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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

I don't know how I finally accepted it, I just did. Mostly, it was getting fed up and tired with living a life that's not even really a life and hating that I couldn't have fun any more because I was so ruled by the ED.

I had to stop weighing myself completely for several years. While I recovered, I let my dietician (she specialized in treating EDs) monitor my weight (blind weights) and I didn't cheat and weigh myself at home (in fact, gave my scale to my dietician so I wouldn't cheat on it). I put enough trust in her that she wouldn't let me get fat and would tell me if I was overweight. At first, it was hard because I had a lot of bloating along with the weight gain and seemed to have no muscle tone either but once I could exercise again (just walking and just a few days a week, I got some muscle tone and just generally felt better about my body). It took about 6 months beyond the initial gain to get to that point. So, it was 6 months of discomfort and feeling terrible about my body, but I perserved and listened to the dietician and pretty much stuck to the meal plan, including introducing "bad" foods or foods I was scared of.

After that initial 6 months, I started finding I didn't really care about the number on the scale that much and was generally OK with my body if I didn't stand scrutinizing it in the mirror for every little flaw. I started to have energy again and want to do things (the depression started lifting) and I started focusing on more positive things like dating which I hadn't ever done before and then my relationships with people around me (making friends, taking people up on their invites to see a movie or get coffee instead of saying no all the time). So beyond the initial weight gain to a healthy weight for my height, it was another 6 months of not much fun trying to accept things and stick it out and then that's when the mental recovery began to happen for me.

You have to be willing to accept that you are going to hate & loathe the weight gain initially and that it will probably take you some time to get used to your body again, but if you can work on the issues & accept yourself, it does happen, but it won't happen overnight. You have to be patient and perserve and really truly want recovery more than you want a perfect body (but then again, face it--recovery is a do-able goal and the perfect body is never happening and it's something always just out of your reach anyway, no matter what the numbers on the scale say).

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