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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

I've had "symptoms" of an eating disorder since I was about 13 years old. It all started when I was 9 and my mom left me..forcing me to move in with my dad. I was really depressed and gained quite a bit of weight. I never really cared/noticed until my family starting saying how "chubby" I was getting and my grandma starting taking candy right out of my hands. I was 11 years old I wasn't obese or huge..just a little extra weight. By 13 I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't put down my "comfort food". So instead of not eating I would just throw it up when I was done. This would go on for months..then I would quit and get ahold of myself. It wasn't by any means an obsession. I could quit anytime I wanted. Then another comment would be made..or I'd go clothes shopping and hated the way I looked and it would trigger it all over again. I went on like this for months..Being okay..then throwing up again. It was crazy when I think about it. The whole time I never saw anything wrong with it or even considered it an ED. I got out of this and started accepting myself and the thoughts never came in my head until I was 16. It started over the summer I was living with my mom at the time...but came to visit my Dad. I stayed really busy with friends and walked a lot...I never starved myself or had any intention of losing weight. But I would go for days just barely picking at a few bites of food a day...just because I didn't have much of an appetite. My stomach shrank of course and I'd lost a lot of weight by the time I got home. Everyone noticed the weight loss and my mom was really worried. I convinced her I was just growing and losing the weight and everything was fine... It wasn't until I sat down to eat dinner with the family I noticed I couldnt eat a full meal..I could barely eat a few bites of food without feeling full and if I ate anymore I knew I'd be sick. My mom tried to talk to me all the time about it but I really had no intentions of it. I kept that weight off and eventually started eating pretty normal again but maintained around the same weight. Everything was back to normal and I was still at a normal weight. A few months later a lot of stress hit..and my drug problem kicked in. I lost a lot more weight. I went for days and days without eating. And then when I did eat it was little bites a couple times a day. This is when the obsession kicked in. I was getting huge compliments on how great I looked. I had a great bathing suit body for the first time in my life and I felt wonderful about it. I gained a little healthy weight back and thought i was so fat and ugly. From then until now...I'm constantly trying to get thinner and thinner by any means necessary..I can still go for weeks and not starve myself or throw up..and then theres the other times..when thats all I do..but's constantly on my mind. I find myself looking at women who obviously have ED's and constantly wanting to be thinner. It's on my mind 24/7. I never feel thin enough. Does this ever end? I'm back into my routine..telling myself in my head I'm not hungry so I don't eat..and letting my stomach shrink so I don't need as much food. I broke down yesterday and threw up my dinner. I felt horrible and great at the same time...I can't afford counseling and therapy. I find myself wanting to be as thin as I was a few months ago..but even when I was so small everytime I looked in the mirror I felt huge. I still see the fat me. My whole life I wanted to fit into a smaller size then when I reached the goal..I still thought I was fat. I just needed some advice from someone else who's been in my position. Does this ever end..this cycle of being okay and then it coming back hard...Does it ever go away?

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