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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: For abbec
Sep 28, 2007
hey there! so i went to my docs appointment - he was fantastic! i feel so much more confident in this now just having somebody who fully understands the working of the disorder rather than reading from a text book to me!
i had written out a letter to tell him exactly how bad things are but he asked the right questions and made me feel safe so i was able to tell him myself i was so proud of myself for not lying! i have to go once a week atm to see him to try the first step of my recovery - he wants to try a strategy called mindful, he said that its about recognising that with this disorder and the hig anxiety it creates you cant just take away one of its traits (like laxatives or gym etc) without having a control for the anxiety that will not exactly how it will work but it sounds like he is going to teach me how to recognise these anxieties and redirect them change them and control them (i have NO idea how he will achieve me im just putting my faith in what he saids) he said that this step may work but if he doesnt see significant results he is taking me to the in clinic! (i dont want to go there im terrified of it and refuse to go) he said to me that im not there yet but im alot closer to it than he would like...he said that this is also about seeing weather or not my thoughts are strong enough to control ED without being in a clinic or if its just to strong which he said isnt a bad thing because this is one of the most demanding and dependant disorders...
so i feel good about actually having a plan and he said he was really happy about my laxative control and that i was managing to stick to it despite the massive anxiety attacks so maybe there is hope for me to still be that little bit stronger than ED...
im just scared at the moment when he said if we dont see "significant progress", what is that? i am absolutely terrified at the thought of putting on weight and i know with me last time i got told id have to go to a inclinic i put on weight to shut everyone up and i relapsed to a massive extent because i couldnt handle the extra weight it was to quick for me! i dont want to panic again and lie just so i dont have to go anywhere because i know that will ultimately result in me ending up back where i am now if not worse...i want to get better so badly but the thought of giving up the control of my weight and putting on weight makes ED grab me by the neck and go running for the hills! going to keep trying but i just cant believe how much safer i feel knowing that i have somebody who will make sure i get better! i also am struggerling however with the massive anxiety my ED is causing i feel like im walking around having a heart attack majority of the time...
hope this all makes sense! it was good tho he said to me that my discription of what i see in the mirror - fun house mirrors - was perfect and he hasnt heard anyone describe it better :) maybe there is hope for me yet :)

hope you are going well and have a nice weekend thank you so much for all your messages you are helping me so much!

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