afraid that my metabolism was so screwed up, that if I ate normally, I'd blow up. NOT TRUE. Your body will stabilize.

I know how hard and shameful c/s is, and I hope we can continue discussion about this, to help all the people hiding. I think a lot of people think they are the only person in the world who does it, and therefore never admit to it, which is dangerous.
Calgirl and Jen, it is so, so good to hear your experiences, I can't tell you. As you said calgirl, it's a very lonely aspect of eating disorders and doesn't get much attention at all, which is why it feels so disgusting and shameful. What you've both said rings so true - it is so impossible to stop whilst trying to lose weight, because it's like the saying 'you want what you can't have'. The more you restrict yourself the more you want something. Bodies probab;y go into starvation mode after a period of heavily restrictive dieting, which is why I feel so out of control when I'm c/s, becuse I've given my body that opportunity to eat what it hasn'#t had in months and mnths, and it gets so desperate for it that I lose control.

The thing is, I want to go to the doctor about it, but what do I say? It's such a difficult thing to talk about, and it's not like tey can do anything anyway. There'll be no magic pill that'll make me not want to do it, it's not down to a physical ailment as such - it's all psychological, which is the hardest type of condition to cure. And about the vacation thing and losing weight - I'm actually visiting America for 5 weeks in two weeks time and am terrified of putting on so much weight becuase of the food Ill be eating - I don't know how to eat healthily in theStates , I 've got this vision of constantly eating pizza, burgers, donuts, muffins, pancakes, waffles, everything that's going to make me balloon - but I might surprise myself, becaue I won't be c/s. I'm going with my best friebnd and we'll be sharing a room every night so there's no way I cn do it then because I'd be too ashamed and too scared of her catching me - and besides, perhaps because Ill be eating differnt food, food that I've restricted myself from, I might not actually put on too much. But isn't it awful to be slightly dreading this amazing holiday travelling round west America becasue I'm so worried abut putting on weight? I put on weight so easily now because my body is so used to a restricted diet that when I do eat substantially it obviously grabs it and stores it up and doesn't let it go.

But I've waffled too long. I'm just so thankful to have people to talk to finally about this. At least we know we're not the only ones.

Calgirl, you're big message was incredibly inspiring, thank you so much. I'm so pleased you're well now and I admire you very much :)





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