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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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my family thinks i do. i dont think so. well, i think i might have some issues with food but im not sure. i appreciate any opinions... sorry if this might become long..

3 years ago (senior yr of college) i cheated on my boyfriend that i dated for 5 years when i was drunk and felt so sick about it but didnt have the courage to tell him. so, whenever i went out drinking i would come home with terrible anxiety and throw up everything i possibly could because it was the only thing that made me feel better. i dont know where i got this idea from - it got to the point where i would eat (ice cream maybe, something easy - NOT binge, eat just enough to keep throwing up until i got to the dry heaves stage)... it had nothing to do with losing weight. it just made me feel better. this went out for about 4 months (about 3-4x/week) with me then doing it when i wasnt drinking and just feeling anxious about anything.

i went to the school psych and she prescribed me xanax but didnt understand the vomiting since it wasn't really a "i think im fat" kind of thing. even though i did think that, i never though the throwing up would ever HELP with that situation.

i also went into therapy. things were going OK and i gave up the "bulimia" as she called it (i still dont think i have ever been bulimic). i finally told my boyfriend about the cheating and it was just awful. we broke up a year ago and im still having issues when i drink alcohol. i begin crying and having panic attacks and i cant really date anyone else because of this. my dr. prescribed me zoloft and i didnt like that because it made me gain weight so i went onto paxil but ended up getting off bc of the way it made me feel (brain zaps). i am now on klonopin on an as needed basis. sometimes i take up to .2/day, sometimes none. just depends on how stressful things are. i was doing well though and didn't throw up and would just take the pills as needed. i still get the panic attacks in the middle of the night after drinking or after being intimate with someone.

recently things have been REALLY stressful (i quit my job and im moving home) and i have been wanting to lose weight anyways because i gained some pounds and my entire family is very very heavy and im the ONLY ONE that is thin.

this is where i get scared because i have always been a big soda drinker. so, recently i have been having my morning soda and skipping breakfast and lunch and dinner and maybe having an additional soda around 3pm. ive also been taking .2 klonopin and that's it. i think that im just not hungry because im stressed.

i was actually pretty happy because i have dropped [removed] lbs (only [removed] pounds left until i reach my goal weight of [removed], 5'3" - i think this is a REALISTIC goal - however, im so close i think i might want to bring it down to [removed]!!). i called my sister (a nurse) excited because i have been getting compliments at work about how thin i look. anyway, my mother called me tonight and said "i heard you're on drugs like speed and dropping weight, widdling away to nothing"

that's why im here. i dont know if i have an anxiety problem or an eating disorder or both. im in psych now but we mainly talk about my ex bf and i just recently quit my job so i am no longer covered by insurance (thus my sessions are over).

i would just appreciate any opinions here because i know that im being unhealthy but i dont even know where to start. it's easy to say "start eating" but i dont feel like eating. i feel like if i eat anything at all ill throw up.

does any of this make sense?





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