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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

it doesnt sound weird at all sometimes you have to feed your ED to push through and shine in another area...i was set the task to get rid of my scales by my doc last week, ive cut down to normal dosage with the laxatives and am trying to stop purging. i had to go on a school camp for work for 3 days and i freaked out for about 2 weeks beforehand - "how will i purge?, they are going to make me eat, im going to put on weight etc etc etc...none of my co workers know of my problem they know i am underweight and often say that i need a good bit of cake or something. all the meals were prepared for us so totally out of my control and i had no idea what to expect i was in a horrible panic. before i left i actually packed my scales with me for the 3 days, i bought a packet of laxatives and went on my way. i even found a private bathroom to run off to after meals and purge. i felt terrible and so disappointed in myself as i really wanted to make it through and not feel like this but it was just to much for me i was with people who i couldnt tell about freaking out, i had no phone reception and i was with the kids 24hours as i went as a carer for a wheelchair boy. when i saw my doc and told him about what happened i said i was very disappointed but my sole responsibility at that camp was my kids and there was no way realistically that i could competently care for them while fighting my anxiety so by taking the scales, purging etc it kept my anxiety under wraps by satisfying my ED and keeping me at a "normal" level. my doc said that there is nothing worng with that although disappointing that it happened it was just to much so i did the best i could.

i hate the anxiety before events, its my birthday and tonight we are going out for dinner (me and 20 friends) and ive been freaking out all week trying to loose weight so i can go and enjoy my meal...i guess im at a point now where i have had this for a good 18months and i can only look back on that time and remember clearly 5 times where i have NOT been a freaking out mess and actually just enjoyed my time with the people i was with..5 times out of 18months and i got out several times per week with friends :( i recently celebrated my 20th birthday and i dont want to look back in a another year, 5years, 10years and only have a handful of ED free i said to my docter i was to really live my life not just exsist in it.

please know that you are no alone. try and focus all your energy on the good things you are doing even if it is the smallest success dont dwell on the bad as this disorder is a rollarcoaster and there are going to be set backs and relapses but thats how we work through it

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